After years of silence...

“After years of silence that won’t let a heart open, there is love.”

This is a line I heard just minutes ago from a song about the brokenness of this world, yet there is still love. It’s an excellent song, but this particular line hit me hard and brought tears to my eyes. By the end of the song I was sobbing. This line, “After years of silence that won’t let a heart open” seemed to encapsulate my brokenness up to this day. I’ve had horrible issues and turmoil within myself in dealing with my worth, identity, and value. I have felt unwanted, worthless, without important opinion, and pushed aside, like my life doesn’t matter in this world. To make it even worse, it seems as God was at the very base of the source of this pain.

Growing up, I knew I came at a time that was inconvenient to say the least. I was very lonely as a child. Most of my memories are of me playing in my playroom. Maybe that is why I have never had a problem with materialism; material objects never satisfied; I longed for relationship. When I did come out of the playroom, I was scared of creating waves in the house. I was scared I was going to do something wrong. I was terrified that I was going to set my dad off into a very dark mood; I had to walk on eggshells around him all the time. A lot of the time, coming out of the playroom just wasn’t even an option. Mom and dad were also absent, working to start a business and run it on their own. I have the most memories of my babysitter Donna growing up, far off in some other place in the house cleaning. Yeah, I felt very alone growing up, with a few special friends and siblings that were way too old for me to relate to on any level. On top of all this, God (dad too) was angry. If I screwed up, my worth went down in value. He only seemed to be pleased if I was a good little girl. God was also confining and restricting. I think my little heart always knew that there was a bigger truth out there. I don’t blame my upbringing or anyone in it for my brokenness, because I know that I am responsible for me now, plus so much has changed. I just need to understand why I am the way that I am, and the place where that always starts is your childhood.

So growing up I never had much to say. I had a big family and strong-minded, opinionated sisters always shining in the foreground. I was the baby without opinion. I grew up in the shadows of my sisters, at least that’s how I felt. I know my needs and wants were always met, to an extent of even jealousy, but that was not important to me, at least not looking back now it wasn’t. All my years I stayed silent. Only few got the key to open my heart to see me for who I fully am. I’ve been told by a close friend that I’m much like an onion (the irony!) with many layers to peel back to finally get to see the full picture of Kellie. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to have social anxiety. I want to feel free to not care and be fully me at all times! But something has been lacking. I don’t have that freedom. I have a closed heart. I’ve known that I’ve had these worth, identity, and value issues. I’ve known that it’s been a big black hole inside of me. I’ve tried to fill that hole with everything imaginable, mostly through the approval of the guys in my relationships. I thought if they valued me, then I must have worth. That’s so simple, so tangible. I never wanted to trust God in filling that black hole, at least not the god of my upbringing. Even all the way up to this DTS, I’ve been chasing everything that gave me a sense of worth, but God in all his goodness has been chasing after me, blocking off all my pursuits to bring me back to him, a humbled and broken mess.

Here is some scripture from Hosea that has been on my heart since I’ve gotten here:

“Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband at first, for then I was better off than now.’ “

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards… There she will sing as in the days of her youth… ‘In that day,’ declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master,’ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked… I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

So what can I say? I’ve been blocked off by thorn bushes from my pursuit of other lovers (which takes on many shapes and forms) and I’m back to my God, finally! The only difference is that my God now looks A LOT different than the one I used to know. Now I see that the only place, or person, that I can turn to for my worth, for my value, and for my identity is Jesus. He is the only one that can fill that hole inside me. He is the only one who can satisfy that place in my heart. He is the only one that can open my heart fully again!

I’m writing you all to update you on my progress, and to truly ask you all to please pray that God may fully open my heart again, not just around a few select people, but around everyone at all times. I long for that freedom! Do you guys have any idea how much that would radically change my life for the good? I can’t even possibly imagine, but I have full confidence that as I throw myself before the feet of Jesus in full submission and full trust in him, he will do this very work in me. Please keep me in your prayers! One thing that I’ve learned since I’ve been here is the power of our prayers! They are so strong, and they are an act of essential relationship with our creator. He longs for us to sit in the court room of heaven with him, throwing out what is on our minds and our hearts, each of us playing a major role in the very decisions he makes for this world! It’s our right as his children and as coheirs with Christ. I can’t wait to write to you all more on this subject, but for now, yes, please pray for me! I love you guys so much and have you in my prayers!

Tons of love!

Kellie