Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Continued 3am Meditations.. or Delirium
Love. The fulfillment of the Law is wrapped up in one thing alone, and that is love. Jesus leaves us with one command that is the greatest of them all: Love God, and love others as yourself. That’s it. If our full battle lies in putting all our faith, hope, and trust in Jesus, that we may witness his power that increases our faith (which faith alone pleases God) then what is left but to love? It seems simple enough, that is until I look at 1 Corinthians 13’s definition of love. I’ve determined that it is impossible to truly love unless it comes from a place of overflow of direct relationship with God. God is holy, and by that I mean GOOD! He is set apart, unlike any other, and as we are in touch with goodness in our lives, we fill up to the point of overflow. How hard is it to love when we are in need and life is handing us lemons? If we have eyes of faith and know the truth in our hearts that God is good, despite our circumstances, then we can have joy in the midst of our suffering, making it again easier to make the choice to love.
I love the fact that our battle isn't here on earth. That is, not with flesh and blood. “It is against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.” (Ephesians 6:12) Jesus said all who are heavy laden, come to him so he can give us rest. He carries our burdens for us, and our only job is to give them to him, that he may give us peace and rest that surpasses all understanding. Do we have the faith it takes to give him our battles we take on as our own, that we believe is our own responsibility to carry, or do we have enough trust in him to carry our burdens and go to war for us? Do we know how good he truly is? How much he truly loves us?
One of my favorite truths about God is that he is our defender. We don’t have to try and explain ourselves, to prove we are right, or make other’s understand our hearts and who we are. We don’t have to engage that battle. Jesus is our defender, and he will reveal the truth in his own perfect way, in his very perfect timing. I leave that battle for him to fight for me. Maybe the truth will be on the shores of eternity, that is a promise from God, but I choose rest in that promise. I guess the revelation that we need is God is good, he is light, and in him is no darkness at all. Do we truly know God for who he is? Do we know his many names? Do we know everything he longs to be for us, if only we would let him love us. I believe we can only truly love, a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, to the same measure as we first know he loves us. We need a greater revelation of his love for us. We need a greater revelation of who he is, his character, his nature, and what it means that he is holy, that there is no other like him. If we set our gaze upon his holiness, we fall in love and become overwhelmed with his beauty because we realize how God truly is, and only then are we transformed into his image.. desperate and longing to be as beautiful as our God! Not by striving. Not through dead works. Not by people pleasing. Not by trying to fit into a mold. Not by trying to make ourselves change. But by sitting with him, gazing at his beauty, and soaking in his great love for us. This is the true power of worship. Not only is he getting the love that he deserves, but we get in touch with his divine nature, and become transformed by the truth of his beauty, and who he is in our lives. Thank you God that you are GOOD, ALL THE TIME!!!
Rainy Day Meditations
We are the Lord’s army. If it’s honorable to lay down your life for the sake of your own country, how much more honorable is it to lay down your life for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven? We don’t belong to this world, but our citizenship is in heavenly places. We are citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven. If we believe what the bible says is true, we will believe this truth with all our hearts. Jesus did not promise us prosperity, wealth, complete health, protection from any and all harm, including suffering, or even that everyone will like us, but in fact, he promised us trial, tribulation, persecution, suffering, and that the world will hate us, as the world hated him first. It’s time to align the truth of the gospel with our own lives. The church is in need of a great adjustment. We don’t live for what the world offers today, for these things are passing away, but instead we live for the sake of eternity. Our life is but a breath to God. How are our lives making eternal impact? How are our lives going to uniquely mark eternity? I pray for that revelation for all of us! Where do our treasures lie? Are we storing them up here on earth, or in heavenly places? For wherever our treasures lie, there our heart will be also. As this is true, I know what else is also true. The fullness of our joy is made complete only in Jesus. It’s time to draw that line in the sand. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. There is no other way but through him alone.
If we come to believe and trust in Jesus alone, the call on our lives will be made clear. If we answer the call on our lives, how truly great will our lives be!? Jesus is the only one who makes our lives whole. As an overflow of his love, he created us, and created the very desires and longings in our hearts, and only through him, through his sovereignty in our lives, and through our willingness and obedience to his will, will we be made whole. He alone gives us the desires of our hearts; he alone fulfills us, for he alone knows us as we were being knit together in our mother’s womb. He alone knows what he was thinking when he made us. Who else holds the answer? Who else knows us better than we know ourselves? Who else has the vision for the fulfillment of who we were created to be? His ways are higher than our ways, so it requires our trust in him alone for the fulfillment of who we were created to be. We discover our identity is only realized through him. Good luck figuring it out on our own. That is an exhausting process. In Jesus, we get to rest and trust in his great love for us, and his sovereignty in our lives for the realization of our identities, so our full battle lies in resting in his love, learning to trust him and grow in our faith in him, who alone is responsible for our outcome, as long as we choose to put all our faith, hope, and trust in him. Fear of the Lord is stepping outside that place of rest; stepping outside the center of his heart. Lord, never let me walk away from your covering!! Jesus alone brings the fulfillment of the desires placed in our hearts. He alone conceives and brings life to those desires, as we rest in him. As we put all our faith and trust in him. Our impatience and striving produce Ishmaels, but he alone conceives Isaacs in our lives, bringing to fulfillment the great promises over our lives. Again, Jesus alone is the fullness of our joy! Our joy is only made complete in him and him alone!! He alone is the fulfillment of more than we could ever dream or imagine!!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Arco Iris 1 - Salama!
I have officially arrived at Arco Iris in Pemba, Mozambique! While flying in and driving into the base, I was stunned by the absolute beauty of this continent that is nowhere close to anything else I’ve ever seen! It’s truly wild and exotic, and MASSIVE! Sunrises and sunsets paint the skies with the most brilliant shades of orange, yellow, pink, blue, and purple. The midnight sky is vast, where the moon and stars seem to have grown larger with the expansion of the sky. The roofs of the huts were an assortment of blue and turquoise that matched the shades of the ocean near by. Palm and baobab trees dominate the green plant-life, while the earth itself is red dirt. To top it all off, the whole scene is littered with exotic flowers of every shape and color.
Arco Iris’s base is located just on the outside of the heart of the relatively large city of Pemba. It’s directly across the street from the Indian Ocean, and is in easy walking distance of nearby villages and baraccas (small hut shops). There is a constant cool breeze blowing inland that makes the summer days bearable, and nights absolute perfection. The base itself is so beautiful that everyone has been commenting on how it feels like we are living on a movie set. There are planted gardens with fruit trees surrounding our terra-cotta colored student houses, as well as a few friendly dogs, cats, and even kittens. Hammocks are hanging on the front and back porches of the student houses, as well as African beds. The beauty so captivated me, I felt like I finally reached my 10 week vacation destination for the year.
As stunning as Mozambique is, so far it has had it’s fair share of both challenges and dreams come true. Each student house (like the one I’m in) is shared by about 13 to 14 girls with two bathrooms. Upon my arrival I noticed we had a house toilet pet (a GINORMOUS roach peeking it’s head out just above water level), making using the bathroom unnerving. I don’t like the feeling of being watched, especially from the angle from the inside of the toilet.
So far we’ve been without running water for all but 2 days of our school in the past 2 weeks. Luckily, we have had the water come back on for about 30 minutes a few times, just long enough to fill our house reserves and used water bottles for use of bucket bathing, washing dishes, washing hands, etc. Of coarse with no running water, that means no showers, and even worse, no toilets. It’s challenging enough using the toilets here, constantly having to remember that you can’t flush even toilet paper at any time without clogging the entire over-sensi system, and when you do forget, having to pick bamboo to fish it out to dispose in a small waste bin in each bathroom, but now even worse is that we’ve been using latrines instead of toilets, which are about a 5 to 10 minute walk up the hill next to the student hut. Some get lazy or can’t make it, leaving our house smelling like a couple of hot portapotties until the toilets can be flushed again. The latrines are a tragic experience for most westerners. I never knew that a “poop stick” really existed until now, and I never would have imagined that I would ever have to step on many others’ smeared poo while pushing my own down a hole as flies buzz all around me with fury out of their excitement of their new food offering, aggressively possessing it before it even fully exits my body! It’s like you’re being forced out of their home before ever getting a chance to wipe! RUDE!! Gross. Sorry. Truth is that no missionary trip is complete until there has been a good bathroom story or two. My friend was using the latrine, concentrating on breathing through his mouth so he wouldn’t have to smell the hot stink, when a fly came up out the latrine hole and flew directly into his mouth and down his throat upon an inhale.. BAH! Did I mention that a germ-a-phoebe could never EVER make it here? (that would be you Katie)
Other challenges include no air conditioning, sweating from being wrapped in hot stagnate air at night, sleeping under mosquito nets, taking expensive malaria meds every day, overall unsanitary conditions everywhere you go, worms that get in your feet that have to be cut and squeezed out, along with their eggs before they multiply and get in your bloodstream (very common), bedbugs in the houses, falling in through my bunk bed, living out of my luggage, rice and beans and beans and rice for food EVERY DAY, produce grown in human feces, heat exhaustion, jellyfish stings, extreme poverty, lack of bottled drinking water, lack of just about every creature comfort, no constant steam of phone or internet, villagers constantly begging for anything and everything, including the dinner just set before you in a restaurant, sharing everything you possess that hasn’t already disappeared, language barriers, an overall hatred of westerners from the locals, and everything being at least 3 times as hard as well as taking 3 times as long here, especially customer service.. just to name a a bit. Here it’s proper to say that one really has to learn to die to his or herself in order to survive the full 10 weeks, but with all that being said, my inner-hippie is really thriving here!
It’s an incredible feeling waking up in a new place where you almost feel more at home than your own home. It’s like I almost make more sense to myself here than I do back there, excluding my fair skin, blonde hair, and green eyes. My heart is thriving, and I feel freedom in this place. I’m being dared to dream, and challenged to die as I cling to Jesus with every bit of strength I have. He is my everything right now. Intimacy with Him is top priority here, and the waves of refreshment to my soul have already begun, like parched land dying for a drink of water. Funny thing is that I never knew how thirsty I was in the first place, and it took something as drastic as being stripped bare from my long list of distractions and business back home that take over my life to make me see it. My heart had also died in many areas, and my loving King is reviving my passions and desires. I’m so thankful for this place.
School has begun, and our practical missions is under way. I’d love to talk more about that later, but for now I’ll leave off with this..
“A king rules to promote righteousness; rulers govern to promote justice, each like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in a wasteland, like the shade of a massive cliff in a worn out land. Then the eyes of those who can see will no longer be blind, the ears of those who can hear will listen, the minds of the rash will comprehend...” Isaiah 32: 1-4
This place, Arco Iris, is water in a wasteland, a wasteland filled with a beautiful and precious people, and a mostly beautiful culture with so much potential. The nation has been ravaged by death, sickness, extreme poverty, hunger, thirst, religion, witchcraft, and extreme injustice that chokes out the abundance of LIFE that is freely offered to them. I don’t want this place to look like the west, God forbid!!! I do want to see a healthy, living, thriving, joyful, just, spirit filled nation called Mozambique! Here at Arco Iris I’m seeing the first-fruits. I’m watching the hungry get fed, the unloved and unlovable being loved, the sick recovering, the naked being clothed, orphans being adopted, widows and their children being supported, the broken-hearted full of joy dancing, and lives being transformed every day.
Here I like to say Iris is the full picture, the “wings and wheels.” Both the spiritual and practical are vital. Worship constantly permeates the air as those who call this home go about their daily business. The sick are prayed over, with ridiculous miracles being the norm, while they are also nurtured by a full time staff of missionary doctors and nurses at the hospital on our base. The hungry is being fed, but are even more excited for the presence of God. The abandoned dying are given homes, family, and education, but are even more eager to grow in the knowledge of God, and most choose to follow in the steps of the hero, Mama Aida, reaching out to their nation through their own passions and giftings. Nothing is ever forced here, it’s all voluntary, and I’m seeing an entire nation being turned completely upside down, slowly but surely.
This is church. Love is church. Family is church. Lives radically transformed is church. Joy is church. Doing life together is church. Serving is church. Living in your hearts passions in church. Living is church. Church is getting outside ourselves, even in an imperfect condition, and choosing to go out with the love of Christ, as we are first filled by living in intimacy with Him and trusting in Him for everything. We are the church, and the church is meant to look like water in a wasteland. Come on! It’s time to shine, so eyes can finally be opened, ears can hear, and minds can finally comprehend the love of Christ and the truth of our Gospel! We can’t sit around and wait any longer for God to move and change everything, and we definitely can’t blame Him for the condition of this world. He has given US all authority! He has chosen US to be His hands and feet, as we are led my Him and are in unity with His heart!! I’m facing this challenge every day, so please be in prayer for me if I’m on your mind. Much love to all mi familia!!
Kellie
Thursday, April 12, 2012
What are Your Strengths?
It all started with a simple test: What are Your Strengths? It was the key I needed to put in perspective an understanding of everything that I’ve been processing with the Lord in this season. As I was answering the questions, I quickly started to see how I’ve been more in tune with my personal weaknesses rather than strengths, even though I knew better. I hardly knew my strengths. It was refreshing to focus on them for once! I’ve tried to apply this principle in the past, but I realized that I’ve just fallen back into old habits and patterns.
It wasn’t long ago that I was reading Chris Vallotton’s book Spirit Wars. There was one chapter where he went deep into the work of the cross. I’ve heard many messages on this subject as a Christian, but this was a fresh perspective that I had never heard before. The cross clicked in my Spirit in a new way. The biggest revelation for me was about my past being a graveyard. I saw it in my mind for the first time. Here, all the past sins and mistakes that I’ve made were buried in the graveyard of my old nature before I truly met Christ for the first time, or before I was baptized in His Spirit, being made new. The best way to describe my experience was a rebirth. Despite being made new, I was constantly haunted by my dead self, and the demons of my past.
One night I realized that even my most recent sin and humiliation was too in that graveyard! It started in a conversation that I was having with a close friend where I was placed back into the middle of that circumstance. Old feelings that I had during that time started to resurface. I quickly became overwhelmed by the pain I was going through at that time, and the deep humiliation. My confidence plummeted, and my night took a turn, needing to go home and wanting to be by myself. I thought I needed more inner healing, or that I needed a fresh revelation of a bad root that was still stuck deep inside that brought about the mistake. On my drive home, I received the revelation, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I saw myself digging in a grave, and as I was digging, the death I experienced of that time in my life became real again, fully accompanied by all the old feelings and emotions that accompanied it. I was literally digging myself back into that grave, where heaps of the pain, humiliation, and guilt started to bury me alive. After seeing it, I saw how ridiculous it was! I stopped digging and moved forward into the victory I’ve been walking in since that time in my life!!
So, I’m not against inner healing or restoration at all, but I believe we can very easily get ourselves stuck in the graveyard of our past in an attempt to walk in new victory. Truth is, the cross took care of our past sin, before and after our salvation, and I trust Jesus to bring up healing where and when needed in his perfect timing. I’m moving on in victory with my new nature that he has given me, that is a slave to righteousness. Sinning now goes against the tide, so I’m turning my canoe around to flow in the rest of my relationship with God, carrying me forth into a world of fresh beginnings and the newness of life! When I mess up, it’s time to move forward in repentance and learn from my mistakes. This is the necessary transfer to the graveyard. So I’m keeping out of the graveyard of my past so I can finally move forward! I’m laying down the shovel in an attempt to find healing in that graveyard. No wonder I was feeling haunted! Graveyards are no place to dwell.
Another revelation: With a lifestyle of digging came false humility. My definition of false humility recently broadened. Bill Johnson once said, “Humility is not humiliation. Humility has strength to it.” He’s so right. The humility I knew was walking under the shame of my past. It was shame that kept me “humble” all these years. Truly, that constant underlying shame and guilt kept my self-esteem and confidence beat up, focusing me in on my weaknesses, but somehow this became twisted in my mind as good. Strangely, I didn’t struggle with this false humility as a non-believer. I walked in a greater level of the feeling of freedom and just learning from my mistakes when I rejected God altogether. It wasn’t until I became a Christian that I started to struggle with the shame and guilt again. I now understand that all true confidence, assurance, and self-worth come through relationship with Abba God, and that He wants me to be set completely free from shame and condemnation altogether! He is not the creator of shame and guilt, but instead He created confidence and self-worth, for He is the maker of everything that is good. He wants me to walk in confidence by the power of His Spirit living within me. He wants me to walk in the strengths of the identity that He has placed inside of me. True confidence is grounded in the revelation of being sons of God, walking in the authority of Jesus Christ. More importantly, our confidence is grounded in our sole dependency on Him, knowing what a good Father He truly is.
So now I come back full circle to personal strengths. I feel a new freedom to walk in the focus of my strengths, instead of my weaknesses, as I now look forward to what my future holds. I just couldn’t get a grip on living in the present and for the future while strapped to my past. My weaknesses become irrelevant as I discover the strength of the identity put within me. Focusing on my strengths will develop and grow my inner confidence, bringing forth the destiny and call that God has placed over my life! I dream to impact the world in a radical way, bringing healing to the brokenhearted and declaring freedom to the prisoners! I, for the first time, actually feel like a new person! Thank you Jesus for the joy, confidence, refreshed hope, and the new life that comes with power of the true work that you accomplished on the cross!! Jesus is the only way for me..
Kels
It wasn’t long ago that I was reading Chris Vallotton’s book Spirit Wars. There was one chapter where he went deep into the work of the cross. I’ve heard many messages on this subject as a Christian, but this was a fresh perspective that I had never heard before. The cross clicked in my Spirit in a new way. The biggest revelation for me was about my past being a graveyard. I saw it in my mind for the first time. Here, all the past sins and mistakes that I’ve made were buried in the graveyard of my old nature before I truly met Christ for the first time, or before I was baptized in His Spirit, being made new. The best way to describe my experience was a rebirth. Despite being made new, I was constantly haunted by my dead self, and the demons of my past.
One night I realized that even my most recent sin and humiliation was too in that graveyard! It started in a conversation that I was having with a close friend where I was placed back into the middle of that circumstance. Old feelings that I had during that time started to resurface. I quickly became overwhelmed by the pain I was going through at that time, and the deep humiliation. My confidence plummeted, and my night took a turn, needing to go home and wanting to be by myself. I thought I needed more inner healing, or that I needed a fresh revelation of a bad root that was still stuck deep inside that brought about the mistake. On my drive home, I received the revelation, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I saw myself digging in a grave, and as I was digging, the death I experienced of that time in my life became real again, fully accompanied by all the old feelings and emotions that accompanied it. I was literally digging myself back into that grave, where heaps of the pain, humiliation, and guilt started to bury me alive. After seeing it, I saw how ridiculous it was! I stopped digging and moved forward into the victory I’ve been walking in since that time in my life!!
So, I’m not against inner healing or restoration at all, but I believe we can very easily get ourselves stuck in the graveyard of our past in an attempt to walk in new victory. Truth is, the cross took care of our past sin, before and after our salvation, and I trust Jesus to bring up healing where and when needed in his perfect timing. I’m moving on in victory with my new nature that he has given me, that is a slave to righteousness. Sinning now goes against the tide, so I’m turning my canoe around to flow in the rest of my relationship with God, carrying me forth into a world of fresh beginnings and the newness of life! When I mess up, it’s time to move forward in repentance and learn from my mistakes. This is the necessary transfer to the graveyard. So I’m keeping out of the graveyard of my past so I can finally move forward! I’m laying down the shovel in an attempt to find healing in that graveyard. No wonder I was feeling haunted! Graveyards are no place to dwell.
Another revelation: With a lifestyle of digging came false humility. My definition of false humility recently broadened. Bill Johnson once said, “Humility is not humiliation. Humility has strength to it.” He’s so right. The humility I knew was walking under the shame of my past. It was shame that kept me “humble” all these years. Truly, that constant underlying shame and guilt kept my self-esteem and confidence beat up, focusing me in on my weaknesses, but somehow this became twisted in my mind as good. Strangely, I didn’t struggle with this false humility as a non-believer. I walked in a greater level of the feeling of freedom and just learning from my mistakes when I rejected God altogether. It wasn’t until I became a Christian that I started to struggle with the shame and guilt again. I now understand that all true confidence, assurance, and self-worth come through relationship with Abba God, and that He wants me to be set completely free from shame and condemnation altogether! He is not the creator of shame and guilt, but instead He created confidence and self-worth, for He is the maker of everything that is good. He wants me to walk in confidence by the power of His Spirit living within me. He wants me to walk in the strengths of the identity that He has placed inside of me. True confidence is grounded in the revelation of being sons of God, walking in the authority of Jesus Christ. More importantly, our confidence is grounded in our sole dependency on Him, knowing what a good Father He truly is.
So now I come back full circle to personal strengths. I feel a new freedom to walk in the focus of my strengths, instead of my weaknesses, as I now look forward to what my future holds. I just couldn’t get a grip on living in the present and for the future while strapped to my past. My weaknesses become irrelevant as I discover the strength of the identity put within me. Focusing on my strengths will develop and grow my inner confidence, bringing forth the destiny and call that God has placed over my life! I dream to impact the world in a radical way, bringing healing to the brokenhearted and declaring freedom to the prisoners! I, for the first time, actually feel like a new person! Thank you Jesus for the joy, confidence, refreshed hope, and the new life that comes with power of the true work that you accomplished on the cross!! Jesus is the only way for me..
Kels
Sunday, January 15, 2012
God is Love: My Testimony
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a pretty blonde princess was born named Kellie. She had wonderful parents who gave her everything her little heart desired, turning her into one spoiled, yet precious, little princess. As she grew older, she continued to bask in the glory of her favor, despite her dishonorable behavior, as she traveled all around the world, was granted the finest education, and got to choose her own destiny, even as it changed time, and time, and time again. As it stands today, it seems as though this little princess is finally growing up, with what looks like a bright future ahead, that is, if she ever finds her prince charming.. and this is how my story goes. Thank you for reading.
Okay, let's get real. Despite what may be popular belief, I have traveled a road that has been rocky at best, filled with the pain of rejection, loneliness, self-hatred, depression, addiction, painful consequences, guilt, and regret, just to name a few. In my eyes, my story has looked much more like that of the prodigal son. Let's just say, I never felt like the princess that so many seemed to perceive me as being.
I grew up in a Christian home in California, the youngest of 5, spending majority of my youth with my church community. All my immediate and extended family and friends were a very present and active part of my life. Holidays and birthdays were huge celebrations, and this grouping of many families all really enjoyed one another, like one enormous happy family. Even though the rules were tough, life as kid was good, no doubt.
The real trouble didn't begin until I got old enough to start asking questions. I'll never forget getting in an argument with a friend at school one day when I was in the seventh grade. She had the audacity to tell me that only the people that went to her church (denomination) were going to make it to heaven. I was so upset by what she said that I went home and told my mother her outrageous claim, and how "STUPID" it was! My mom had a look come over her face that I can't say that I'd seen until that day. She responded, "Well, honey, that's what our church believes too." I remember being blown away. How did I only now know this? Looking back, my mom never ingrained that in me growing up; she only finally said something when confronted. I still walked away thinking it was all stupid.
Our family went to church four times a week, and I remember the services being about 3 hours long. New questions just started to pop up all over the place. Questions as to whether there was a devil or not, or what would happen to my family if we only went to church three times, two times, or even one time per week. Would we make the bride? Let's just say that all I ever knew of God was that He was angry, VERY angry, like the big policeman in the sky, ready to strike as soon as I stepped out of line. I definitely grew up knowing the fear of the Lord, even though I never really knew the Lord. And what was the Holy Spirit? An experience down at the altar where a bunch of the church elders pray for you as a child, or as a newcomer, until you start speaking in tongues, and then you knew.. you got the gift. My relationship with the Holy Spirit started and stopped at the altar. I don't remember being taught much about Jesus, but more of what our church believes and what it doesn't believe, and what rules we had to follow. We were all as a church very "righteous" on the outside, while rotting to the core from within. Children were being molested by pedophiles that sat in church with them, and that hit home with my immediate family time, and time, and time again, yet the leadership of the church would do nothing about it, in full knowledge, but sweep it under the rug. Somehow, we, as a church body, were above the law. I'll spare many of the gruesome facts and details that was wearing my family down over time. Now that I look back, that church was our Lord and Savior, making decisions for us, and our responsibility was to follow the rules and standards set for us, and if we didn't follow those rules, or attend that church, well then we were "lost in the desert."
That's another thing I'll never forget, being told that my family and I were lost in the desert. At that point I was about 16. Those words came from my best friend growing up, as I already felt her pulling away. "Huh? Lost in the desert? What desert?" Apparently it was absurd to ask questions. I knew it wasn't only asking these surfacing questions that was bothering her. Times got tough with my family being there, and we were down to one service a week, in which I'd find a back row to sit with a boy. I was a real rebel. I believe my mom had checked out at that point, and my dad had quit going. Kudos to my sister who became angry with the status quo and walked away to look for a safe place to raise her children, all while being called a liar and demon possessed on her way out.
Finally, our family hit a breaking point as a whole, and we all stopped attending the church in which we were all raised, including my parents. This time of separation was my family's darkest years. I bloody verbal and legal war began that dragged on for years. Once you're out, it's only tough love from there. We were cut off from everyone, including our best friends and our own extended family. The pain of the rejection hit us all hard, never thinking such a divide would ever happen.
By this point I was in full rebellion, rebelling from the rules and hurt in never being free to express myself. I was over it all, and I didn't care anymore. I threw God away, figuring it would be better to burn in hell than continue a whole life of being afraid of Him.
I really started to get out there to gain my own knowledge and life experience of the world. I wanted to experiment and try everything. I started dating a guy who was more than happy to take my hand and show me the path to ultimate destruction. Partying became my priority, and my mom pulled me out of high school during my sophomore year. I NEVER listened to my parents. In fact, if they told me to do one thing, I'd pretty much do the opposite. I had no trust in them. They were at a complete loss as to what to do with me, so the tension in the household only grew.
Somehow, I managed to get back in school a year later and I was able to graduate on time. Despite my lifestyle, I still managed to do well in school. I went on to college after high school because it seemed like the next logical step to take, but the college life only added fuel to the fire, and my experimentation and frequency of long nights out reached an all-time high. Again, I found the wrong crowd, and dove deep into that world. But what I had intended for no good, dirty, playtime, God intended for my good.
I attended Belmont, a private Baptist school, so I had no choice but to take some religion courses. One of them was "World Religion." That seemed like the most livable class to take, as I was still open to finding truth, no matter its form. I started going to my new night class, and the professor was someone I'll never forget. He was there to talk about intimacy with God, and spirituality, despite the name of the class. In fact, we never had any work or homework to do but read. He only had us write one short paper for mid-term, and another for our final exam. This guy was different. He looked and smelled different than any other Christian I had ever encountered. He was overflowing with joy and love, and his words would ring in my heart. He was REAL, and hilarious, and his confession came from a place of love, not duty or obligation. He was so madly in love with God, and it showed. I would leave that class bawling my eyes out, calling my mom on the drive home, "Guess what he said this time mom!?!?" Ah, I fell in love with that man. We were supposed to write a short paper on a study of a different religion for our final, to satisfy those who came there to learn about such a thing, but I wrote about how he, my professor, had impacted my heart, and thanked him for "teaching" that class.. I got an A.
I knew God was actively pursuing me. He let me know in more ways than one. I was frustrated to say the least. This wasn't fitting the theology and experience of the God I knew, but I felt Him tugging on my heart constantly. I would refuse, and move on. He would seem to disappear for a while, only to return again and again. At one point I remember yelling at Him, "Why are you following me? WHAT do you want!? I don't even like you!!! Jeez!" I would yell this out loud in my home. I would never go back to such bondage.. no thanks.
One day my best friend found me in the hall of the arts building. "Do you want to go to Italy?" What? Now that one really threw me off guard, even for her. "Um, yeah. Duh." She came up with this preposterous idea that we could go study abroad in Florence together for the upcoming summer. "Yeah right!" I never thought in a million years that I would ever get a chance to do something so grandiose, but why not? "I'll ask my parents." I went into my parents little office area in their house, humbly and lovingly I'm sure, to drop the bomb, cringing, waiting for the sting of rejection. They responded to me with, "Let us think about it." Well, long story short, I got to go to Italy!! I couldn't believe that they were so stupid to trust me! ha
I had such a rush when I arrived. The new culture, the beautiful people, the aromas in the air, the depth of history, the taste of the peaches and gelato, the masterpieces of the Renaissance and quality of every last detail.. I was overwhelmed! My best friend and I got to go with my favorite professor as our guide, and I fell in love with a place and a people for the very first time. We were there to study painting and figure drawing, but I was ready to PLAY, and play we did, from day one.
Our professor would take us to his favorite places for short tours on our days off. As much as Jo and I hated being tied down to any group activity to be rounded up like cattle, we would go, determined to sulk and have our own mini-party at the back of the herd. One of our first stops he took us to was San Miniato. We crossed over the closest bridge to the outskirts of downtown Florence, and took a long hike up the Tuscan hills. The views of the city all the way up were beyond beautiful. We passed Michelangelo square where tourists and locals alike would gather and sit on the steps conveniently provided to celebrate nightly the sunsets with some drinks and applause. We climbed higher still, through a rose garden with many small ponds of coy fish and water lilies, until we reached the top, and there stood San Miniato.
The hike and view together were both quite literally breathtaking. It was one of those moments that I could not believe what my eyes were seeing. I've never seen the likes of such beauty. It felt as though we were in a different world: serene, quiet, and peaceful compared to the massive, buzzing city below. I already knew why this was my professor’s favorite place, and now it was mine too. We entered the humble cathedral; it was cool and dark inside. The smell in the air was sweet, and the frescoes on the wall were ancient and faded to the point of being hard to make out. I walked toward the back where the crypt was, and found an ancient monk sitting, praying in a pew. The presence of God fell on me thick like a blanket.. every sense completely overloaded. I didn't understand what I was feeling. All I knew to do was bow in a pew where the monk had just been praying, and I started to pray myself. To be honest, I don't even remember what I prayed, but I remember feeling extreme love, peace and joy fill by heart to overflowing! A grand sense of thankfulness for my life overwhelmed me. What was happening? Little did I know that God was flipping my whole world upside down in that moment, and I would never be the same. I didn't want to leave the building, but the reality of time soon weighed back in and I had to move on.
I felt different coming out then I felt going in. I started to ask myself, "What just happened in there?" Every burden that I was unknowingly carrying was lifted. I felt light, free, and HAPPY! What is this joy!? As crazy as this sounds, I felt like I could sense two angels around me, and I was like, "Hey buddies!" (Come to find out, they came in very useful for the rest of that trip). It was like I put on rose colored glasses, and everything was perfect! I was free to be myself, because all of the sudden I knew I was loved, and I loved myself. The only way I know how to describe it was I was baptized in LOVE. It didn't take long to understand that I was reborn in the place of the very beginnings of the Renaissance movement, the very word meaning rebirth. Oh how God knows my heart!!
This feeling didn't go away when I got back to where we were staying, or when I went to bed. I woke up with it and lived with it every day I was in Florence, Italy. I went from rejecting God to falling in love with Him. It's like my eyes were opened and I could see clearly for the first time. I loved everyone! I talked Jo's ear off about how awesome my family and friends were, and how they were all so special and unique. I loved every person I met. I was filled with life, and it overflowed to everyone around me. They probably thought I was insane, but I didn't care. I knew God loved me, just as I was, flaws and all, the whole package of me, and that He loved me in the midst of my sin.. I was so secure in His perfect love for me for the first time in my life. He loved me, and I loved Him, and that's all that mattered.
As the weeks wore on, I started to look back at my life in the States in a different light. I didn't want to go home. All I could see is the mess I made there, and the darkness that surrounded me, and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I was scared to go home. I knew I didn't have the strength to say no and pull myself out of my lifestyle. I knew that I would get sucked right back into the whirlpool of the friends I had made, and the chaos of the life I had established. I just wanted to stay in Italy to create a new life there, but I got on that plane, making sure I threw a proper tantrum the night before.
I came back home so determined to change. A friend set up a surprise coming home party for Jo and I, and it was the last thing I wanted to go do. I knew it would be a night that lasted until dawn, so in all my strength I told our friend “no”, that we weren't coming. His upset changed our minds, in turn upsetting me so much I wanted to throw my phone in the dog's water bowl, and seriously considered it. Long story short, once again, sure enough, I was weak and got sucked right back in.
Something had changed though. I was more depressed than ever. All my joy and fun was robbed. I didn't even enjoy that lifestyle anymore. It all became dead to me, and in fact, I despised it. I felt myself caught in a downward spiral. I was robbed, and I knew that it was all a result of the work that God had done in me. I felt His disciplinary hand on me, and I wasn't sure that I liked it. I couldn't get away with anything anymore. My relationships with my friends even changed. It seemed as though they were all turning on me, after 2+ years of what seemed like bliss with them. The pain of rejection stung even deeper this time. Severe consequences starting cutting in deep, and I hit a quick rock bottom. Even though I didn't know how to change myself, it didn't seem like I had much choice in the matter.
I started to retreat up to my parents’ house to get away from the madness. It became my safe place and refuge. In January of 2008, I started going to a church a friend of mine loved in Franklin, TN. I once again was overwhelmed by God's grace and love for me there. I really came to know Jesus as my Savior, and Grace Center quickly became my new favorite place. It wasn't long before I was feeling led to start a DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM (Youth with a Mission). After a good struggle with God as to whether I should leave my semi-settled life in Nashville or not, I finally took off for Pismo Beach, CA to start the school in January, 2009.
It was there that I came to know Jesus as Lord of my life. It didn't take me long after arrival to see that everything that I had built with my own hands was falling apart. My house that I had been building up to that point sucked. It was made of straw, and it was falling apart with severe foundational issues. I realized that my relationship with Him up to that point looked like a power struggle. I chose to step off the thrown of my life, to seat Him as King over me. I gave Him my life to do with it as He willed, that His will would be accomplished in my life and not my own. It was a hard decision, but I had faith that it was going to be the best decision I would ever make. He blew my house down in an instant, and started going deep, extracting my foundation to lay a new one. I had many crutches that I leaned on, and they all got wiped out. I knew He wanted to be my all, that He was jealous over my life, and that He wanted every part of me, so I surrendered myself completely over.
I had the incredible opportunity to travel to India and Thailand, working with several groups bringing justice to the oppressed, getting a peek into so many lives. These experiences marked me for life. I knew I'd never be the same. I was seeing into what felt like my inheritance and destiny. A new hope grew in my life stronger than I had ever experienced. I was ready to move to India to work in an orphanage, but once again, I came home.
I came home ready to go back out immediately. I was ready to pack my bags and head off to Mozambique to go to Harvest School with Iris Ministries. I applied, was accepted, and was sure I knew my life track. Apparently that was my plan, but not His. The funds didn't come through in time, and the door to Africa shut tight. Bummer. I thought I had failed.
God sure did have other plans for me alright. He opened a door. He opened the door to become a property manager right here in Nashville. Huh? Say what?? I actually wrote a recent blog about my transition from the mission fields to property management (http://kellielinder.blogspot.com/2012/01/love-of-diversity.html), so I dare not repeat that all over again. This is where I stand today, growing in character and in the ways of maturity and commitment, words I've never been very fond of in the recent past. My roots are digging deep in God here, so as the winds blow and the storms rage, He's training me how to stand fast, and not be shaken in my faith. My roots are truly deeper than they have ever been.
In September of 2011, Iris Ministries established its second base in the States right here in Nashville. I guess since I couldn't go to Iris, Iris came to me. God quickly introduced them to me as my tribe that I've been waiting for. I'm completely honest when I say that I am surrounded by my heroes in the faith, and I consider it such an honor and privilege to call them my family. When God fulfills a promise in your life, it’s beyond anything you could have ever obtained in your own strength. I've been working through my wounds of rejection with them, and they have been so patient with me. I've thought about running and hiding several times.. these people seem to see right through me, but they are teaching me to be transparent and vulnerable, and are pulling out everything that God has put in me.
As flawed as I still am (and will probably forever be), and as many stupid mistakes that I still make (and will continue to make), I have never been more free to be myself, in full abandonment without fear, as the Lover of my soul, Who is passionate about my heart, proves His perfect love for me. It's a love that causes me to blossom and grow. I am so in love with Him, because He first loved me. I don't deserve His goodness. I never even asked for Him to come rescue me! Here is a perfect quote from Furious Love that really gets across the power of His love:
[And I watch that over, and over and over in people’s lives where they go “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child or, all the crazy stories we hear, and they go “that’s God’s fault, I blame God for that,” and they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you, I still care about you, and I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard, to not love Me back, because I, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom, and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you, I’m the male in this relationship, I’m the pursuer, and I love you way more than you love me, and you can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s gonna be to not love me.”]
-Kris Vallotton, Associate Pastor, Bethel Church, Redding, CA
If you've read this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading. I can only dream that my testimony may be even a shred of evidence of the goodness of God. I know my story is special, but it's not special at the same time, because He is no respecter of persons, and He has an amazing story to create with you. He is the author of our lives, able to write a grand story beyond our imaginations and wildest dreams! He is so GOOD!!
In closing, I am now happy to say that the relationships of my youth are being reestablished, slowly but surely. It's so good to see our extended family, and to start sharing our holidays together again. This is a true miracle, and when it comes down to it, love always wins. Thank you Abba!
Much love!
Kellie
Okay, let's get real. Despite what may be popular belief, I have traveled a road that has been rocky at best, filled with the pain of rejection, loneliness, self-hatred, depression, addiction, painful consequences, guilt, and regret, just to name a few. In my eyes, my story has looked much more like that of the prodigal son. Let's just say, I never felt like the princess that so many seemed to perceive me as being.
I grew up in a Christian home in California, the youngest of 5, spending majority of my youth with my church community. All my immediate and extended family and friends were a very present and active part of my life. Holidays and birthdays were huge celebrations, and this grouping of many families all really enjoyed one another, like one enormous happy family. Even though the rules were tough, life as kid was good, no doubt.
The real trouble didn't begin until I got old enough to start asking questions. I'll never forget getting in an argument with a friend at school one day when I was in the seventh grade. She had the audacity to tell me that only the people that went to her church (denomination) were going to make it to heaven. I was so upset by what she said that I went home and told my mother her outrageous claim, and how "STUPID" it was! My mom had a look come over her face that I can't say that I'd seen until that day. She responded, "Well, honey, that's what our church believes too." I remember being blown away. How did I only now know this? Looking back, my mom never ingrained that in me growing up; she only finally said something when confronted. I still walked away thinking it was all stupid.
Our family went to church four times a week, and I remember the services being about 3 hours long. New questions just started to pop up all over the place. Questions as to whether there was a devil or not, or what would happen to my family if we only went to church three times, two times, or even one time per week. Would we make the bride? Let's just say that all I ever knew of God was that He was angry, VERY angry, like the big policeman in the sky, ready to strike as soon as I stepped out of line. I definitely grew up knowing the fear of the Lord, even though I never really knew the Lord. And what was the Holy Spirit? An experience down at the altar where a bunch of the church elders pray for you as a child, or as a newcomer, until you start speaking in tongues, and then you knew.. you got the gift. My relationship with the Holy Spirit started and stopped at the altar. I don't remember being taught much about Jesus, but more of what our church believes and what it doesn't believe, and what rules we had to follow. We were all as a church very "righteous" on the outside, while rotting to the core from within. Children were being molested by pedophiles that sat in church with them, and that hit home with my immediate family time, and time, and time again, yet the leadership of the church would do nothing about it, in full knowledge, but sweep it under the rug. Somehow, we, as a church body, were above the law. I'll spare many of the gruesome facts and details that was wearing my family down over time. Now that I look back, that church was our Lord and Savior, making decisions for us, and our responsibility was to follow the rules and standards set for us, and if we didn't follow those rules, or attend that church, well then we were "lost in the desert."
That's another thing I'll never forget, being told that my family and I were lost in the desert. At that point I was about 16. Those words came from my best friend growing up, as I already felt her pulling away. "Huh? Lost in the desert? What desert?" Apparently it was absurd to ask questions. I knew it wasn't only asking these surfacing questions that was bothering her. Times got tough with my family being there, and we were down to one service a week, in which I'd find a back row to sit with a boy. I was a real rebel. I believe my mom had checked out at that point, and my dad had quit going. Kudos to my sister who became angry with the status quo and walked away to look for a safe place to raise her children, all while being called a liar and demon possessed on her way out.
Finally, our family hit a breaking point as a whole, and we all stopped attending the church in which we were all raised, including my parents. This time of separation was my family's darkest years. I bloody verbal and legal war began that dragged on for years. Once you're out, it's only tough love from there. We were cut off from everyone, including our best friends and our own extended family. The pain of the rejection hit us all hard, never thinking such a divide would ever happen.
By this point I was in full rebellion, rebelling from the rules and hurt in never being free to express myself. I was over it all, and I didn't care anymore. I threw God away, figuring it would be better to burn in hell than continue a whole life of being afraid of Him.
I really started to get out there to gain my own knowledge and life experience of the world. I wanted to experiment and try everything. I started dating a guy who was more than happy to take my hand and show me the path to ultimate destruction. Partying became my priority, and my mom pulled me out of high school during my sophomore year. I NEVER listened to my parents. In fact, if they told me to do one thing, I'd pretty much do the opposite. I had no trust in them. They were at a complete loss as to what to do with me, so the tension in the household only grew.
Somehow, I managed to get back in school a year later and I was able to graduate on time. Despite my lifestyle, I still managed to do well in school. I went on to college after high school because it seemed like the next logical step to take, but the college life only added fuel to the fire, and my experimentation and frequency of long nights out reached an all-time high. Again, I found the wrong crowd, and dove deep into that world. But what I had intended for no good, dirty, playtime, God intended for my good.
I attended Belmont, a private Baptist school, so I had no choice but to take some religion courses. One of them was "World Religion." That seemed like the most livable class to take, as I was still open to finding truth, no matter its form. I started going to my new night class, and the professor was someone I'll never forget. He was there to talk about intimacy with God, and spirituality, despite the name of the class. In fact, we never had any work or homework to do but read. He only had us write one short paper for mid-term, and another for our final exam. This guy was different. He looked and smelled different than any other Christian I had ever encountered. He was overflowing with joy and love, and his words would ring in my heart. He was REAL, and hilarious, and his confession came from a place of love, not duty or obligation. He was so madly in love with God, and it showed. I would leave that class bawling my eyes out, calling my mom on the drive home, "Guess what he said this time mom!?!?" Ah, I fell in love with that man. We were supposed to write a short paper on a study of a different religion for our final, to satisfy those who came there to learn about such a thing, but I wrote about how he, my professor, had impacted my heart, and thanked him for "teaching" that class.. I got an A.
I knew God was actively pursuing me. He let me know in more ways than one. I was frustrated to say the least. This wasn't fitting the theology and experience of the God I knew, but I felt Him tugging on my heart constantly. I would refuse, and move on. He would seem to disappear for a while, only to return again and again. At one point I remember yelling at Him, "Why are you following me? WHAT do you want!? I don't even like you!!! Jeez!" I would yell this out loud in my home. I would never go back to such bondage.. no thanks.
One day my best friend found me in the hall of the arts building. "Do you want to go to Italy?" What? Now that one really threw me off guard, even for her. "Um, yeah. Duh." She came up with this preposterous idea that we could go study abroad in Florence together for the upcoming summer. "Yeah right!" I never thought in a million years that I would ever get a chance to do something so grandiose, but why not? "I'll ask my parents." I went into my parents little office area in their house, humbly and lovingly I'm sure, to drop the bomb, cringing, waiting for the sting of rejection. They responded to me with, "Let us think about it." Well, long story short, I got to go to Italy!! I couldn't believe that they were so stupid to trust me! ha
I had such a rush when I arrived. The new culture, the beautiful people, the aromas in the air, the depth of history, the taste of the peaches and gelato, the masterpieces of the Renaissance and quality of every last detail.. I was overwhelmed! My best friend and I got to go with my favorite professor as our guide, and I fell in love with a place and a people for the very first time. We were there to study painting and figure drawing, but I was ready to PLAY, and play we did, from day one.
Our professor would take us to his favorite places for short tours on our days off. As much as Jo and I hated being tied down to any group activity to be rounded up like cattle, we would go, determined to sulk and have our own mini-party at the back of the herd. One of our first stops he took us to was San Miniato. We crossed over the closest bridge to the outskirts of downtown Florence, and took a long hike up the Tuscan hills. The views of the city all the way up were beyond beautiful. We passed Michelangelo square where tourists and locals alike would gather and sit on the steps conveniently provided to celebrate nightly the sunsets with some drinks and applause. We climbed higher still, through a rose garden with many small ponds of coy fish and water lilies, until we reached the top, and there stood San Miniato.
The hike and view together were both quite literally breathtaking. It was one of those moments that I could not believe what my eyes were seeing. I've never seen the likes of such beauty. It felt as though we were in a different world: serene, quiet, and peaceful compared to the massive, buzzing city below. I already knew why this was my professor’s favorite place, and now it was mine too. We entered the humble cathedral; it was cool and dark inside. The smell in the air was sweet, and the frescoes on the wall were ancient and faded to the point of being hard to make out. I walked toward the back where the crypt was, and found an ancient monk sitting, praying in a pew. The presence of God fell on me thick like a blanket.. every sense completely overloaded. I didn't understand what I was feeling. All I knew to do was bow in a pew where the monk had just been praying, and I started to pray myself. To be honest, I don't even remember what I prayed, but I remember feeling extreme love, peace and joy fill by heart to overflowing! A grand sense of thankfulness for my life overwhelmed me. What was happening? Little did I know that God was flipping my whole world upside down in that moment, and I would never be the same. I didn't want to leave the building, but the reality of time soon weighed back in and I had to move on.
I felt different coming out then I felt going in. I started to ask myself, "What just happened in there?" Every burden that I was unknowingly carrying was lifted. I felt light, free, and HAPPY! What is this joy!? As crazy as this sounds, I felt like I could sense two angels around me, and I was like, "Hey buddies!" (Come to find out, they came in very useful for the rest of that trip). It was like I put on rose colored glasses, and everything was perfect! I was free to be myself, because all of the sudden I knew I was loved, and I loved myself. The only way I know how to describe it was I was baptized in LOVE. It didn't take long to understand that I was reborn in the place of the very beginnings of the Renaissance movement, the very word meaning rebirth. Oh how God knows my heart!!
This feeling didn't go away when I got back to where we were staying, or when I went to bed. I woke up with it and lived with it every day I was in Florence, Italy. I went from rejecting God to falling in love with Him. It's like my eyes were opened and I could see clearly for the first time. I loved everyone! I talked Jo's ear off about how awesome my family and friends were, and how they were all so special and unique. I loved every person I met. I was filled with life, and it overflowed to everyone around me. They probably thought I was insane, but I didn't care. I knew God loved me, just as I was, flaws and all, the whole package of me, and that He loved me in the midst of my sin.. I was so secure in His perfect love for me for the first time in my life. He loved me, and I loved Him, and that's all that mattered.
As the weeks wore on, I started to look back at my life in the States in a different light. I didn't want to go home. All I could see is the mess I made there, and the darkness that surrounded me, and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I was scared to go home. I knew I didn't have the strength to say no and pull myself out of my lifestyle. I knew that I would get sucked right back into the whirlpool of the friends I had made, and the chaos of the life I had established. I just wanted to stay in Italy to create a new life there, but I got on that plane, making sure I threw a proper tantrum the night before.
I came back home so determined to change. A friend set up a surprise coming home party for Jo and I, and it was the last thing I wanted to go do. I knew it would be a night that lasted until dawn, so in all my strength I told our friend “no”, that we weren't coming. His upset changed our minds, in turn upsetting me so much I wanted to throw my phone in the dog's water bowl, and seriously considered it. Long story short, once again, sure enough, I was weak and got sucked right back in.
Something had changed though. I was more depressed than ever. All my joy and fun was robbed. I didn't even enjoy that lifestyle anymore. It all became dead to me, and in fact, I despised it. I felt myself caught in a downward spiral. I was robbed, and I knew that it was all a result of the work that God had done in me. I felt His disciplinary hand on me, and I wasn't sure that I liked it. I couldn't get away with anything anymore. My relationships with my friends even changed. It seemed as though they were all turning on me, after 2+ years of what seemed like bliss with them. The pain of rejection stung even deeper this time. Severe consequences starting cutting in deep, and I hit a quick rock bottom. Even though I didn't know how to change myself, it didn't seem like I had much choice in the matter.
I started to retreat up to my parents’ house to get away from the madness. It became my safe place and refuge. In January of 2008, I started going to a church a friend of mine loved in Franklin, TN. I once again was overwhelmed by God's grace and love for me there. I really came to know Jesus as my Savior, and Grace Center quickly became my new favorite place. It wasn't long before I was feeling led to start a DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM (Youth with a Mission). After a good struggle with God as to whether I should leave my semi-settled life in Nashville or not, I finally took off for Pismo Beach, CA to start the school in January, 2009.
It was there that I came to know Jesus as Lord of my life. It didn't take me long after arrival to see that everything that I had built with my own hands was falling apart. My house that I had been building up to that point sucked. It was made of straw, and it was falling apart with severe foundational issues. I realized that my relationship with Him up to that point looked like a power struggle. I chose to step off the thrown of my life, to seat Him as King over me. I gave Him my life to do with it as He willed, that His will would be accomplished in my life and not my own. It was a hard decision, but I had faith that it was going to be the best decision I would ever make. He blew my house down in an instant, and started going deep, extracting my foundation to lay a new one. I had many crutches that I leaned on, and they all got wiped out. I knew He wanted to be my all, that He was jealous over my life, and that He wanted every part of me, so I surrendered myself completely over.
I had the incredible opportunity to travel to India and Thailand, working with several groups bringing justice to the oppressed, getting a peek into so many lives. These experiences marked me for life. I knew I'd never be the same. I was seeing into what felt like my inheritance and destiny. A new hope grew in my life stronger than I had ever experienced. I was ready to move to India to work in an orphanage, but once again, I came home.
I came home ready to go back out immediately. I was ready to pack my bags and head off to Mozambique to go to Harvest School with Iris Ministries. I applied, was accepted, and was sure I knew my life track. Apparently that was my plan, but not His. The funds didn't come through in time, and the door to Africa shut tight. Bummer. I thought I had failed.
God sure did have other plans for me alright. He opened a door. He opened the door to become a property manager right here in Nashville. Huh? Say what?? I actually wrote a recent blog about my transition from the mission fields to property management (http://kellielinder.blogspot.com/2012/01/love-of-diversity.html), so I dare not repeat that all over again. This is where I stand today, growing in character and in the ways of maturity and commitment, words I've never been very fond of in the recent past. My roots are digging deep in God here, so as the winds blow and the storms rage, He's training me how to stand fast, and not be shaken in my faith. My roots are truly deeper than they have ever been.
In September of 2011, Iris Ministries established its second base in the States right here in Nashville. I guess since I couldn't go to Iris, Iris came to me. God quickly introduced them to me as my tribe that I've been waiting for. I'm completely honest when I say that I am surrounded by my heroes in the faith, and I consider it such an honor and privilege to call them my family. When God fulfills a promise in your life, it’s beyond anything you could have ever obtained in your own strength. I've been working through my wounds of rejection with them, and they have been so patient with me. I've thought about running and hiding several times.. these people seem to see right through me, but they are teaching me to be transparent and vulnerable, and are pulling out everything that God has put in me.
As flawed as I still am (and will probably forever be), and as many stupid mistakes that I still make (and will continue to make), I have never been more free to be myself, in full abandonment without fear, as the Lover of my soul, Who is passionate about my heart, proves His perfect love for me. It's a love that causes me to blossom and grow. I am so in love with Him, because He first loved me. I don't deserve His goodness. I never even asked for Him to come rescue me! Here is a perfect quote from Furious Love that really gets across the power of His love:
[And I watch that over, and over and over in people’s lives where they go “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child or, all the crazy stories we hear, and they go “that’s God’s fault, I blame God for that,” and they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you, I still care about you, and I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard, to not love Me back, because I, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom, and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you, I’m the male in this relationship, I’m the pursuer, and I love you way more than you love me, and you can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s gonna be to not love me.”]
-Kris Vallotton, Associate Pastor, Bethel Church, Redding, CA
If you've read this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading. I can only dream that my testimony may be even a shred of evidence of the goodness of God. I know my story is special, but it's not special at the same time, because He is no respecter of persons, and He has an amazing story to create with you. He is the author of our lives, able to write a grand story beyond our imaginations and wildest dreams! He is so GOOD!!
In closing, I am now happy to say that the relationships of my youth are being reestablished, slowly but surely. It's so good to see our extended family, and to start sharing our holidays together again. This is a true miracle, and when it comes down to it, love always wins. Thank you Abba!
Much love!
Kellie
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A Love of Diversity
What a privilege it is to be a property manager! I’ll never forget my interview with HR. My nerves were getting the best of me due to my obvious lack of experience going in, I’m sure, compared to all the other prospects that would be interviewed that week. I was by far the youngest person walking into that property management building at the age of 26. Sure enough, my lack of experience shined through, more like glared, as I was absolutely bombing the interview, sinking quicker than I knew how to patch my pride and regain my composure. I was wondering why I was so stupid to even give this a try. Why take such a risk!? It was a disaster!
Right when I was about to wave the white flag and walk out, apologizing for his wasted time, he asked the question: “How do you feel about the word diversity?” In that moment, my heart woke up and started to spill over. What an absolutely perfect question! My heart did the talking, passionately explaining about my absolute love of diversity. I spoke briefly about my mission trips and travels. Somehow we got off on the topic of personal passion that creates a drive that can’t be burned out. The atmosphere completely shifted in the room. The disposition of my interviewer calmed and relaxed, as did mine. Ease and rest came over both of us, and he opened up to me. First he gave me a funny look, stating how weird it was that he had just come from a lunch meeting that was educating managers on hiring different generations, and that the Y generation is no longer driven by longevity and commitment with one company, but by passion that comes from a place much deeper inside. He looked at me and said, “… and now here you are, a walking statistic. How funny.” Then he continued with complete transparency, letting me know how I was bombing the first half of my interview, and he was wondering what I was even doing there (from the minute I walked in the door), but how, in turn, this wound up being one of his most impactful interviews that he knows will always stick with him. Wow! Does that mean I have the job!? Long story short, I got the job.
Diversity. The very word that saved me. A word lodged so deep in my heart, that just hearing it revived me to life! As I sit here now at my property, over one year later, I have the privilege and honor to serve incoming Vanderbilt Grad students from all around the world. Now I understand the question. Will you be able to serve those who are not like you? Yes! YES PLEASE!! I knew the Lord was calling me to serve these, as a “good shepherd” over a “flock” that He has given me, or as a good house mom. How did I lose track so quickly?
Before I knew or recognized it, this job became more about my training and gaining experience. I became focused on every legal aspect, and how to run a business. I was jumping into new territory I hardly knew a thing about, and here I am, fully responsible for the productivity and well-being of this business. Learning and practicing boundaries was also of upmost importance. It was all a little overwhelming to think about, so I knew God had to be strong where I was weak. I’ve known all along He didn’t put me here to drown or fail! This whole assignment He had given me had His name written all over it. So, I lost track. I got off on some rabbit trail believing I was here to learn business and make a future in Real Estate. Somewhere, I had lost my heart, passion, and drive along the way.
Today I was reminded of that word, diversity. As great as it has been to learn business, to have a great job with a great title, to be in a position that has power, and to be well provided for, just over a year later, I had already lost my heart. I felt that old restless spirit rising up in me again. Somehow, I was kindly reminded of my interview that landed me here in the first place. “You are here because of your love for the nations.” Oh yeah! This job isn’t really so complicated after all! As soon as I focus on who is put in front of me, and how I can best serve that person and their needs, as soon as I lay down all my rights, position, and power to love and serve them with my full heart, everything else just seems to fall into place. I’m learning how to love here more than ever. God’s made it so easy for me by giving me those I naturally have a heart for. Becoming a house mom of over one hundred isn’t easy, especially living on-site. Sacrifice is required, and I haven’t been handling that very well thus far, but when I make love and servant hood of this diverse group of people who live here with me my primary focus above all else, my heart comes alive again.
I’m so madly in love with diversity! I love every skin color from white to black and everything in-between. I love the blending and mixing of cultures, as they all live in harmony. I love smelling the cooking of a different nation as I go from floor to floor. I love helping my residents learn American culture, as they come into my office and ask me how to write a check, or how to run the air conditioner. I’ve been there! I’ve been in new places, asking locals for help, and delighting in the ones who find it a joy to help show me the way. It was such a good reminder for me today as to why I am really here.
Man, in my heart of hearts, I desire and long for a sense of equality to overcome every individual, for them to see the beauty in diversity as I do! I know God’s heart rejoices at the sight of His diverse creation, and He is so well pleased with it! I hate any form of prejudice, cast system, or slavery. I long to see it all abolished on every side and in every heart of every individual. I want every person to come to the revelation of true kingdom reality, that we are all equally as beautiful in His sight. M.L.K. always was my hero from the time I was young, and now I’m starting to understand why. What is a young, white, single, American female supposed to do with such a heart and passion? What am I to do with such longings for justice within me? All I know at this point is to stop for the one, or one hundred, right here where God has strategically placed me today, to walk in the opposite spirit of the prejudice that I so hate, to be faithful with what I have here and now, and trust God with the rest.
Right when I was about to wave the white flag and walk out, apologizing for his wasted time, he asked the question: “How do you feel about the word diversity?” In that moment, my heart woke up and started to spill over. What an absolutely perfect question! My heart did the talking, passionately explaining about my absolute love of diversity. I spoke briefly about my mission trips and travels. Somehow we got off on the topic of personal passion that creates a drive that can’t be burned out. The atmosphere completely shifted in the room. The disposition of my interviewer calmed and relaxed, as did mine. Ease and rest came over both of us, and he opened up to me. First he gave me a funny look, stating how weird it was that he had just come from a lunch meeting that was educating managers on hiring different generations, and that the Y generation is no longer driven by longevity and commitment with one company, but by passion that comes from a place much deeper inside. He looked at me and said, “… and now here you are, a walking statistic. How funny.” Then he continued with complete transparency, letting me know how I was bombing the first half of my interview, and he was wondering what I was even doing there (from the minute I walked in the door), but how, in turn, this wound up being one of his most impactful interviews that he knows will always stick with him. Wow! Does that mean I have the job!? Long story short, I got the job.
Diversity. The very word that saved me. A word lodged so deep in my heart, that just hearing it revived me to life! As I sit here now at my property, over one year later, I have the privilege and honor to serve incoming Vanderbilt Grad students from all around the world. Now I understand the question. Will you be able to serve those who are not like you? Yes! YES PLEASE!! I knew the Lord was calling me to serve these, as a “good shepherd” over a “flock” that He has given me, or as a good house mom. How did I lose track so quickly?
Before I knew or recognized it, this job became more about my training and gaining experience. I became focused on every legal aspect, and how to run a business. I was jumping into new territory I hardly knew a thing about, and here I am, fully responsible for the productivity and well-being of this business. Learning and practicing boundaries was also of upmost importance. It was all a little overwhelming to think about, so I knew God had to be strong where I was weak. I’ve known all along He didn’t put me here to drown or fail! This whole assignment He had given me had His name written all over it. So, I lost track. I got off on some rabbit trail believing I was here to learn business and make a future in Real Estate. Somewhere, I had lost my heart, passion, and drive along the way.
Today I was reminded of that word, diversity. As great as it has been to learn business, to have a great job with a great title, to be in a position that has power, and to be well provided for, just over a year later, I had already lost my heart. I felt that old restless spirit rising up in me again. Somehow, I was kindly reminded of my interview that landed me here in the first place. “You are here because of your love for the nations.” Oh yeah! This job isn’t really so complicated after all! As soon as I focus on who is put in front of me, and how I can best serve that person and their needs, as soon as I lay down all my rights, position, and power to love and serve them with my full heart, everything else just seems to fall into place. I’m learning how to love here more than ever. God’s made it so easy for me by giving me those I naturally have a heart for. Becoming a house mom of over one hundred isn’t easy, especially living on-site. Sacrifice is required, and I haven’t been handling that very well thus far, but when I make love and servant hood of this diverse group of people who live here with me my primary focus above all else, my heart comes alive again.
I’m so madly in love with diversity! I love every skin color from white to black and everything in-between. I love the blending and mixing of cultures, as they all live in harmony. I love smelling the cooking of a different nation as I go from floor to floor. I love helping my residents learn American culture, as they come into my office and ask me how to write a check, or how to run the air conditioner. I’ve been there! I’ve been in new places, asking locals for help, and delighting in the ones who find it a joy to help show me the way. It was such a good reminder for me today as to why I am really here.
Man, in my heart of hearts, I desire and long for a sense of equality to overcome every individual, for them to see the beauty in diversity as I do! I know God’s heart rejoices at the sight of His diverse creation, and He is so well pleased with it! I hate any form of prejudice, cast system, or slavery. I long to see it all abolished on every side and in every heart of every individual. I want every person to come to the revelation of true kingdom reality, that we are all equally as beautiful in His sight. M.L.K. always was my hero from the time I was young, and now I’m starting to understand why. What is a young, white, single, American female supposed to do with such a heart and passion? What am I to do with such longings for justice within me? All I know at this point is to stop for the one, or one hundred, right here where God has strategically placed me today, to walk in the opposite spirit of the prejudice that I so hate, to be faithful with what I have here and now, and trust God with the rest.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
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