Monday, March 30, 2009

Baptism

I just had the most amazing walk at the beach! Man, God is so good!! Normally I go down to the beach to talk to God about my pain, my hurts, my wounds, etc., but this walk I felt an overwhelming since of peace and lightness, and my prayer reflected it. I was able to focus on practical things, such as money and provision, and well, I’ll just say comparatively very small current things.

I felt God asking me to look at the ocean, and there was a real since of excitement I felt in his voice, like a little kid. In looking at it a felt a reminder coming up, “Look Kellie, see!? Do you remember what happened here just 3 days ago? You were baptized!” It really warmed my heart feeling that it apparently meant a lot to him that I was baptized, because I really never knew how I felt about getting baptized a second time. So I was like, “Yeah God, that was an awesome experience.. such a good day.” And I really did feel warmed at his sweet presence, and I was thankful for that. He wasn’t finished though. He kept going. I felt him pointing at my lightness wanting me to focus on it. Sure enough, revelation hit me in that moment. I haven’t felt heavy inside in three days, and by that I mean I haven’t been struggling with the overwhelming weight of my past.

Okay, so now I’m going to paraphrase what I felt he was telling me:

“Kellie, look out at the ocean. Do you realize what happened out there? Yes, it is symbolic, but it is powerful. You just took part in John’s baptism, that is, the baptism of repentance. I’ve told you this before, ‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!’ See how big the ocean is Kellie? That ocean is symbolic of my grace, and your old self has been washed away by my grace. That old you that you struggled with, it is gone. Your past, all the sin of your past, my grace has washed you clean. You don’t feel the weight of your old self anymore because that person is gone and you are a new creation!”

I can’t tell you how powerful that was to me. See, before this, I really did feel the weight of my past. I hate digging it up over, and over, and over again. I hate dwelling in it. I hate feeling like I need years of work, years of inner healing, years of Jesus washing away my sins before I can feel complete and whole again. The work seemed too overwhelming and too tiring. I hate going through every memory feeling like I need to go through it again with the truth of Jesus in order to find healing. I swear that there is a supernatural inner work that takes place in water baptism. It’s like all my sin is totally gone, and that I am a totally new person that doesn’t have to dwell in the past anymore. God has way too much for my future to take all the time to dwell in the past, trying to go back and fix everything that I went through with truth. I’m not saying that he will never take me back from time to time as a reminder of where I‘ve been, but he definitely doesn’t want me to dwell there. I feel light, I feel free! I feel like I’m lacking in nothing! So does that mean that I have been made whole and complete?

Then he asked me to go to the sand where it was still wet from the tide and to start writing in the sand every sin that came to mind. I thought it was odd, especially after everything that he just spoke to me, but I did it anyway. I started writing every sin that came up in my heart that I had formally felt like I still had to deal with and conquer from my past. As I was trying to write all these words in the sand, I noticed that the water underneath the sand made it hard for the words to stick as I was writing them, but finally I stood back and watched a wave completely wash away the rimenence of what was left of the words that I had written. I felt him telling me at that time, “Any time that you have sin in your life from now on, come to me, bring me that sin, and watch it get washed away by my grace, by my unconditional love for you.” I looked up at the ocean with new eyes and saw the ocean as his love and grace for me. The best part is that the waves of his grace never stop coming; they will never stop washing my heart clean. When we are in relationship with him, we get to experience his grace, upon grace, upon grace, upon grace. All we have to do is bring him all the crap that rises out of our hearts, no more digging required. He is so awesome, and his love is huge beyond measure!

I strongly encourage anyone who feels a heaviness from their past, who is carrying around the weight of it on their soldiers, to go get baptized, even if that means that you get baptized again. I believe with all my heart that God wants us to know his heart in baptism, that it isn’t about something we do in order to get into heaven, but it is a symbolic act of understanding his love for us and in understanding the work of the cross. Getting baptized is repentance, and by that I mean a rededication and turning back to Jesus, wanting him to be Lord of your life, and coming back into agreeance with God in knowing that his will in our lives is the only way to abundant life! If you struggle with the guilt of sin or a heavy past of hurt and oppression, let that water of baptism wash it away. I promise you won’t regret it!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Rejection

Rejection, how do I even begin? It seems the theme of my life has been that of rejection, and growing up in an environment of conditional love never helped to say the least. I was raised in the most legalistic of churches just to begin. I was utterly rejected in junior-high because I was awkward as an early teen with stories to tell that still break my heart to this day. At age 16 I left the only life I had ever known that was completely entangled in a church community, and my whole family was severely rejected by that whole community. It was then that I was rejected by my extended family and those who helped raise me and loved me until the time we left the church. I was rejected by every friend that I grew up with from the time I was a baby. I went into rebellion and was even rejected by some of my immediate family members. I barely made it through my high school years and then went to college, got in with the wrong crowd, and was rejected by my whole group of friends at the end of four years that led me to an emotional breakdown. I suffer with the worse self-esteem and get mad at myself because I feel so weak. I haven’t understood why I couldn’t just have a good self image, why I couldn’t just love myself; why couldn’t I trust others? Why couldn’t I just toughen up, be strong, and get through life loving myself?

God brought a memory to surface tonight that I stuffed down so deeply, I erased it from my memory because I couldn’t deal with the pain of it, but it was still there, lingering and festering, causing me to interpret my whole world around me from a place of severe wounding. I have been through very dark places in my life, but God never stopped perusing me through it all. The truth is that he always had my heart, but I just couldn’t trust him.

As every memory started coming to mind, one after the other, of times that I my heart was broken from the rejection that I experienced, God started speaking to me, “Kellie, you look at yourself as weak. You don’t like yourself because you don’t understand why you can’t be stronger, or why you can’t have a high self-esteem like others around you. The question that you should ask yourself is this, “How am I so strong?” From the level of rejection and conditional love that you have received, how have you held up under all this weight? Do you know the answer to that question? I’ve carried you. I’ve continually pursued you. I have loved you and held you so close to my heart through all your pain and suffering, that it has been my love that has kept you going, that has kept you from completely buckling under the pressure. My dear, I have seen the suffering that you have endured, and I have seen your heart shattered time and time again. My heart has been broken for you, I have wept with you in your suffering! All your life all I’ve longed for you to turn to me so that I could fill you with my love and restore you back to myself. I want to put the pieces of your shattered heart back together again, to make you whole, complete, and a light to this world. You have been so rejected Kellie because you have always been a carrier of my light, and the dark places you have gone and been to, you were rejected there because darkness hates the light. I came to you and told you to turn from that path, to turn from darkness; I opened your eyes to the reality that you were living in because I love you and wanted you to come back to me. Kellie, you are strong, you have carried so much pain, and look at how beautiful you are still weary one. You have a heart of love and to love others, despite the rejection you’ve been through, and I find that beautiful beyond any measure. You are amazing, and I am so proud of you!

He told me that the story I recently put together from the bible, “My Beloved”, was actually about me, and that I was to take it personally. I went back and read through the whole thing, and could hardly even get through it. I saw the whole story through new eyes. It was my life.. it was me. I couldn’t even believe it.
This is the God that I now know I serve. He is soooooooooooooooooooooooo good! He is beautiful and loving beyond measure! I always thought that he barely tolerated my sin, and that he was sick of having to redeem my life time and time again. I always felt that if I pushed him just a little farther, he would surely finally wash his hands to me. I just saw him as constantly frustrated with me. Now I have found the opposite of that to be true. He has a heart that is desperately in love with us, and his heart breaks when ours gets broken. He isn’t mad at our brokenness, but instead is broken-hearted because of our brokenness, and longs to restore us and make us whole again, if only we would turn to him. Every time that I even slightly turned back to him in my life he would shower me with his love, mercy, and grace. How about this: even when I was not seeking him and purposefully turned my back to him, he opened my eyes to see the reality that he saw, desperately trying to pull me back to him. His love is so beautiful that our human minds can’t even comprehend it! I’m madly in love with him, and I KNOW that all of us would be if we only truly knew his heart!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

“My Beloved”



I am currently working with a Christian organization who longs to bring freedom to those caught in the web of sex slavery. There are currently approximately 27,000,000 people who are victims of human trafficking, in a 31 billion dollar industry, and over 75% of them are used as sex slaves. For the past two months I've been working with others to put a traveling art show together, and for my part of the presentation I painted a piece and I will be sharing this story that I assembled straight out of the books of Lamentations and Isaiah in the Bible. The last paragraph is an expression of my heart! I know in writing this I connected to it so deeply on a soul level, as I think everyone can. These are words straight up out of the bible, so everyone should connect to them in their own life and heart! I love you guys!!


She who was queen among provinces has now become a slave. Bitterly she weeps at night. Among all her lovers there is none to comfort her, all her friends have betrayed her, and have become her enemies. They looked at her and laughed at her destruction.

All who honored her despise her, for they have seen her nakedness; she herself groans and looks away. Her filthiness clings to her skirt; she does not consider her future.

“Look, O Lord, on my affliction, for the enemy has triumphed!”

The enemy has laid hands on all her treasures; pagan nations enter her sanctuary, those who had been forbidden to enter. She barters her treasures for food to keep herself alive.

“Look, O Lord, and consider, for I am despised!”

For this is why her tears flow like a river day and night. No one is near to comfort her, no one to restore her spirit. Her groans are many and her heart is faint.

All who passes her way clap their hands at her; they scoff and shake their heads at the daughter of Jerusalem. Wasn’t she the one that was called perfection of beauty, the joy of the whole earth?

Her enemy has walled her in so she cannot escape; he has weighed her down with chains. He has made her path crooked. Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged her from her path, mangled her, and left her without help.
He drew his bow and made her the target for his arrows. He has broken her teeth with gravel and has trampled her in the dust. Her heart is now filled with bitter herbs.

So she says, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord!”
She was brighter than snow and whiter than milk, her body more flush than rubies, her appearance like sapphires. But now she is blacker than soot; she is not recognized in the streets. Her skin has shriveled on her bones.

She can no longer hear the music. Joy is gone from her heart. Her dancing has turned to mourning, and because of these things her eyes grow dim. Her wound is as deep as the sea, who can heal her?

Her heart cries out to the Lord:

“You, O Lord, risen forever, your throne endures from generation to generation. Why did you forget me? Why do you forsake me so long? Restore me, O Lord, unless you have utterly rejected me!”

The Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all who call on him! How gracious he is when he hears a cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer.

This is his heart’s cry:

“Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed!”

The Lord longs to be gracious to those who cry for help; he rises to show them compassion.

Hear the cry of the Lord’s heart for his beloved!

“I am your redeemer, who formed you in the womb! Turn to me and be saved; for I alone am God, there is no other! I will shield and deliver you, I will pass over and rescue you. Be strong, do not fear; I will come with vengeance; with divine retribution I will come to save you. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you. I will lead you by ways you have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide you; I will turn the darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.

Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine, and are precious in my sight. Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. I will restore you! I will rebuild you!

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. I will make your deserts like Eden, your wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in you, thanksgiving and the sound of singing!

For your sake I will not keep silent, for your sake I will not remain quit, till your righteousness shines out like the dawn and your salvation like a blazing torch. I will not forsake you!

This is our Lord’s heart for the world:

“I, the Lord, love justice! My justice will become a light to the nations. My righteousness draws near speedily, and my salvation is on the way! The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon!

You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, for I, the Lord, have created it!”

There is hope!! There is hope for the prisoners and the oppressed! The hope is in the Lord, the savior and redeemer of this world!! He longs to bring justice to the world, to those who are entangled in the web of slavery, and even to those who have thrown themselves into rebellion against God, but Jesus says the workers are few. He is the head, and we are the body - his hands and feet. He longs for those who are willing to go and do his work. He is waiting for us to say, “Not my will God, but yours be done!” God knows how to get the work done, and he longs to bring justice to the nations, but he needs us. He has given us that authority. Are you willing to do your share? Are you saying yes to God and his plans for you, to bring justice to the nations?

Righteousness

Wow! I’ve come back to feeding on milk in this season that is essential to coming into maturity in Christ. The milk is so good, and it has never looked like this before. Here it is, essential Christianity

Through our faith in Jesus Christ we have been made righteous in the eyes of God. Christian religion makes us believe that we have to climb the latter of good works in order to obtain God, but in fact that is a lie that the enemy has implanted in our heads because it is devastating to the truth! Legalism in Christianity is no better than any other false religion out there!!

Through Christ’s sacrifice for us, we have been justified back to God through faith in him. We have been made righteous in the eyes of God, through Jesus' blood, and our sins no longer hold us back from intimate relationship with our living God. Whenever we feel like we are lacking in our lives, or that our sins and brokenness keeps God frustrated and angry with us, that is when we are buying into the lie of our enemy. By looking at our dead man, we can’t see who we are in the eyes of God. We are righteous, and even if we have made our bed in hell, God is with us and sees us as righteous. He said he would never forsake us, and he absolutely will not. How many know that even in an extreme season of sin in your life, God was still there chasing you down? God is not mad at us, but instead is madly in love with us. When we are focused on ourselves and who we were before Christ, and when we are focused on our sins and areas where we lack, we are being tossed about by waves and are unstable, because we are consumed with all the areas where we are broken and don't measure up to perfection. When we focus on who we are in Christ, that we look like Jesus in the eyes of God, we are stable, mature, and cannot be swayed. We need to be focused and consumed with the truth of the reality of who we are in our new creation, because only then does our old nature completely fall away.

Here are some basic facts that I got from listening to John Sheasby:
Statements on the word of righteousness = being justified through faith, being reestablished back to the Father in right position with him, we have peace with God through Jesus, we are righteous in His sight, standing in the right place with God, trusting in the blood of Jesus only, we no longer have to get there… This is the GOOD NEWS of the gospel!!

"People with character flaws are still righteous, thank God, or we would all be in serious trouble, so have mercy on one another, because God has been so merciful to us."

"Jesus perfectly obeyed the law on our behalf, so we are no longer held to the law but are instead established in the righteousness of Christ. He did all the work for us!"

"The glory of God shows up best in the worst of circumstances; the light shines best in the dark."

So here we are, co-heirs with Christ, he was the first born of many brothers, and we are in the same standing with God as Jesus so that we can boldly approach His throne. The Lord is our helper, so in every circumstance our needs are provided for. The enemy loves to come and make circumstance in our lives that makes us doubt the presence of God in our lives, and makes us doubt the truth that He will always fulfill our needs. That was the original sin in the garden that resulted in the fall of mankind; the enemy spoke words of doubt to Eve about the character and nature of God, that He fills us and takes care of our every need and that he knows what is best for us. He attacked the very identity and truth of who they were in God, and instead made them believe that they were lacking. Doubt led to disbelief in who God said he was, and who we are in him, and we are still believing that lie to this day. We are righteous in the eyes of God and he will fill our every need and bless us beyond measure, but we have to rebuke the work of Satan in our lives and we have every right and ability to do so, because Jesus did so, and he is living in us. So let’s rebuke the work of the enemy in every area of our lives! Let’s break his power over our minds by proclaiming the truth that we are righteous in the eyes of God and God is our provider and the Lord is our helper and that he no longer has any power over us! He is under our feet and God is in control of our lives, so let’s rebuke him in every area that he has ever cast doubt in the character and nature of God. He has no dominion over us by the Spirit of Christ living in us, and we are fully reconciled to God, and God will meet our every need! Don’t we know that with Christ dwelling within us that we will never go hungry? That we never have to worry about provision because He will always take care of us as sons just as he took care of Jesus? When we have doubt in our hearts, it crowds out any room for faith, and if we had the full faith to know who we are in Christ, then we would never have doubt again.
So let’s stop looking at the areas where we lack, where we don’t measure up, where we feel incomplete, and let the truth sink in that our Father see’s us as his son Jesus Christ. He has come to meet us right where we are at, and we have that special anointing to be just like our favorite rabbi Jesus, and through that faith we have the ability to stomp on our enemy and do the work of Christ, and have the same exact relationship with God that Jesus had.

Godhead

Today we had a speaker come in that started talking about the character and nature of God. This man is a truly inspiring individual and already my eyes have been opened so much! There were a few things discussed today that I really wanted to share…

The Trinity
This subject has always been taboo in my life as well as in Christianity as a whole. I know that everything that I have ever heard and learned about the Godhead never really sunk in and made since to me, and the subject has never become practical to my life. This view, on the other hand, makes so much sense to me and I feel like it has opened my eyes so much!

God is made up of three distinct personalities, or distinct characters: God (the Father), Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. So, there are three distinct personalities, but they are all somehow one. I have heard many analogies of this in the past, a couple being a man can be all son, father, and husband at the same time, but he is still one; or I have also heard that an apple is one as a whole, but also has a core, the meat, and then the skin, all serving different functions. I’m not saying that there isn’t any truth to these analogies, but I can honestly say that still nothing clicked within me. I didn’t understand why Jesus would pray to his father, and relate that to me as a daughter praying to myself as a mother.
Here is what our teacher taught today. You might want to at least take it into consideration.

The Trinity are all made up of the same ‘substance’ so to speak, but are not the same being, but they are exactly united in mind and spirit. In being one, they are inseparable, co-existent, and co-eternal. The trinity also does not operate as a hierarchy but as all equal. To better imagine the separation of the three all at once is in the baptism of Christ. Try and imagine the picture of God in the flesh, Jesus, coming up from baptism. There he was in the water, with the Holy Spirit descending on him like a dove, and a voice coming out of Heaven speaking out saying, “This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” Can you see all three of them at once? They are all different persons, and they all have different roles.
The best way to describe this 3 in one is it is like an ultimately united community. Jesus prayed a prayer over his disciples in John, “that they may be as one as we are one.” Imagine only three of the disciples, all called humankind, but are all meant to serve different functions. The only straight way to explain it is that Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit are all not each other, but they are all God.

Here are 3 statements that help to show the function of each character, and how to apply them to our everyday lives.

3 statements
• God is Spirit – Holy Spirit (the transporter or messenger between heaven and earth)
• God is Light – Jesus (the word in flesh)
• God is Love – Father (foundation of creation and supreme ruler over the universe)

All too often, many individuals and churches as a whole will lean too much on one personality of God, while missing out on the perfect balance on the 3 personalities of God. I have to admit, before coming to DTS, I leaned way too much solely on God the Father and his love, feeling the love of the world and the love of mankind, kind of much like the hippies, while missing out on Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We need to know all 3 personalities to lead a true Christian life. In throwing out Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I have been a struggling Christian consequently.

Here is a further note:

There is an essential problem in believing in the doctrine of "twoness" If we just believe that the Holy Spirit is some random godly ghost that is a gift sent to us by God that is supposed to only help us and guide us, then we don't believe that the Spirit of God is actually living and dwelling within us. The trinity is the belief that God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all God, but they are different, individual, separate beings of God with different essential functions and roles in making up the Kingdom of God. So all three actually make up God. We have to know that God, or that the Spirit of God, actually lives in us in order to be set free. The Holy Spirit isn't just some gift of a holy guidance counselor coming to dwell with us, it is the very spirit of God, and Christ living in us! That means we are just like Christ in the eyes of God the Father. Isn't that a HUGE difference. The bible says that we as the church and as individuals are temples of God, or dwelling places of God, so to take care of our bodies, right? That means that God is in us!

God is GOOD!!

Man, God is so GOOD!! I was just in San Francisco this last week and now I have a new heart for that beautiful, amazing city. God met us there in such an incredible way, blessing us with his daily presence, sending us love notes from heaven. I’m sorry if I seem on cloud 9, but in fact, that is where I am!

Being in Discipleship Training School has been one crazy roller coaster ride. I’ve had some real lows, and then normally followed by a real high. I’m all over the map, but the highs are getting higher and the lows are becoming a necessity. I find myself somewhat looking forward to those lows in some strange way, knowing God is walking me through a trial that will force me and stretch me into growth. My faith and trust is really starting to all lean on Him now, and it is the best feeling in the world, even though I still get scared that He will leave me to just topple over; but that is not the character and nature of our amazing God, and I can trust in that.

God has been speaking to me in such a powerful way that I can feel his breath on my face. He is so close right now, and I am cherishing every moment of it because I know that there comes times in our walk when he hides his face from us. I haven’t felt this close to God since Italy. So, what is it that I’m learning during this season???

I’m learning to not focus on the things that are seen, but in what is unseen, because that is where reality lies. Jesus tells us that the things of this world are of the world, and the things that are not of this world, the things of the Kingdom of God, are unseen. That is where faith has to step in so much. The good news is that God even shows himself to us in seen things, such as nature and creation; thank God for that, because without his physical presence in what’s seen, this earth would look like a glimpse of Hell!

God is revealing to me the importance of the cross. He is showing me the importance of fully dying to ourselves so that He may live through us. See, if we are on the throne of our own lives, then we are all about our needs, our wants, our desires, and even our own rights! It’s me, me, me, me, me! When our lives are about what we want, it is actually separation from God. We focus on ourselves, and our broken and sinful in nature. We are naturally selfish creatures because of the fall, and God has been trying to pull us back into relationship with him ever since. Here is another thing.. Religion is trying to work our way up to God, but relationship is God coming to meet us right where we are. There is a HUGE difference. Even as Christians, we are so focused on ourselves. One thing that seems to be “good,” but in fact is very damaging, is that as Christians we are very sin conscience. We focus so much on our sin and our brokenness, that we continue to feel incomplete and a mess, and it becomes a hopeless and defeating situation. We focus on where we are inadequate and where we don’t measure up to any of God’s standards instead of realizing what Christ did on the cross for us. See, when we put our hope and salvation in Christ, we died with him on the cross. Who we were in our old nature is completely dead! Our old sinful nature is gone and dead, so every sin past, present and future is nailed to the cross with our dead bodies. So we died with Christ, were buried with him, and rose again with him. That is what the representation of baptism is, it is symbolic of our death, burial and resurrection with Christ. So when we die, we also rise again. We now have the Holy Spirit in us, which is Christ’s spirit, and he now lives in us and wants to live through us. We have the same anointing and power that Christ had on earth. We are now co-heirs with Christ, and we are meant to live our lives through the power of his spirit! Jesus told us that we would even do greater things than he did, and that anyone born again of the spirit that is living in the reality of the kingdom of God is even better than John the Baptist! Now that is truly remarkable! So here we have all this anointing and power within us, here we are, God’s children in his living Kingdom, and we are all still oppressed by our old nature and the things that are seen. We are oppressed by the ruler of this world, and not living in and walking out the truth of what is in the unseen. So here we are sin conscious, focused on our dead man nailed to the cross, looking at the places where we fall short and are broken and are inadequate, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. See, if we focus on the unseen, that is the work that lies within us and in who we are, plugged into Christ, co-heirs with him, then we will truly come alive in Spirit and the old nature will completely fall away. Being in relationship naturally works the crap out of us and then fills us again with the very things of God. It becomes a natural process instead of having to work for it, that is only when we are focused into who we truly are. When we die to our needs, wants, plans, desires, and even to our rights, we then come alive to God’s will for our lives, and it is only then that our lives become transformed into the image of Christ. For example, did you know that nothing you own is actually yours? EVERYTHING we own and are possessive of actually belongs to God. We are possessing God’s property, and we are to do with those things as God pleases. That means your car, your home, your clothes, your MONEY, your food, your jewelry, your every single thing. Yes, they are all gifts to us from our great provider, but if he tells you to give, then you give without question. It’s not about giving your 10% anymore, it is giving your 100%. Jesus didn’t give 10% to God, he gave his everything to God, to do with his belongings and possessions as God wanted. We have to break the spirit of poverty, that is clinging on so tightly to what we have out of fear of your needs not being met. We should come into the full realization that when we cling to what we have, then we can’t empty our hands to make them open for what God has in store for you. Don’t you know that God will never leave you hanging? When he asks you to give, he will meet your needs with greater things than what we had before. It’s an exercise of faith, so again, we have to focus on the unseen realities of this world. If we budget God in, then we have no faith or trust. It’s an extreme way of living, but it is the only way to live. It brings you into relationship with our living God, and you will then see miracles and major transformation in your life! So when God asks you to give a car he provided for you, then you give the car with great expectation that God will fill and meet that or some other need in your life in an amazing and miraculous way! God is AWESOME, and when you exercise faith, he will never let you down! Exercising your faith is like working a muscle, it is so hard and can even hurt at first, but the more and longer you do it, the stronger that muscle grows, until before you know it, you wouldn’t ever live back in a spirit of poverty again. Do you see where that forces you into a trusting and faith building relationship with God? I’m telling you that it is in all reality a truly exciting and amazing way to live because you get to witness miracles in your life, and if you aren’t witnessing miracles in your life, then you aren’t living and operating in faith! And it is ok to give with expectation of receiving, because when you come to God with great expectation, you are expecting him to fulfill his promises and to be working on his half of the relationship, and trust me, he will never let you down. He always fulfills his promises!

I don’t really know how I got into all that, but I think the original point was that we are to be living in relationship with God and putting our faith and trust into those things that are unseen. I’ve finally come to a place in being here of completely laying my life down, to the very best of my ability, dying to myself and what I want, so that God can come in and take over what He wants to do with my life. Christians are so resistant, so he is forced into slowly stripping away those things from us because we are clinging on so tightly to our needs, wants, plans, and rights so it becomes this slow process of change because God is working on his end of the deal, he is working in his end of the relationship, but we are not working in ours. So instead of God having to force us into a spirit of humility and brokenness, we all need to come to him humbled in knowing that we have no idea what is best for our lives. That’s why so many have to finally hit a place of rock bottom before they come into relationship with God, because God can only work in those who are humbled and broken, because it is only then that we are fully willing to die to ourselves and give our all to God. When pride and selfishness is working in us, then we are absolutely incapable of listening to God, so God has to bring us to our knees in humility so that we may finally seek his face and want to come to him knowing we don’t know anything about this world and what is best for us. Isn’t that so good?? That God, in all of his love for us, strips us bare and brings us to a place of humility and brokenness so that we may finally know him, love him, and long to be in relationship with him? Isn’t that the most loving thing that he can do? Thank you Jesus that in all of your love for me that you brought me to this humble place!! He truly does use the fools of this world, because every person that worships worldly wisdom and money and every other worldly god has no humility. Any time that we trust in ourselves and our own capability, we are in a very bad place because we are telling ourselves that we don’t need God. We are to trust in God and God alone. We are to never trust in false idols, such as money, or in ourselves and our abilities because then we are not trusting God!

Wow, I didn’t expect to get into all that. I hope that is ok. I guess to finish off, I am in a good place, and I’m finally dying to myself and letting God in to work through me by the power that is at work within me. I’m experiencing Jesus being activated and coming alive within me, so that he lives through me. I have found that that is truly the only way to come to a place of fulfillment, worth, and identity. In dying to myself, I’m no longer worried about what others think of me and whether they judge me or not because I have died to my insecurities and rights to being known and understood. I don’t need to be understood anymore. I don’t need to feel important anymore, because what is truly important is my relationship with God and his working through me. Everything else just seems to fall in place after that. It is a wonderful feeling. It is beyond awesome to get your vision off of this cruel, ugly world and instead on to Jesus and his kingdom, because nothing is more beautiful than that. Nothing fills me with more love than staring up into heaven at my Father. Good is soooooooooo GOOD, and soooooooooooooooo LOVING!! I can’t express that enough!!! I love you guys so much, and mean that from the bottom of my heart!

Kels

Update

Hey guys!

So I have an update on my progress. I don’t even know where to start because so much has happened already since my last letter! The only place I know where to begin is in saying God is SO GOOD! The more I get to know him, the more I fall madly in love with him. He is so different than what I've always thought he looked like, and that only feels like a tiny drop of revelation. The head knowledge of him being good is finally turning into heart knowledge, and I can’t even begin to tell you the level of freedom that brings! The analogy of being lifted up on wings like eagles is coming alive in my life, and I long for not only God’s church to come into this freedom, but the whole world! This is my heart’s greatest desire now, to bring the world out of bondage of our enemy, glory be to God!

I’ll try to start where this all began. Tuesday was such a rough day for me. This week we’ve been talking about discipleship, and our teacher was doing the “break-down” part of discipleship before getting into the “build-up.” In a nutshell (perhaps walnut size =) ) everyone in Christ’s church is called into discipleship, EVERYONE! Jesus told his disciples to go and make more disciples, not Christians! Everyone person in the early church was a disciple of Christ, but that early, raw system of belief got watered down through the ages with false religions and philosophies being intertwined and “married” into it (maybe that’s how denominations got started?), so the original church of Christ lost its authenticity throughout the generations. So all this offspring, or every branch, of the early church got coined under the same label of Christianity. Ok, so anyhoo.. Christianity looks different in every person now, doesn’t it? Back to the point, we are all called to be Disciples of Christ, and in the beginning of this beautiful relationship, the process looks very similar in every person.

The breakdown of Discipleship that we were learning about on Tuesday was this: I am called to fully surrender my all to Christ. I am called to lose myself, to die to myself, to completely throw every aspect of who I am and every element that makes up my whole life to God. We are called to completely surrender all, that is our personalities, our gifts and talents, our every single relationship, our jobs, our careers or callings, our personal belongings, our money, our countries, our homes, our security and comfort, our hearts’ desires and longings, our decisions, our future, our now, our EVERYTHING, we are called to surrender everything to God. How is that even possible!? What does that even look like?? Tuesday I had to process all these emotions. I have to surrender my all, completely die to myself and who I am, give it all over to God, and fully trust this intangible being to build my life back up again? I am called to follow Jesus wherever it is he may take me? I am called to drop all my plans for myself and trust him to come through with a better plan? What STRESS CASE CITY!! Uh!!!! So on top of all of that, Jesus expects me to come to a place of losing all fear of man and do things like evangelism? To “fear” him more than other people? No thank you! Why isn’t that set aside for only special, overly-obsessed people like Paul, Peter, and John the Baptist? That’s not what I want for my life, that’s not who I am God, so thanks but no thanks! Why can’t I have a normal life, and go back to my family and friends? Why can’t I make decisions and plans for myself, and have a normal career with a normal family and just live a happy, normal, non overly-obsessive life. That was sounding so good; home sounded good, normalcy sounded real good.. so basically, God, leave me alone! YWAM, leave me alone! I’m ready to just start over on my own again.

Yeah, so that is what I was learning in school. That was the life that I was seeing in other people around me, in the speakers and such. That was the life that I knew God was calling me to, and all I could ask was, “Why God? Why me??” I didn’t want it. So, Tuesday was a hard day to say the least. I started to have daydreams of going home, back to my life that I was living, even though I knew I didn’t want that strangely enough.

I woke up Wednesday feeling renewed and refreshed. I thought it was odd, but I was thankful nonetheless. Going to lecture the speaker started out wanting to talk to us about how hard this all is. He said that every time he speaks about discipleship, God kicks his ass (butt =) ) all over the place. He promised that this life is not easy, that it is really hard, but that he wouldn’t choose to live life any other way even if he could. Now starts the rebuilding process of discipleship. Jeremy stated it like this, “God wants us to stop clinging to the pile of crap that is in our arms and instead discard of it so that he could refill our arms with treasure.” So basically, God wants us to trust him with our whole lives. He wants us to give everything up to him so that he can then filter back to us the things that are good, the things that are from him, and filter out the crap (sin) that we've brought into our own lives that are actually slowly killing us (there is also something to be said for personal responsibility that we take on, such as children, but that is another topic I’d love to talk about with anybody). At the end of lecture, Jeremy put on the nooma video Dust by Rob Bell, which is probably my favorite one by far. It’s about discipleship and it is soooooo good! God was just speaking to me throughout the whole video and I couldn’t help but weep in front of the whole class. In it God was saying, “Kellie, I’m not making you do this. I didn’t choose this life for you because it is the right thing to do. I didn’t choose this life for you because I’m controlling and you need to perform for me. I didn’t choose this life for you because I expect you to be obedient to my word. I called you into this life because I love you, I have faith in you, and I trust you. I know you can be just like me.” Oh man, how my heart leapt inside of my chest! See God chose the fools of the world to put to shame worldly wisdom. Jesus chose young men who were considered the least of the Jews to come follow him. The best, of the best, of the best became Pharisees and teachers of the law, and they were the only group that Jesus was constantly butting heads with. In the final work of the cross, Jesus’ disciples were the ones to step up and became like Christ, beginning the church and making followers of Christ. So you don’t have to be the most educated, you don’t have to be the most respected, you don’t have to have your whole life put together, and you don’t have to be perfect. Where does God get glory in any of those things? Why do you even need God if you are all put together, rich, powerful, and wise? God uses people in a humble state, those who need him, to do his work. That’s me! I’m the fool, and frankly, so are you! YAY!

A huge revelation that has come is that yes, I have made Christ my savior, but I never made him Lord. I think that is a problem at large in the American church today, a problem that I am totally guilty of. I do believe that I have been forgiven at salvation, but I didn’t trust him to be Lord of my life. See, now I like to look at my life as my kingdom, and I have been ruler of my kingdom sitting in power over all on the thrown. What has that looked like? Crap, my life has been crap. Everything I do with my own power and strength just turns to crap. So here comes Jesus trying to overthrow me. He has been trying to take over my throne and become the Lord of my life, and I have been resisting him, pushing him out of the seat because I don’t trust him in doing what is best for my kingdom; actually, I don’t trust him to bring me happiness and fulfillment, so I make my own plans. So as soon as Jesus entered my life as savior, there has been a power struggle for my kingdom, for my life, and that’s why nothing worked that I did. See, Christ being my savior without being my Lord has resulted in cheap grace. God’s not content with that.

So God wants me to come into intimate relationship with him and clearly hear his voice. God wants me to fully trust him and kick out all the crutches and plans that keep me from needing him. In turn he wants to give me a better life than the one I've made for myself. He wants to give me bigger dreams and more fulfillment than I could ever find on my own. Jesus wants me to know that I have what it takes to be just like him, by the power that lies within me from his finished work on the cross, and to even do greater things than what he even did. Read the gospel, it's all there. The gospel isn't some far fetched fairy tale. It's not just meant to be interpreted; it's meant to be lived out and experienced! He wants this for his whole church. Could you imagine what this world would look like if every "Christian" was truly dying to themselves and letting Jesus live through them? I don't think this dream is far off. God is speaking to his church right now, and it is all awakening from a deep slumber. The last thing this world needs is more counterfeit Christianity. Hasn't Christianity caused enough damage to the world? Don't we already have enough blood and judgment on our hands? Let's get out of being lukewarm and find truth!

I hope you know I'm preaching to myself here, and that everything I say is always aimed mostly at me! I really don't believe I'm over the top, crazy, or far off in some ditch. I think I'm just hopping on board with what God is already doing, I'm trying to move with him, and I can only hope this rings true in your soul. All I really know is that I don't want a mediocre life, I want an extravagant one, and trust me, God is not boring like most Christians and even non-Christians I know.. If anyone marches to the beat of a different drum, it's Him! He is unpredictable and enormous beyond measure!! I'm excited!!!

Seriously, this has been just scraping the tip of the iceberg of what’s been going on inside of me. I feel if I write any more it would just be too much, and too long. I’ve been scratching my head just trying to figure out what to say. I do want to say that I’m a work in progress right now, so I could only hope that any BS I’m putting out there will just fall through, and what is truth will stick with you. Please continue to pray for me, especially in the area of value. I know inside things getting better, but I’m still far, far away from where I want to be. Please if any of you have any questions or want to talk to me or challenge me about anything at all, I'm here. I probably won't have the right answer, but I will listen to your every word and give you my best. I love you guys so much!

Kell

After years of silence...

“After years of silence that won’t let a heart open, there is love.”

This is a line I heard just minutes ago from a song about the brokenness of this world, yet there is still love. It’s an excellent song, but this particular line hit me hard and brought tears to my eyes. By the end of the song I was sobbing. This line, “After years of silence that won’t let a heart open” seemed to encapsulate my brokenness up to this day. I’ve had horrible issues and turmoil within myself in dealing with my worth, identity, and value. I have felt unwanted, worthless, without important opinion, and pushed aside, like my life doesn’t matter in this world. To make it even worse, it seems as God was at the very base of the source of this pain.

Growing up, I knew I came at a time that was inconvenient to say the least. I was very lonely as a child. Most of my memories are of me playing in my playroom. Maybe that is why I have never had a problem with materialism; material objects never satisfied; I longed for relationship. When I did come out of the playroom, I was scared of creating waves in the house. I was scared I was going to do something wrong. I was terrified that I was going to set my dad off into a very dark mood; I had to walk on eggshells around him all the time. A lot of the time, coming out of the playroom just wasn’t even an option. Mom and dad were also absent, working to start a business and run it on their own. I have the most memories of my babysitter Donna growing up, far off in some other place in the house cleaning. Yeah, I felt very alone growing up, with a few special friends and siblings that were way too old for me to relate to on any level. On top of all this, God (dad too) was angry. If I screwed up, my worth went down in value. He only seemed to be pleased if I was a good little girl. God was also confining and restricting. I think my little heart always knew that there was a bigger truth out there. I don’t blame my upbringing or anyone in it for my brokenness, because I know that I am responsible for me now, plus so much has changed. I just need to understand why I am the way that I am, and the place where that always starts is your childhood.

So growing up I never had much to say. I had a big family and strong-minded, opinionated sisters always shining in the foreground. I was the baby without opinion. I grew up in the shadows of my sisters, at least that’s how I felt. I know my needs and wants were always met, to an extent of even jealousy, but that was not important to me, at least not looking back now it wasn’t. All my years I stayed silent. Only few got the key to open my heart to see me for who I fully am. I’ve been told by a close friend that I’m much like an onion (the irony!) with many layers to peel back to finally get to see the full picture of Kellie. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to have social anxiety. I want to feel free to not care and be fully me at all times! But something has been lacking. I don’t have that freedom. I have a closed heart. I’ve known that I’ve had these worth, identity, and value issues. I’ve known that it’s been a big black hole inside of me. I’ve tried to fill that hole with everything imaginable, mostly through the approval of the guys in my relationships. I thought if they valued me, then I must have worth. That’s so simple, so tangible. I never wanted to trust God in filling that black hole, at least not the god of my upbringing. Even all the way up to this DTS, I’ve been chasing everything that gave me a sense of worth, but God in all his goodness has been chasing after me, blocking off all my pursuits to bring me back to him, a humbled and broken mess.

Here is some scripture from Hosea that has been on my heart since I’ve gotten here:

“Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband at first, for then I was better off than now.’ “

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards… There she will sing as in the days of her youth… ‘In that day,’ declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master,’ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked… I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

So what can I say? I’ve been blocked off by thorn bushes from my pursuit of other lovers (which takes on many shapes and forms) and I’m back to my God, finally! The only difference is that my God now looks A LOT different than the one I used to know. Now I see that the only place, or person, that I can turn to for my worth, for my value, and for my identity is Jesus. He is the only one that can fill that hole inside me. He is the only one who can satisfy that place in my heart. He is the only one that can open my heart fully again!

I’m writing you all to update you on my progress, and to truly ask you all to please pray that God may fully open my heart again, not just around a few select people, but around everyone at all times. I long for that freedom! Do you guys have any idea how much that would radically change my life for the good? I can’t even possibly imagine, but I have full confidence that as I throw myself before the feet of Jesus in full submission and full trust in him, he will do this very work in me. Please keep me in your prayers! One thing that I’ve learned since I’ve been here is the power of our prayers! They are so strong, and they are an act of essential relationship with our creator. He longs for us to sit in the court room of heaven with him, throwing out what is on our minds and our hearts, each of us playing a major role in the very decisions he makes for this world! It’s our right as his children and as coheirs with Christ. I can’t wait to write to you all more on this subject, but for now, yes, please pray for me! I love you guys so much and have you in my prayers!

Tons of love!

Kellie