Once in a blue moon…

The arts, gifts, creativity, renaissance, a new birth
light, life, love, spirit, beauty, complete surrender
freedom, health, riches, joy, kingdom inheritance
hopes, dreams, and promises fulfilled, rainbows of vibrant color
tornadoes, waves, quakes, radiation, pressure and fire
transformation, purity, holiness, glory, the blood of Jesus
healing, springs of living water, life, the Garden of Eden
emergence, breaking out, butterflies, fireflies, a new creation
peacocks, eagles, lions, family, friends, a new model,
authority, miracles, signs and wonders, sons and daughters
revelation, truth, faith, trust and wisdom, no more religion
kingdom vision, kingdom purpose, kingdom values, kingdom power
armory, weaponry, morals, obedience, dedication and honor
ships, navigation, uncharted territory, pioneering, anchored in hope
generosity beyond compare, missions, cultivated nations, the great harvest

When I ponder thoughts of the New Year and the time to come, these words resonate in my spirit for the church. I believe we are heading into the best of times and the worst of times, the best of times for the church but the worst of times for the world. May you come to know your true identity in God and his love, purpose, and destiny for you and your life. You are made in his image and likeness, and may you shine the piece of himself that he has given you that no one else has to offer this world but you alone.

Love Kels

Next Step: Mozambique, Africa!

Dear friends and family,

I’m writing to update you all on some exciting news! Just this last Sunday I was accepted into Iris Ministries’ Iris Harvest School which starts October 12, 2009. That is in 3 weeks! Talk about last minute on the acceptance letter! Iris Ministries is one of my two favorite ministries that I have ever heard of in the whole world!

In case you have never heard of Heidi and Rolland Baker and Iris Ministries, I copied some very brief information about them from their website, http://www.irismin.org, below:

“Iris Ministries has expanded to over 5,000 churches all over Mozambique (the poorest country in the world) and into neighboring countries. The disastrous flooding of 2000/2001 catalyzed an overwhelming hunger for the things of God in the refugee camps where we ministered, and the Gospel continues to spread like wildfire. We now care for almost 2,000 children at our centers, and our churches are taking in orphans as well. Jesus is revealing Himself through signs and wonders, visions and dreams, and we have never seen such a harvest before us. May the Lord of the harvest send us workers!”

I want to be one of the workers sent! This is why I applied to the Iris Harvest School. Graduation from the school is the first step into coming into full time, long term work with this ministry, that is if God’s will permits. Their vision is to expand into other countries, and I was told just last night that they have already begun sending long term staff even up into India! The possibilities are endless and I am beyond excited. God keeps reminding me of my call into mission work every time I seem to lose vision, and I am just so thankful for this opportunity!

I know that if this is indeed God’s will for my life that He will provide; there is no doubt in my mind. I don’t want to send out mission letters for support, especially during a time when I know how much everyone is gripping tight to what money they do have. I hate for any person to ever feel obligated to give. Instead I ask if the Holy Spirit lays it on your heart to give toward this next step in my pursuit into full time mission work, then it would be more than greatly appreciated! Again, there is no guilt to the person who doesn’t give! I wouldn’t want you to give unless that is something that you really WANT or feel led to do. I hope you can hear my heart in this. Above all, I trust God for provision like I said earlier; I just know He likes to use people to give toward His Kingdom work because those who give get Kingdom interest in return! Yay God!! :)

I love you guys, and I thank you for all the love, prayer, and support in the past!

Glory be to Jesus!

Tons of Love,

Kellie

Contact info:
kellielinder@aol.com

The Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand!

I absolutely cannot sleep. The Holy Spirit will not allow me to stop dreaming about my future with Jesus. I am overwhelmed by God and the kingdom of heaven right now. Today has been one of those, “Please pinch me, I MUST be dreaming, days.” I’ll begin with a few testimonies from tonight. Since I’ve been home from overseas, I started going to a local ministry in Nashville every week called the Under the Bridge ministry. Hundreds of homeless show up every Tuesday evening under the Jefferson Street bridge to come to this wonderful ministry. Since I’ve been attending, my heart has been to do one on one ministry with whoever will let me pray for them. Last week I prayed for a guy in a wheelchair who said his knee/leg had been broken so many times that the doctors want to amputate his leg above the knee (both of his legs were in very bad shape). He also wanted to get back to his homeless community in California because he only come out here to visit his mom, but he was having trouble finding a way back. So I prayed for his healing (and also for his return to California) and I felt the Holy Spirit say, “Now get up and walk!” So that’s what I said! It grieved me when he told me he was too scared to get up and walk because it really hurts when he falls. I offered him some help, but he refused, so I just told him that I still had faith in his healing and told him how much God loved him. I walked away just knowing that he could have walked, because the Holy Spirit said so, and I believe Him. At the end of the night I also walked up to a woman who was with a group of people who seemed really low. I asked her if I could pray for her and she was kinda like, “Yeah, sure, I guess.” I asked her for any special prayer requests and she said her health was bad due to cancer, so I prayed for her while her fiancé stood close by.

To make a very long story as short as possible, as soon as I arrived this evening a man who has been working with this ministry for many years came up to me with a big smile on his face. He told me that he had run into Jim on Saturday, the guy in the wheelchair, and that he was out of his wheelchair walking on his own, and that he was in the highest of spirits!! Jesus healed him!!! I was blown away, even though I had the faith, WOW! He had also met a guy who was helping him get back to California! Jesus!! At the end of the night when I was walking back to the car with my parents, who are now coming, the same lady who I had stopped on my way out last time stopped me. It took me a minute to recognize her when she asked, “Remember me? Would you mind praying for my fiancé?” I remembered and quickly went over to her fiancé to pray for him about a job. After, I looked at her and she was just smiling ear to ear, had life in her eyes, and she just looked great! I told her those things and she responded, “I feel so good!” Now, I know she hasn’t been back to the doctor, but I believe in her healing! Jesus !! These haven’t been the only healings lately. Pain is leaving, sickness is leaving, bodies are being healed and God is opening doors and causing people to walk in favor, lives are being changed, all for Heaven’s sake. I look at what I’m writing, and it’s hard for my own logical mind to grasp, but it’s the facts. Jesus HEALS!! The kingdom of heaven is at hand!!!

I don’t write any of this to give myself any glory, because Jesus did the work. He’s the one with the love and the power. I’m just obedient to His word and to His will. See, I believe as a BORN AGAIN believer, as a DISCIPLE of Christ, that I have no special anointing healing or gifting outside of the Holy Spirit alone! I am no one special; I am only obedient to the will of God and to the Holy Spirit, and that is the same call that is on all of the church of Jesus Christ. I believe in Matthew 10:7. Jesus says, “As you GO, preach the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons.” I believe this is for now church. This is the will of God ALL THE TIME! Whether you are going to another nation, to church, to your ministry, to Target or Wal-Mart, wherever! This is our call. I write to encourage you that the gospel isn’t fake, or powerless, or for another time, but it is real, powerful and for now, so GO for it, please! The world is hungry for it.

Love forever and always,

Kellie

Dear India

Dear India,

I'll never forget you. Our relationship was an extreme roller-coaster ride, but the lows were always my fault, not yours. You showed me what it was to be a servant. Through you, God worked in me a servant heart. He wanted me to learn to serve Kolkata, and that I did. So much of my old self died with you, learning how to sacrifice my needs, comforts, rights, and selfish ways. Through learning how to put you first, I've realized I can now probably put anything and everything first. You were a great challenge to me, forcing me step out in faith alone, causing me to put my faith into action. Through serving you, I had to cling tight to my faith in Jesus as protector and lover of my soul, and sure enough, here I am on the other side not only unharmed but a better person. I shed a lot of my old self and old ways while there with you and now you have my heart also.

I think you are beautiful and I hold so much hope for you! I see Jesus working hard in your midst Kolkata, shoving His way through any door that will even crack open to Him! Please turn to Him so you will be fully restored, shining in the brilliance of the India that you were always meant to be, reflecting a very distinct flavor of God that only you can show! I long to see you with God's kingdom reign, with Jesus as the King of your nation, and oh, how beautiful you will be! How exotic and wild, gorgeous and rich! Not even the British who held you in splendor could have even fathomed your full potential. I see deep jewel toned colors, gold and silk, clean streets that sparkle and shine! No poverty, no illness, no caste system, no false gods, no idols! Just a beautiful, exotic Indian nation praising and worshiping Jesus! You are meant to shine India! You are meant to be breathtaking!! I pray the work of the cross over you... May you become what you were always meant to be!!

Love always,
Kellie

PS I gave you my all, and I can only pray that that made some sort of lasting impact within you. My hope is that my work glorified Jesus, making Him better known to you.

Howrah Station, Kolkata India

Getting to work with Life Connection ministries and the Howrah children was such an amazing experience! God did some major work in me during that time and I'll never forget it. There are over 200 children orphaned at Howrah train station currently. Most of the kids have no idea how they even got there. They have no choice but to live cruel lives of survival, much like the survival of the fittest, so it is a very violent, tragic, and animalistic style of living for these children. There are about 50 girls, but mostly boys, and all the children seem to be highly addicted to glue huffing. Huffing glue suppresses their appetites, which is the initial reason for partaking in it, but it doesn't take long for these children to become horribly addicted.

Death is no stranger to these children. Some die from rolling off of rooftops in their sleep to 100+ feet below. Many fall on train tracks getting cut literally into pieces, while others are murdered by other boys in fits of rage. Just the night before we arrived at the station, two boys died from huffing too much glue on a train causing them to become disoriented and they fell from the train onto the tracks of the express train coming from the opposite direction. They were hit and both boys died instantly.

They collect bottles around the train station to make money. 3 bottles = 1 rupee. With this money they buy mostly glue, but some food as well. The girls at the train station seem to have it the worst. The seek out the older boys who have more money and offer themselves for glue or for basic survival needs. They will also marry very young, around 12, to find some feeling of safety in being protected. One girl that I spent some time with, Najne, was only 15 and had already had 4 or 5 miscarriages. She would get pregnant by her husband and then huff so much glue during each pregnancy she would lose the baby every time. Even while we were there spending time with them, they were pouring glue onto clothes right in front of us. I don't even know if they know how to hide it.

While all this is happening in the Howrah train station where literally millions pass through every day, these children remain unseen. They are considered the "untouchables" of the Indian cast, and most wouldn't even take the time to look down on their existence because surely it was karma that put these children in that place to begin with. The tragic stories of the kids don't even make the local paper. They are unseen, unheard, and unloved - they are voiceless. Even though they went so long without being seen or loved by people, God saw them and loved them, and created a plan!

Life Connection ministries was started by a Indian Christian missions family who felt called to Kolkata and didn't even know why. Through obedience in following, Jesus led them straight to Howrah Station and to the children there. God is so good! Life Connection is only now getting up off the ground, having started only two years ago, and has only 9 full time staff members of whom are all family. They are fueled by volunteers, but there the field is plentiful and the workers are far too few. They go to the station 3 days a week to spend time with the kids, loving on them and doing whatever they can to win their trust and respect. 2 days a week the ministry invites the children into their ministry house to bathe them, give them new clothing, shave their heads (most have a bad case of lice), feed them, play with them, and to teach them about Jesus. When I was there, there were 10 kids who decided to stay with the ministry full time. These boys told the staff that they didn't want to go back to their lives at the train station, so they have taken these boys in full time, and there was one more boy added in the week that I was there. We helped to teach these boys not only more about Jesus and the love of God, but also English, math, and writing.

It was such a privilege and honor to get to work with this ministry, and during my time spent with them God worked so much in my heart. As I learned to lay down my rights, comforts, and needs for these beautiful kids, they won my heart over completely. Now if you knew me, you would know what a HUGE deal that is! Let's just say I'm not a kid lover. :) But these kids seriously were some of the most beautiful, giving, and loving children that I had ever met in my entire life. It blew my mind really. They wound up being the highlight of my day and the joy they brought me was like no other. There were a few in particular that I so badly wanted to take home with me! I wanted to save them from their lives, but I don't believe that's what God has planned for them. Their ministry will be most likely right there in India. What powerful testimonies they will one day have! World changers they will be! You don't grow up in that kind of a life, find Jesus, and then become mediocre about Jesus and what He has done for your life! They will have passion and zeal!! I know it with all my heart! God bless those precious children!

I long to raise awareness for this ministry. The stories I could tell about the staff members and their financial struggle breaks my heart. The church in India is very small and poor, so support is minimal at best, and these workers give their whole lives and hearts to this cause. They work seven days a week to care for these boys with no breaks or holidays. They need help! Nabin, our contact and leader of Life Connection, even asked if I would come back and work with them full time. I promised that I would at least raise awareness for their cause and do what I could, and I don't want to break that promise. These missionaries work so hard, you wouldn't believe it! The contacts that we were with would sleep whenever they could get a chance. On the trains, buses, taxis, whenever they weren't moving. All in all, they know and I know that God is good and that He will provide because this all was His will and plan in the first place.

Again, 50% of my art sales will go directly the Life Connection family to sow into their ministry and what God has called them to do! I also have their direct contact info if you are interested in supporting them directly, just let me know. There are some photos attached!!

Love to all!!

Kellie

Are you thirsty??

Are you thirsty??

Through my studies recently, God has been speaking to me so much about water! He has been emphasizing that Jesus is the fountain of living water, so here are some scriptures that go with my thought process right now.

“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” (Jeremiah 2:13)

“Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’” (John 4:13-14)

“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” (John 7:37-38)

Many times I have prayed the prayer, “Jesus, I want to be thirstier for you (yes, thirstier is a word) Please make me thirsty!” Even though I believe that this prayer is legit, I feel like God had shifted my focus on that prayer, that it wasn’t quite right. I used to think that if I wasn’t thirsty for him, then I just wasn’t thirsty. See, I think the truth is that I am thirsty; I believe that I’m very thirsty, but I go to other sources for water expecting that it will satisfy.
There seems to be something unique about the water that Jesus has to offer. Jesus’ water offers life, and promises that you won’t be thirsty again. Not only will you not be thirsty again, but you will be so satisfied that it starts bubbling up and overflows like a river from within you. Dang! Seriously, give me this water! That was the plead of the women at the well, and is now mine as well! So maybe if we feel incomplete, inadequate, unfulfilled, unhappy, broken, lacking, insecure, unloved, etc., could we possibly be drinking the wrong source of water? Could we be going to other sources for water outside of Jesus, and we are still left feeling thirsty?

This is the vision I have. I believe it goes all the way back to Eden
“And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground – trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” (Gen. 2:9)
I think that fruit and water is pretty interchangeable, so also is being hungry and thirsty in the bible. I find it beyond interesting that there were two trees in the middle of the garden, the tree of life, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So could we possibly say that Jesus with the fruit of the spirit was in the middle of the garden, and so was our enemy, Satan, with his fruit? Take that into consideration, metaphorically speaking. So this second tree, it looked good for food, it looked pleasing to the eye, but God told Adam, “Don’t eat of it, or you will surely die!” That sounds like a pretty intense reality check to me. “Don’t eat its fruit Adam! You will die if you eat it!!” To me, that sounds more like, “Kellie! Don’t jump off the cliff Kellie! You will surely die!!” So here is my response, “Geez! God is so controlling!! Who is he to tell me what I can or can’t do!? Jerk! I’m gonna jump!”

So we all know the story, the fruit is eaten. Satan tempted Eve with this fruit that looked real good to the eye. What were they tempted with? Their temptation was to have their eyes opened, to be like God, knowing the difference between good and evil. It seemed good for nourishment, so they went for it. After they ate, their eyes were in fact opened, and they realized that they were naked, so they tried to hide their nakedness and hid themselves from God because they were full of shame.

Could we surmise that the fruit that Satan tempted them with, the fruit that they ate of was poisonous? They ate a poisonous apple that brought sickness and death to their bodies. Something in them died that day. What was God’s response to this? “Who told you that you were naked!?” He immediately recognized that they were lied to. God didn’t tell them that they were naked; they told Him that they were. It seems they then had a very distorted view of good and evil. God said it was good that they were naked, but after eating the fruit offered, they felt as though it was evil. I don’t believe that they even recognized their nakedness until the shame crept in. Could it be that their nakedness represented their unashamed relationship with God? Could being naked in front of God mean being fully open, fully real, fully free in love, and fully vulnerable to him? Like a little child that has no sense of self awareness, they just do everything so unchecked, so sure of themselves; could God desire this kind of confidence with him? It’s not until we are older that the world makes its way into our minds, polluting us, or when Satan starts to lie to us and we believe him, and that is if you were lucky enough to grow up in a healthy home. Back to the point, David danced naked and completely unashamed in worship to God, and he was called a man after God’s own heart. It seems so much more natural to hide from God, to cover ourselves with leaves, the leaves of good works, false humility, you know, putting on the show, or cleaning the outside of the cup? Could we call that legalism? Do you catch what I’m saying? God doesn’t want us to hide. He longs for us to be open and honest with him, because he can’t change us if we aren’t honest with him and with ourselves. So yes, they were naked, but God intended it to be that way, but Satan tempted them into disobedience and filled them with shame of sin, so they became aware of their nakedness and hid.
So after they became aware of their nakedness he said, “Cursed are you!” Again, sounds like a pretty big reality check. “Adam, Eve, you are cursed!” That is not the same as “I CURSE YOU wicked little wretches!” by the way. God was simply stating to them the reality of the consequences of their actions. When you eat a poisonous apple, or when you drink polluted water, the reality of what happens to you are the consequences of sickness and possible death.

So what is the point that I am trying to make? First off, I don’t believe that God ever intended us to know the difference between good and evil. We are so preoccupied with what’s right and what’s wrong, or what’s good and what’s evil, that we can’t even love one another anymore. I believe that eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil gave us permission to come into agreeance with Satan and his lies, choosing for ourselves what is good for us and what is not, and that was never God’s intention for us. Now we have no choice but to discern between good and evil in order to make good decisions for our lives, to come back into agreeance with God. That is what repentance is; it is acknowledging that we have turned from God in our lives and it is coming back into agreeance with him, saying that we agree with him and believe that his way is the best way for us. Repentance leads to obedience, which leads to a restored, free, naked and unashamed relationship with God.

See, when Satan tempts us, he is offering us fruit that looks good to the eye, but when we believe him, when we buy into his lie, when we eat of his fruit, a piece of us dies, and we are filled with shame, so as a result, we hide from God. We separate ourselves from God, from relationship with him. When we are disobedient to God, we are turning away from the reality and truth of this world that God speaks over us, so then we are coming into agreeance with Satan and what he says is good, eating the poison that he feeds us. Disobedience is believing Satan and what he says is good for us over believing God and what he says is good for us. See, I believe that we can choose to eat the fruit of Jesus, from the tree of life, and gain life, or we can eat the poisonous fruit Satan offers and die inside. Disobedience leads to sin, and sin is settling for something less than what God has to offer us.

Faith was what God desired from his people for restored relationship in the Old Testament. Abraham had faith, and it was credited to him as righteousness, but by the time that Moses led the Israelites out of the desert, they had such a distorted view of reality, God had to give the law to them so that they could know again the difference between good and evil. God’s own people didn’t even know anymore, so the law was written to mirror sin. It was meant to bring life, but since we were never meant to discern good from evil in the first place, it only brought death. It is impossible to earn our way back to God, so mankind desperately needed a savior!
Jesus came to restore our relationship back to God! He came in the very image of God, showing us His true character and nature. He came and was filled with grace and truth, that is, unconditional love for mankind and the truth of this world! He came to set us free from the bondage of sin and to lead us back into fully restored relationship with God through grace and truth! Through His finished work on the cross of Calvary, he opened a door for us to walk through, into the Kingdom of the Living God, covered in His blood, and established in righteousness! Believing in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior allows us to boldly approach the throne of God, back in right and perfect standing with Him, as sons and daughters! This is the truth of who we are in Jesus, and Paul has called us to live out what we have already obtained in Christ Jesus, our Lord!!

Jesus has come so that we may have life, and have it to the full! (John 10:10) He has come to break us from the bondage of the reality of this world, and has called us as believers into the reality of heaven and His kingdom! He tells us to put our focus into what is unseen, and that is having faith in Him and what He says to be true! The Kingdom of Heaven is here, and it is our call as the body of Christ, as His hands and feet, to walk out His call on our lives! We have to follow Him! And we can’t do any of this without faith. Ask God to build your faith today! He longs to give you the extreme faith it takes to follow His will for your life. If you’re not seeing miracles in your life, you are not exercising faith. He’s there, waiting, longing for you to come to Him today, right now even.

Two more scriptures:

“As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it.” John 12:47

“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17

See, Jesus didn’t come to bring judgment on mankind, for He loves us with an inconceivable love! In other words, He has not come to judge the person but to bring justice to the sin! He came to save us from our enemy, from the bondage of sin in this world. I’ll say it again, He has come to bring justice to sin, not to humans. The wages of sin is only death, so believing in Jesus and Jesus alone establishes us in righteousness and into doing the very works of Christ, and even greater things! With Him as our Lord, He leads us out of the death grip of sin and into freedom, and then calls us to do the same! What a privilege! What an honor!! He’s come to deliver us out of the false belief system of this world, into His love, into His truth, so we in turn can turn around and become world changers doing the same for others as He has done for us. When we believe this, when we believe in Him, we are declared as righteous, and sin and death no longer has any reign over us. We are free in Christ! He brings justice to the sin in our lives, casting it out in us and setting us free into eternal life! Hallelujah!!

So my final question is, are you thirsty? If you are looking to any other source to fulfill you outside of Jesus Himself, you will be left empty, wanting more, but never getting enough. If you go after the tempting fruit of Satan, death will enter your body and you’ll be trapped in the bondage of sin in which repentance will be your only way out. Only the work and leading of Jesus in our lives can set us free. Only He gives us living water, the source of life, that will satisfy, fill us, and we will be so overwhelmed by it, it will in turn pour out of us onto others! Thank you Jesus!!

Baptism

I just had the most amazing walk at the beach! Man, God is so good!! Normally I go down to the beach to talk to God about my pain, my hurts, my wounds, etc., but this walk I felt an overwhelming since of peace and lightness, and my prayer reflected it. I was able to focus on practical things, such as money and provision, and well, I’ll just say comparatively very small current things.

I felt God asking me to look at the ocean, and there was a real since of excitement I felt in his voice, like a little kid. In looking at it a felt a reminder coming up, “Look Kellie, see!? Do you remember what happened here just 3 days ago? You were baptized!” It really warmed my heart feeling that it apparently meant a lot to him that I was baptized, because I really never knew how I felt about getting baptized a second time. So I was like, “Yeah God, that was an awesome experience.. such a good day.” And I really did feel warmed at his sweet presence, and I was thankful for that. He wasn’t finished though. He kept going. I felt him pointing at my lightness wanting me to focus on it. Sure enough, revelation hit me in that moment. I haven’t felt heavy inside in three days, and by that I mean I haven’t been struggling with the overwhelming weight of my past.

Okay, so now I’m going to paraphrase what I felt he was telling me:

“Kellie, look out at the ocean. Do you realize what happened out there? Yes, it is symbolic, but it is powerful. You just took part in John’s baptism, that is, the baptism of repentance. I’ve told you this before, ‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!’ See how big the ocean is Kellie? That ocean is symbolic of my grace, and your old self has been washed away by my grace. That old you that you struggled with, it is gone. Your past, all the sin of your past, my grace has washed you clean. You don’t feel the weight of your old self anymore because that person is gone and you are a new creation!”

I can’t tell you how powerful that was to me. See, before this, I really did feel the weight of my past. I hate digging it up over, and over, and over again. I hate dwelling in it. I hate feeling like I need years of work, years of inner healing, years of Jesus washing away my sins before I can feel complete and whole again. The work seemed too overwhelming and too tiring. I hate going through every memory feeling like I need to go through it again with the truth of Jesus in order to find healing. I swear that there is a supernatural inner work that takes place in water baptism. It’s like all my sin is totally gone, and that I am a totally new person that doesn’t have to dwell in the past anymore. God has way too much for my future to take all the time to dwell in the past, trying to go back and fix everything that I went through with truth. I’m not saying that he will never take me back from time to time as a reminder of where I‘ve been, but he definitely doesn’t want me to dwell there. I feel light, I feel free! I feel like I’m lacking in nothing! So does that mean that I have been made whole and complete?

Then he asked me to go to the sand where it was still wet from the tide and to start writing in the sand every sin that came to mind. I thought it was odd, especially after everything that he just spoke to me, but I did it anyway. I started writing every sin that came up in my heart that I had formally felt like I still had to deal with and conquer from my past. As I was trying to write all these words in the sand, I noticed that the water underneath the sand made it hard for the words to stick as I was writing them, but finally I stood back and watched a wave completely wash away the rimenence of what was left of the words that I had written. I felt him telling me at that time, “Any time that you have sin in your life from now on, come to me, bring me that sin, and watch it get washed away by my grace, by my unconditional love for you.” I looked up at the ocean with new eyes and saw the ocean as his love and grace for me. The best part is that the waves of his grace never stop coming; they will never stop washing my heart clean. When we are in relationship with him, we get to experience his grace, upon grace, upon grace, upon grace. All we have to do is bring him all the crap that rises out of our hearts, no more digging required. He is so awesome, and his love is huge beyond measure!

I strongly encourage anyone who feels a heaviness from their past, who is carrying around the weight of it on their soldiers, to go get baptized, even if that means that you get baptized again. I believe with all my heart that God wants us to know his heart in baptism, that it isn’t about something we do in order to get into heaven, but it is a symbolic act of understanding his love for us and in understanding the work of the cross. Getting baptized is repentance, and by that I mean a rededication and turning back to Jesus, wanting him to be Lord of your life, and coming back into agreeance with God in knowing that his will in our lives is the only way to abundant life! If you struggle with the guilt of sin or a heavy past of hurt and oppression, let that water of baptism wash it away. I promise you won’t regret it!!

Rejection

Rejection, how do I even begin? It seems the theme of my life has been that of rejection, and growing up in an environment of conditional love never helped to say the least. I was raised in the most legalistic of churches just to begin. I was utterly rejected in junior-high because I was awkward as an early teen with stories to tell that still break my heart to this day. At age 16 I left the only life I had ever known that was completely entangled in a church community, and my whole family was severely rejected by that whole community. It was then that I was rejected by my extended family and those who helped raise me and loved me until the time we left the church. I was rejected by every friend that I grew up with from the time I was a baby. I went into rebellion and was even rejected by some of my immediate family members. I barely made it through my high school years and then went to college, got in with the wrong crowd, and was rejected by my whole group of friends at the end of four years that led me to an emotional breakdown. I suffer with the worse self-esteem and get mad at myself because I feel so weak. I haven’t understood why I couldn’t just have a good self image, why I couldn’t just love myself; why couldn’t I trust others? Why couldn’t I just toughen up, be strong, and get through life loving myself?

God brought a memory to surface tonight that I stuffed down so deeply, I erased it from my memory because I couldn’t deal with the pain of it, but it was still there, lingering and festering, causing me to interpret my whole world around me from a place of severe wounding. I have been through very dark places in my life, but God never stopped perusing me through it all. The truth is that he always had my heart, but I just couldn’t trust him.

As every memory started coming to mind, one after the other, of times that I my heart was broken from the rejection that I experienced, God started speaking to me, “Kellie, you look at yourself as weak. You don’t like yourself because you don’t understand why you can’t be stronger, or why you can’t have a high self-esteem like others around you. The question that you should ask yourself is this, “How am I so strong?” From the level of rejection and conditional love that you have received, how have you held up under all this weight? Do you know the answer to that question? I’ve carried you. I’ve continually pursued you. I have loved you and held you so close to my heart through all your pain and suffering, that it has been my love that has kept you going, that has kept you from completely buckling under the pressure. My dear, I have seen the suffering that you have endured, and I have seen your heart shattered time and time again. My heart has been broken for you, I have wept with you in your suffering! All your life all I’ve longed for you to turn to me so that I could fill you with my love and restore you back to myself. I want to put the pieces of your shattered heart back together again, to make you whole, complete, and a light to this world. You have been so rejected Kellie because you have always been a carrier of my light, and the dark places you have gone and been to, you were rejected there because darkness hates the light. I came to you and told you to turn from that path, to turn from darkness; I opened your eyes to the reality that you were living in because I love you and wanted you to come back to me. Kellie, you are strong, you have carried so much pain, and look at how beautiful you are still weary one. You have a heart of love and to love others, despite the rejection you’ve been through, and I find that beautiful beyond any measure. You are amazing, and I am so proud of you!

He told me that the story I recently put together from the bible, “My Beloved”, was actually about me, and that I was to take it personally. I went back and read through the whole thing, and could hardly even get through it. I saw the whole story through new eyes. It was my life.. it was me. I couldn’t even believe it.
This is the God that I now know I serve. He is soooooooooooooooooooooooo good! He is beautiful and loving beyond measure! I always thought that he barely tolerated my sin, and that he was sick of having to redeem my life time and time again. I always felt that if I pushed him just a little farther, he would surely finally wash his hands to me. I just saw him as constantly frustrated with me. Now I have found the opposite of that to be true. He has a heart that is desperately in love with us, and his heart breaks when ours gets broken. He isn’t mad at our brokenness, but instead is broken-hearted because of our brokenness, and longs to restore us and make us whole again, if only we would turn to him. Every time that I even slightly turned back to him in my life he would shower me with his love, mercy, and grace. How about this: even when I was not seeking him and purposefully turned my back to him, he opened my eyes to see the reality that he saw, desperately trying to pull me back to him. His love is so beautiful that our human minds can’t even comprehend it! I’m madly in love with him, and I KNOW that all of us would be if we only truly knew his heart!

“My Beloved”

I am currently working with a Christian organization who longs to bring freedom to those caught in the web of sex slavery. There are currently approximately 27,000,000 people who are victims of human trafficking, in a 31 billion dollar industry, and over 75% of them are used as sex slaves. For the past two months I've been working with others to put a traveling art show together, and for my part of the presentation I painted a piece and I will be sharing this story that I assembled straight out of the books of Lamentations and Isaiah in the Bible. The last paragraph is an expression of my heart! I know in writing this I connected to it so deeply on a soul level, as I think everyone can. These are words straight up out of the bible, so everyone should connect to them in their own life and heart! I love you guys!!


She who was queen among provinces has now become a slave. Bitterly she weeps at night. Among all her lovers there is none to comfort her, all her friends have betrayed her, and have become her enemies. They looked at her and laughed at her destruction.

All who honored her despise her, for they have seen her nakedness; she herself groans and looks away. Her filthiness clings to her skirt; she does not consider her future.

“Look, O Lord, on my affliction, for the enemy has triumphed!”

The enemy has laid hands on all her treasures; pagan nations enter her sanctuary, those who had been forbidden to enter. She barters her treasures for food to keep herself alive.

“Look, O Lord, and consider, for I am despised!”

For this is why her tears flow like a river day and night. No one is near to comfort her, no one to restore her spirit. Her groans are many and her heart is faint.

All who passes her way clap their hands at her; they scoff and shake their heads at the daughter of Jerusalem. Wasn’t she the one that was called perfection of beauty, the joy of the whole earth?

Her enemy has walled her in so she cannot escape; he has weighed her down with chains. He has made her path crooked. Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged her from her path, mangled her, and left her without help.
He drew his bow and made her the target for his arrows. He has broken her teeth with gravel and has trampled her in the dust. Her heart is now filled with bitter herbs.

So she says, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord!”
She was brighter than snow and whiter than milk, her body more flush than rubies, her appearance like sapphires. But now she is blacker than soot; she is not recognized in the streets. Her skin has shriveled on her bones.

She can no longer hear the music. Joy is gone from her heart. Her dancing has turned to mourning, and because of these things her eyes grow dim. Her wound is as deep as the sea, who can heal her?

Her heart cries out to the Lord:

“You, O Lord, risen forever, your throne endures from generation to generation. Why did you forget me? Why do you forsake me so long? Restore me, O Lord, unless you have utterly rejected me!”

The Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all who call on him! How gracious he is when he hears a cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer.

This is his heart’s cry:

“Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed!”

The Lord longs to be gracious to those who cry for help; he rises to show them compassion.

Hear the cry of the Lord’s heart for his beloved!

“I am your redeemer, who formed you in the womb! Turn to me and be saved; for I alone am God, there is no other! I will shield and deliver you, I will pass over and rescue you. Be strong, do not fear; I will come with vengeance; with divine retribution I will come to save you. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you. I will lead you by ways you have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide you; I will turn the darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.

Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine, and are precious in my sight. Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. I will restore you! I will rebuild you!

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. I will make your deserts like Eden, your wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in you, thanksgiving and the sound of singing!

For your sake I will not keep silent, for your sake I will not remain quit, till your righteousness shines out like the dawn and your salvation like a blazing torch. I will not forsake you!

This is our Lord’s heart for the world:

“I, the Lord, love justice! My justice will become a light to the nations. My righteousness draws near speedily, and my salvation is on the way! The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon!

You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, for I, the Lord, have created it!”

There is hope!! There is hope for the prisoners and the oppressed! The hope is in the Lord, the savior and redeemer of this world!! He longs to bring justice to the world, to those who are entangled in the web of slavery, and even to those who have thrown themselves into rebellion against God, but Jesus says the workers are few. He is the head, and we are the body - his hands and feet. He longs for those who are willing to go and do his work. He is waiting for us to say, “Not my will God, but yours be done!” God knows how to get the work done, and he longs to bring justice to the nations, but he needs us. He has given us that authority. Are you willing to do your share? Are you saying yes to God and his plans for you, to bring justice to the nations?

Righteousness

Wow! I’ve come back to feeding on milk in this season that is essential to coming into maturity in Christ. The milk is so good, and it has never looked like this before. Here it is, essential Christianity

Through our faith in Jesus Christ we have been made righteous in the eyes of God. Christian religion makes us believe that we have to climb the latter of good works in order to obtain God, but in fact that is a lie that the enemy has implanted in our heads because it is devastating to the truth! Legalism in Christianity is no better than any other false religion out there!!

Through Christ’s sacrifice for us, we have been justified back to God through faith in him. We have been made righteous in the eyes of God, through Jesus' blood, and our sins no longer hold us back from intimate relationship with our living God. Whenever we feel like we are lacking in our lives, or that our sins and brokenness keeps God frustrated and angry with us, that is when we are buying into the lie of our enemy. By looking at our dead man, we can’t see who we are in the eyes of God. We are righteous, and even if we have made our bed in hell, God is with us and sees us as righteous. He said he would never forsake us, and he absolutely will not. How many know that even in an extreme season of sin in your life, God was still there chasing you down? God is not mad at us, but instead is madly in love with us. When we are focused on ourselves and who we were before Christ, and when we are focused on our sins and areas where we lack, we are being tossed about by waves and are unstable, because we are consumed with all the areas where we are broken and don't measure up to perfection. When we focus on who we are in Christ, that we look like Jesus in the eyes of God, we are stable, mature, and cannot be swayed. We need to be focused and consumed with the truth of the reality of who we are in our new creation, because only then does our old nature completely fall away.

Here are some basic facts that I got from listening to John Sheasby:
Statements on the word of righteousness = being justified through faith, being reestablished back to the Father in right position with him, we have peace with God through Jesus, we are righteous in His sight, standing in the right place with God, trusting in the blood of Jesus only, we no longer have to get there… This is the GOOD NEWS of the gospel!!

"People with character flaws are still righteous, thank God, or we would all be in serious trouble, so have mercy on one another, because God has been so merciful to us."

"Jesus perfectly obeyed the law on our behalf, so we are no longer held to the law but are instead established in the righteousness of Christ. He did all the work for us!"

"The glory of God shows up best in the worst of circumstances; the light shines best in the dark."

So here we are, co-heirs with Christ, he was the first born of many brothers, and we are in the same standing with God as Jesus so that we can boldly approach His throne. The Lord is our helper, so in every circumstance our needs are provided for. The enemy loves to come and make circumstance in our lives that makes us doubt the presence of God in our lives, and makes us doubt the truth that He will always fulfill our needs. That was the original sin in the garden that resulted in the fall of mankind; the enemy spoke words of doubt to Eve about the character and nature of God, that He fills us and takes care of our every need and that he knows what is best for us. He attacked the very identity and truth of who they were in God, and instead made them believe that they were lacking. Doubt led to disbelief in who God said he was, and who we are in him, and we are still believing that lie to this day. We are righteous in the eyes of God and he will fill our every need and bless us beyond measure, but we have to rebuke the work of Satan in our lives and we have every right and ability to do so, because Jesus did so, and he is living in us. So let’s rebuke the work of the enemy in every area of our lives! Let’s break his power over our minds by proclaiming the truth that we are righteous in the eyes of God and God is our provider and the Lord is our helper and that he no longer has any power over us! He is under our feet and God is in control of our lives, so let’s rebuke him in every area that he has ever cast doubt in the character and nature of God. He has no dominion over us by the Spirit of Christ living in us, and we are fully reconciled to God, and God will meet our every need! Don’t we know that with Christ dwelling within us that we will never go hungry? That we never have to worry about provision because He will always take care of us as sons just as he took care of Jesus? When we have doubt in our hearts, it crowds out any room for faith, and if we had the full faith to know who we are in Christ, then we would never have doubt again.
So let’s stop looking at the areas where we lack, where we don’t measure up, where we feel incomplete, and let the truth sink in that our Father see’s us as his son Jesus Christ. He has come to meet us right where we are at, and we have that special anointing to be just like our favorite rabbi Jesus, and through that faith we have the ability to stomp on our enemy and do the work of Christ, and have the same exact relationship with God that Jesus had.

Godhead

Today we had a speaker come in that started talking about the character and nature of God. This man is a truly inspiring individual and already my eyes have been opened so much! There were a few things discussed today that I really wanted to share…

The Trinity
This subject has always been taboo in my life as well as in Christianity as a whole. I know that everything that I have ever heard and learned about the Godhead never really sunk in and made since to me, and the subject has never become practical to my life. This view, on the other hand, makes so much sense to me and I feel like it has opened my eyes so much!

God is made up of three distinct personalities, or distinct characters: God (the Father), Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. So, there are three distinct personalities, but they are all somehow one. I have heard many analogies of this in the past, a couple being a man can be all son, father, and husband at the same time, but he is still one; or I have also heard that an apple is one as a whole, but also has a core, the meat, and then the skin, all serving different functions. I’m not saying that there isn’t any truth to these analogies, but I can honestly say that still nothing clicked within me. I didn’t understand why Jesus would pray to his father, and relate that to me as a daughter praying to myself as a mother.
Here is what our teacher taught today. You might want to at least take it into consideration.

The Trinity are all made up of the same ‘substance’ so to speak, but are not the same being, but they are exactly united in mind and spirit. In being one, they are inseparable, co-existent, and co-eternal. The trinity also does not operate as a hierarchy but as all equal. To better imagine the separation of the three all at once is in the baptism of Christ. Try and imagine the picture of God in the flesh, Jesus, coming up from baptism. There he was in the water, with the Holy Spirit descending on him like a dove, and a voice coming out of Heaven speaking out saying, “This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” Can you see all three of them at once? They are all different persons, and they all have different roles.
The best way to describe this 3 in one is it is like an ultimately united community. Jesus prayed a prayer over his disciples in John, “that they may be as one as we are one.” Imagine only three of the disciples, all called humankind, but are all meant to serve different functions. The only straight way to explain it is that Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit are all not each other, but they are all God.

Here are 3 statements that help to show the function of each character, and how to apply them to our everyday lives.

3 statements
• God is Spirit – Holy Spirit (the transporter or messenger between heaven and earth)
• God is Light – Jesus (the word in flesh)
• God is Love – Father (foundation of creation and supreme ruler over the universe)

All too often, many individuals and churches as a whole will lean too much on one personality of God, while missing out on the perfect balance on the 3 personalities of God. I have to admit, before coming to DTS, I leaned way too much solely on God the Father and his love, feeling the love of the world and the love of mankind, kind of much like the hippies, while missing out on Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We need to know all 3 personalities to lead a true Christian life. In throwing out Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I have been a struggling Christian consequently.

Here is a further note:

There is an essential problem in believing in the doctrine of "twoness" If we just believe that the Holy Spirit is some random godly ghost that is a gift sent to us by God that is supposed to only help us and guide us, then we don't believe that the Spirit of God is actually living and dwelling within us. The trinity is the belief that God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all God, but they are different, individual, separate beings of God with different essential functions and roles in making up the Kingdom of God. So all three actually make up God. We have to know that God, or that the Spirit of God, actually lives in us in order to be set free. The Holy Spirit isn't just some gift of a holy guidance counselor coming to dwell with us, it is the very spirit of God, and Christ living in us! That means we are just like Christ in the eyes of God the Father. Isn't that a HUGE difference. The bible says that we as the church and as individuals are temples of God, or dwelling places of God, so to take care of our bodies, right? That means that God is in us!

God is GOOD!!

Man, God is so GOOD!! I was just in San Francisco this last week and now I have a new heart for that beautiful, amazing city. God met us there in such an incredible way, blessing us with his daily presence, sending us love notes from heaven. I’m sorry if I seem on cloud 9, but in fact, that is where I am!

Being in Discipleship Training School has been one crazy roller coaster ride. I’ve had some real lows, and then normally followed by a real high. I’m all over the map, but the highs are getting higher and the lows are becoming a necessity. I find myself somewhat looking forward to those lows in some strange way, knowing God is walking me through a trial that will force me and stretch me into growth. My faith and trust is really starting to all lean on Him now, and it is the best feeling in the world, even though I still get scared that He will leave me to just topple over; but that is not the character and nature of our amazing God, and I can trust in that.

God has been speaking to me in such a powerful way that I can feel his breath on my face. He is so close right now, and I am cherishing every moment of it because I know that there comes times in our walk when he hides his face from us. I haven’t felt this close to God since Italy. So, what is it that I’m learning during this season???

I’m learning to not focus on the things that are seen, but in what is unseen, because that is where reality lies. Jesus tells us that the things of this world are of the world, and the things that are not of this world, the things of the Kingdom of God, are unseen. That is where faith has to step in so much. The good news is that God even shows himself to us in seen things, such as nature and creation; thank God for that, because without his physical presence in what’s seen, this earth would look like a glimpse of Hell!

God is revealing to me the importance of the cross. He is showing me the importance of fully dying to ourselves so that He may live through us. See, if we are on the throne of our own lives, then we are all about our needs, our wants, our desires, and even our own rights! It’s me, me, me, me, me! When our lives are about what we want, it is actually separation from God. We focus on ourselves, and our broken and sinful in nature. We are naturally selfish creatures because of the fall, and God has been trying to pull us back into relationship with him ever since. Here is another thing.. Religion is trying to work our way up to God, but relationship is God coming to meet us right where we are. There is a HUGE difference. Even as Christians, we are so focused on ourselves. One thing that seems to be “good,” but in fact is very damaging, is that as Christians we are very sin conscience. We focus so much on our sin and our brokenness, that we continue to feel incomplete and a mess, and it becomes a hopeless and defeating situation. We focus on where we are inadequate and where we don’t measure up to any of God’s standards instead of realizing what Christ did on the cross for us. See, when we put our hope and salvation in Christ, we died with him on the cross. Who we were in our old nature is completely dead! Our old sinful nature is gone and dead, so every sin past, present and future is nailed to the cross with our dead bodies. So we died with Christ, were buried with him, and rose again with him. That is what the representation of baptism is, it is symbolic of our death, burial and resurrection with Christ. So when we die, we also rise again. We now have the Holy Spirit in us, which is Christ’s spirit, and he now lives in us and wants to live through us. We have the same anointing and power that Christ had on earth. We are now co-heirs with Christ, and we are meant to live our lives through the power of his spirit! Jesus told us that we would even do greater things than he did, and that anyone born again of the spirit that is living in the reality of the kingdom of God is even better than John the Baptist! Now that is truly remarkable! So here we have all this anointing and power within us, here we are, God’s children in his living Kingdom, and we are all still oppressed by our old nature and the things that are seen. We are oppressed by the ruler of this world, and not living in and walking out the truth of what is in the unseen. So here we are sin conscious, focused on our dead man nailed to the cross, looking at the places where we fall short and are broken and are inadequate, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. See, if we focus on the unseen, that is the work that lies within us and in who we are, plugged into Christ, co-heirs with him, then we will truly come alive in Spirit and the old nature will completely fall away. Being in relationship naturally works the crap out of us and then fills us again with the very things of God. It becomes a natural process instead of having to work for it, that is only when we are focused into who we truly are. When we die to our needs, wants, plans, desires, and even to our rights, we then come alive to God’s will for our lives, and it is only then that our lives become transformed into the image of Christ. For example, did you know that nothing you own is actually yours? EVERYTHING we own and are possessive of actually belongs to God. We are possessing God’s property, and we are to do with those things as God pleases. That means your car, your home, your clothes, your MONEY, your food, your jewelry, your every single thing. Yes, they are all gifts to us from our great provider, but if he tells you to give, then you give without question. It’s not about giving your 10% anymore, it is giving your 100%. Jesus didn’t give 10% to God, he gave his everything to God, to do with his belongings and possessions as God wanted. We have to break the spirit of poverty, that is clinging on so tightly to what we have out of fear of your needs not being met. We should come into the full realization that when we cling to what we have, then we can’t empty our hands to make them open for what God has in store for you. Don’t you know that God will never leave you hanging? When he asks you to give, he will meet your needs with greater things than what we had before. It’s an exercise of faith, so again, we have to focus on the unseen realities of this world. If we budget God in, then we have no faith or trust. It’s an extreme way of living, but it is the only way to live. It brings you into relationship with our living God, and you will then see miracles and major transformation in your life! So when God asks you to give a car he provided for you, then you give the car with great expectation that God will fill and meet that or some other need in your life in an amazing and miraculous way! God is AWESOME, and when you exercise faith, he will never let you down! Exercising your faith is like working a muscle, it is so hard and can even hurt at first, but the more and longer you do it, the stronger that muscle grows, until before you know it, you wouldn’t ever live back in a spirit of poverty again. Do you see where that forces you into a trusting and faith building relationship with God? I’m telling you that it is in all reality a truly exciting and amazing way to live because you get to witness miracles in your life, and if you aren’t witnessing miracles in your life, then you aren’t living and operating in faith! And it is ok to give with expectation of receiving, because when you come to God with great expectation, you are expecting him to fulfill his promises and to be working on his half of the relationship, and trust me, he will never let you down. He always fulfills his promises!

I don’t really know how I got into all that, but I think the original point was that we are to be living in relationship with God and putting our faith and trust into those things that are unseen. I’ve finally come to a place in being here of completely laying my life down, to the very best of my ability, dying to myself and what I want, so that God can come in and take over what He wants to do with my life. Christians are so resistant, so he is forced into slowly stripping away those things from us because we are clinging on so tightly to our needs, wants, plans, and rights so it becomes this slow process of change because God is working on his end of the deal, he is working in his end of the relationship, but we are not working in ours. So instead of God having to force us into a spirit of humility and brokenness, we all need to come to him humbled in knowing that we have no idea what is best for our lives. That’s why so many have to finally hit a place of rock bottom before they come into relationship with God, because God can only work in those who are humbled and broken, because it is only then that we are fully willing to die to ourselves and give our all to God. When pride and selfishness is working in us, then we are absolutely incapable of listening to God, so God has to bring us to our knees in humility so that we may finally seek his face and want to come to him knowing we don’t know anything about this world and what is best for us. Isn’t that so good?? That God, in all of his love for us, strips us bare and brings us to a place of humility and brokenness so that we may finally know him, love him, and long to be in relationship with him? Isn’t that the most loving thing that he can do? Thank you Jesus that in all of your love for me that you brought me to this humble place!! He truly does use the fools of this world, because every person that worships worldly wisdom and money and every other worldly god has no humility. Any time that we trust in ourselves and our own capability, we are in a very bad place because we are telling ourselves that we don’t need God. We are to trust in God and God alone. We are to never trust in false idols, such as money, or in ourselves and our abilities because then we are not trusting God!

Wow, I didn’t expect to get into all that. I hope that is ok. I guess to finish off, I am in a good place, and I’m finally dying to myself and letting God in to work through me by the power that is at work within me. I’m experiencing Jesus being activated and coming alive within me, so that he lives through me. I have found that that is truly the only way to come to a place of fulfillment, worth, and identity. In dying to myself, I’m no longer worried about what others think of me and whether they judge me or not because I have died to my insecurities and rights to being known and understood. I don’t need to be understood anymore. I don’t need to feel important anymore, because what is truly important is my relationship with God and his working through me. Everything else just seems to fall in place after that. It is a wonderful feeling. It is beyond awesome to get your vision off of this cruel, ugly world and instead on to Jesus and his kingdom, because nothing is more beautiful than that. Nothing fills me with more love than staring up into heaven at my Father. Good is soooooooooo GOOD, and soooooooooooooooo LOVING!! I can’t express that enough!!! I love you guys so much, and mean that from the bottom of my heart!

Kels

Update

Hey guys!

So I have an update on my progress. I don’t even know where to start because so much has happened already since my last letter! The only place I know where to begin is in saying God is SO GOOD! The more I get to know him, the more I fall madly in love with him. He is so different than what I've always thought he looked like, and that only feels like a tiny drop of revelation. The head knowledge of him being good is finally turning into heart knowledge, and I can’t even begin to tell you the level of freedom that brings! The analogy of being lifted up on wings like eagles is coming alive in my life, and I long for not only God’s church to come into this freedom, but the whole world! This is my heart’s greatest desire now, to bring the world out of bondage of our enemy, glory be to God!

I’ll try to start where this all began. Tuesday was such a rough day for me. This week we’ve been talking about discipleship, and our teacher was doing the “break-down” part of discipleship before getting into the “build-up.” In a nutshell (perhaps walnut size =) ) everyone in Christ’s church is called into discipleship, EVERYONE! Jesus told his disciples to go and make more disciples, not Christians! Everyone person in the early church was a disciple of Christ, but that early, raw system of belief got watered down through the ages with false religions and philosophies being intertwined and “married” into it (maybe that’s how denominations got started?), so the original church of Christ lost its authenticity throughout the generations. So all this offspring, or every branch, of the early church got coined under the same label of Christianity. Ok, so anyhoo.. Christianity looks different in every person now, doesn’t it? Back to the point, we are all called to be Disciples of Christ, and in the beginning of this beautiful relationship, the process looks very similar in every person.

The breakdown of Discipleship that we were learning about on Tuesday was this: I am called to fully surrender my all to Christ. I am called to lose myself, to die to myself, to completely throw every aspect of who I am and every element that makes up my whole life to God. We are called to completely surrender all, that is our personalities, our gifts and talents, our every single relationship, our jobs, our careers or callings, our personal belongings, our money, our countries, our homes, our security and comfort, our hearts’ desires and longings, our decisions, our future, our now, our EVERYTHING, we are called to surrender everything to God. How is that even possible!? What does that even look like?? Tuesday I had to process all these emotions. I have to surrender my all, completely die to myself and who I am, give it all over to God, and fully trust this intangible being to build my life back up again? I am called to follow Jesus wherever it is he may take me? I am called to drop all my plans for myself and trust him to come through with a better plan? What STRESS CASE CITY!! Uh!!!! So on top of all of that, Jesus expects me to come to a place of losing all fear of man and do things like evangelism? To “fear” him more than other people? No thank you! Why isn’t that set aside for only special, overly-obsessed people like Paul, Peter, and John the Baptist? That’s not what I want for my life, that’s not who I am God, so thanks but no thanks! Why can’t I have a normal life, and go back to my family and friends? Why can’t I make decisions and plans for myself, and have a normal career with a normal family and just live a happy, normal, non overly-obsessive life. That was sounding so good; home sounded good, normalcy sounded real good.. so basically, God, leave me alone! YWAM, leave me alone! I’m ready to just start over on my own again.

Yeah, so that is what I was learning in school. That was the life that I was seeing in other people around me, in the speakers and such. That was the life that I knew God was calling me to, and all I could ask was, “Why God? Why me??” I didn’t want it. So, Tuesday was a hard day to say the least. I started to have daydreams of going home, back to my life that I was living, even though I knew I didn’t want that strangely enough.

I woke up Wednesday feeling renewed and refreshed. I thought it was odd, but I was thankful nonetheless. Going to lecture the speaker started out wanting to talk to us about how hard this all is. He said that every time he speaks about discipleship, God kicks his ass (butt =) ) all over the place. He promised that this life is not easy, that it is really hard, but that he wouldn’t choose to live life any other way even if he could. Now starts the rebuilding process of discipleship. Jeremy stated it like this, “God wants us to stop clinging to the pile of crap that is in our arms and instead discard of it so that he could refill our arms with treasure.” So basically, God wants us to trust him with our whole lives. He wants us to give everything up to him so that he can then filter back to us the things that are good, the things that are from him, and filter out the crap (sin) that we've brought into our own lives that are actually slowly killing us (there is also something to be said for personal responsibility that we take on, such as children, but that is another topic I’d love to talk about with anybody). At the end of lecture, Jeremy put on the nooma video Dust by Rob Bell, which is probably my favorite one by far. It’s about discipleship and it is soooooo good! God was just speaking to me throughout the whole video and I couldn’t help but weep in front of the whole class. In it God was saying, “Kellie, I’m not making you do this. I didn’t choose this life for you because it is the right thing to do. I didn’t choose this life for you because I’m controlling and you need to perform for me. I didn’t choose this life for you because I expect you to be obedient to my word. I called you into this life because I love you, I have faith in you, and I trust you. I know you can be just like me.” Oh man, how my heart leapt inside of my chest! See God chose the fools of the world to put to shame worldly wisdom. Jesus chose young men who were considered the least of the Jews to come follow him. The best, of the best, of the best became Pharisees and teachers of the law, and they were the only group that Jesus was constantly butting heads with. In the final work of the cross, Jesus’ disciples were the ones to step up and became like Christ, beginning the church and making followers of Christ. So you don’t have to be the most educated, you don’t have to be the most respected, you don’t have to have your whole life put together, and you don’t have to be perfect. Where does God get glory in any of those things? Why do you even need God if you are all put together, rich, powerful, and wise? God uses people in a humble state, those who need him, to do his work. That’s me! I’m the fool, and frankly, so are you! YAY!

A huge revelation that has come is that yes, I have made Christ my savior, but I never made him Lord. I think that is a problem at large in the American church today, a problem that I am totally guilty of. I do believe that I have been forgiven at salvation, but I didn’t trust him to be Lord of my life. See, now I like to look at my life as my kingdom, and I have been ruler of my kingdom sitting in power over all on the thrown. What has that looked like? Crap, my life has been crap. Everything I do with my own power and strength just turns to crap. So here comes Jesus trying to overthrow me. He has been trying to take over my throne and become the Lord of my life, and I have been resisting him, pushing him out of the seat because I don’t trust him in doing what is best for my kingdom; actually, I don’t trust him to bring me happiness and fulfillment, so I make my own plans. So as soon as Jesus entered my life as savior, there has been a power struggle for my kingdom, for my life, and that’s why nothing worked that I did. See, Christ being my savior without being my Lord has resulted in cheap grace. God’s not content with that.

So God wants me to come into intimate relationship with him and clearly hear his voice. God wants me to fully trust him and kick out all the crutches and plans that keep me from needing him. In turn he wants to give me a better life than the one I've made for myself. He wants to give me bigger dreams and more fulfillment than I could ever find on my own. Jesus wants me to know that I have what it takes to be just like him, by the power that lies within me from his finished work on the cross, and to even do greater things than what he even did. Read the gospel, it's all there. The gospel isn't some far fetched fairy tale. It's not just meant to be interpreted; it's meant to be lived out and experienced! He wants this for his whole church. Could you imagine what this world would look like if every "Christian" was truly dying to themselves and letting Jesus live through them? I don't think this dream is far off. God is speaking to his church right now, and it is all awakening from a deep slumber. The last thing this world needs is more counterfeit Christianity. Hasn't Christianity caused enough damage to the world? Don't we already have enough blood and judgment on our hands? Let's get out of being lukewarm and find truth!

I hope you know I'm preaching to myself here, and that everything I say is always aimed mostly at me! I really don't believe I'm over the top, crazy, or far off in some ditch. I think I'm just hopping on board with what God is already doing, I'm trying to move with him, and I can only hope this rings true in your soul. All I really know is that I don't want a mediocre life, I want an extravagant one, and trust me, God is not boring like most Christians and even non-Christians I know.. If anyone marches to the beat of a different drum, it's Him! He is unpredictable and enormous beyond measure!! I'm excited!!!

Seriously, this has been just scraping the tip of the iceberg of what’s been going on inside of me. I feel if I write any more it would just be too much, and too long. I’ve been scratching my head just trying to figure out what to say. I do want to say that I’m a work in progress right now, so I could only hope that any BS I’m putting out there will just fall through, and what is truth will stick with you. Please continue to pray for me, especially in the area of value. I know inside things getting better, but I’m still far, far away from where I want to be. Please if any of you have any questions or want to talk to me or challenge me about anything at all, I'm here. I probably won't have the right answer, but I will listen to your every word and give you my best. I love you guys so much!

Kell

After years of silence...

“After years of silence that won’t let a heart open, there is love.”

This is a line I heard just minutes ago from a song about the brokenness of this world, yet there is still love. It’s an excellent song, but this particular line hit me hard and brought tears to my eyes. By the end of the song I was sobbing. This line, “After years of silence that won’t let a heart open” seemed to encapsulate my brokenness up to this day. I’ve had horrible issues and turmoil within myself in dealing with my worth, identity, and value. I have felt unwanted, worthless, without important opinion, and pushed aside, like my life doesn’t matter in this world. To make it even worse, it seems as God was at the very base of the source of this pain.

Growing up, I knew I came at a time that was inconvenient to say the least. I was very lonely as a child. Most of my memories are of me playing in my playroom. Maybe that is why I have never had a problem with materialism; material objects never satisfied; I longed for relationship. When I did come out of the playroom, I was scared of creating waves in the house. I was scared I was going to do something wrong. I was terrified that I was going to set my dad off into a very dark mood; I had to walk on eggshells around him all the time. A lot of the time, coming out of the playroom just wasn’t even an option. Mom and dad were also absent, working to start a business and run it on their own. I have the most memories of my babysitter Donna growing up, far off in some other place in the house cleaning. Yeah, I felt very alone growing up, with a few special friends and siblings that were way too old for me to relate to on any level. On top of all this, God (dad too) was angry. If I screwed up, my worth went down in value. He only seemed to be pleased if I was a good little girl. God was also confining and restricting. I think my little heart always knew that there was a bigger truth out there. I don’t blame my upbringing or anyone in it for my brokenness, because I know that I am responsible for me now, plus so much has changed. I just need to understand why I am the way that I am, and the place where that always starts is your childhood.

So growing up I never had much to say. I had a big family and strong-minded, opinionated sisters always shining in the foreground. I was the baby without opinion. I grew up in the shadows of my sisters, at least that’s how I felt. I know my needs and wants were always met, to an extent of even jealousy, but that was not important to me, at least not looking back now it wasn’t. All my years I stayed silent. Only few got the key to open my heart to see me for who I fully am. I’ve been told by a close friend that I’m much like an onion (the irony!) with many layers to peel back to finally get to see the full picture of Kellie. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to have social anxiety. I want to feel free to not care and be fully me at all times! But something has been lacking. I don’t have that freedom. I have a closed heart. I’ve known that I’ve had these worth, identity, and value issues. I’ve known that it’s been a big black hole inside of me. I’ve tried to fill that hole with everything imaginable, mostly through the approval of the guys in my relationships. I thought if they valued me, then I must have worth. That’s so simple, so tangible. I never wanted to trust God in filling that black hole, at least not the god of my upbringing. Even all the way up to this DTS, I’ve been chasing everything that gave me a sense of worth, but God in all his goodness has been chasing after me, blocking off all my pursuits to bring me back to him, a humbled and broken mess.

Here is some scripture from Hosea that has been on my heart since I’ve gotten here:

“Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband at first, for then I was better off than now.’ “

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards… There she will sing as in the days of her youth… ‘In that day,’ declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master,’ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked… I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

So what can I say? I’ve been blocked off by thorn bushes from my pursuit of other lovers (which takes on many shapes and forms) and I’m back to my God, finally! The only difference is that my God now looks A LOT different than the one I used to know. Now I see that the only place, or person, that I can turn to for my worth, for my value, and for my identity is Jesus. He is the only one that can fill that hole inside me. He is the only one who can satisfy that place in my heart. He is the only one that can open my heart fully again!

I’m writing you all to update you on my progress, and to truly ask you all to please pray that God may fully open my heart again, not just around a few select people, but around everyone at all times. I long for that freedom! Do you guys have any idea how much that would radically change my life for the good? I can’t even possibly imagine, but I have full confidence that as I throw myself before the feet of Jesus in full submission and full trust in him, he will do this very work in me. Please keep me in your prayers! One thing that I’ve learned since I’ve been here is the power of our prayers! They are so strong, and they are an act of essential relationship with our creator. He longs for us to sit in the court room of heaven with him, throwing out what is on our minds and our hearts, each of us playing a major role in the very decisions he makes for this world! It’s our right as his children and as coheirs with Christ. I can’t wait to write to you all more on this subject, but for now, yes, please pray for me! I love you guys so much and have you in my prayers!

Tons of love!

Kellie

God – My New Navigation System

All my life I’ve heard it said that everything happens for a reason, that nothing happens by chance. That would mean that I have absolutely no control over my life and how it is played out, but instead God has laid out my whole life and every decision before me, and we are all just like puppets, playing out God’s will. It’s as if God plotted, planned, prepared, and made a movie about humankind and planet earth, and now He is sitting back in a theater, watching it all play out. I know that for much of my life I’ve adopted this philosophy, without even really knowing it, and I think it has reaped some serious consequences in my life.

Considering all this, is there a right or wrong decision? I don’t really know. All I can tell you is that I feel like I’ve made some wrong decisions for my life, and they reaped really bad consequences, but I also know that God turns the bad into good for those who love him. I believe that many of my bad choices have been redeemed.

I have come to the conclusion that God is my navigation system. I do believe that yes, I do make wrong decisions in my life, and yes, I have made many, but I also believe that God is so good that he has the ability to recalculate a new path, or a new route, as soon as we make a bad decision for ourselves, or a wrong turn, if we are plugged into Him. I know that many times in the past that has looked like, “Whoa! Turn around! Make a u-turn immediately!” It has also looked like me driving along, taking a different route on purpose, and God reconfiguring a new path to lay out in front of me. Does he have foreknowledge of our final destination? I really don’t know that either, but my inkling is yes, but I do believe that we can fall out of God’s will for our lives or else Jesus wouldn’t have told us to pray that the Father’s will be done for our lives.

How do we know the best paths, the best turns, the best decisions? How do we know that we are on course? Jesus is our perfect example, and the more we know him, the more we love him, and the more we love him then the more we trust him and his direction. Jesus is the word, so he is scripture, so we can always rely on its truth, love, and wisdom to lead us in the right direction. Probably more importantly, there is the very handy Holy Spirit given to us.

Now I believe that I actually do have control over my life and my destiny, and even though that’s a bit scary to know how much responsibility lies in my hands, it’s also empowering to take the wheel and drive…

Lots of Love!!

Kels

Week One!

Hey guys! Week one is already over and I’m crazy excited! We have come to a final decision for an outreach…

India and Burma!!!
I’m so excited and I can’t wait! India was in the very top #1 slot of my list of countries to go to and this will be the first trip to India for this particular base and group! We will be working in orphanages and with prostitutes, amongst many, MANY other things that we will be doing over there. I know that there will be a lot of prayer and intercession for those areas and people during our whole stay there; I can’t wait to see what will take place during our stay!

So, a little about the base.. It’s gorgeous out here and I’m with an extraordinary group of Christians. They are so full of love and life.. they are truly inspiring individuals and I’m so grateful that these are the people in leadership over me. I was afraid they would be lame or the really annoying kind of Christians, but the opposite has proved to be true.

I’m not going to lie and not tell you that everything has been perfect. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since I’ve been here. Some things that have been lying dormant inside me are bubbling up and surfacing. I’ve had to face some demons of the past and it has been stressful, but I know that everything will be better coming out on the other side of all this. I knew that there was going to be some internal work taking place during this first phase; I just didn’t expect for it to come this soon!

We’ve already done some awesome things during our orientation. One thing that I didn’t realize about YWAM was the level of in-reach that takes place at each base. These people feed and take care of the homeless, and this is only one of the numerous things that they do to love on their community. For example, we went on a prayer tour this week and I wasn't looking forward to going because I thought it sounded incredibly lame, but it ended up being my favorite day by far. Most of the base (about 30 of us) got together to travel to 10 different cities in the central coast, so basically our surrounding area. In each city we all split into groups of 3 and 4 and went to a private location. We each prayed about each city and asked to hear from God on what is on his heart about each city, and then whatever we got we prayed and interceded for on the behalf of that city. Then we all came together to talk about what each group got. When we all shared, all of our groups results blended beautifully into getting the same result. Most of us heard the same word about each city, and the word for each city was very different. There was no way that could have happened outside of God and I was blown away by each and every person’s ability to hear God’s voice! I got to witness it firsthand with my own eyes, and I was just awestruck and so grateful. I think I fell in love with God all over again that day. He just demonstrated his power, glory, and love for personal relationship with each of us, and I was so incredibly inspired for the all things to come. All of us coming together as a group created a powerful tool for intercession for these cities, and I was just blown away by the hugeness and the extreme intimacy of God all at once. I’m sure you would have had to experience it to understand it in full.

So, I’m having a great time here and will continue to give updates at least weekly. Please keep me in your hearts and prayers!

Lots of love!

Kellie