Hey guys!
So I have an update on my progress. I don’t even know where to start because so much has happened already since my last letter! The only place I know where to begin is in saying God is SO GOOD! The more I get to know him, the more I fall madly in love with him. He is so different than what I've always thought he looked like, and that only feels like a tiny drop of revelation. The head knowledge of him being good is finally turning into heart knowledge, and I can’t even begin to tell you the level of freedom that brings! The analogy of being lifted up on wings like eagles is coming alive in my life, and I long for not only God’s church to come into this freedom, but the whole world! This is my heart’s greatest desire now, to bring the world out of bondage of our enemy, glory be to God!
I’ll try to start where this all began. Tuesday was such a rough day for me. This week we’ve been talking about discipleship, and our teacher was doing the “break-down” part of discipleship before getting into the “build-up.” In a nutshell (perhaps walnut size =) ) everyone in Christ’s church is called into discipleship, EVERYONE! Jesus told his disciples to go and make more disciples, not Christians! Everyone person in the early church was a disciple of Christ, but that early, raw system of belief got watered down through the ages with false religions and philosophies being intertwined and “married” into it (maybe that’s how denominations got started?), so the original church of Christ lost its authenticity throughout the generations. So all this offspring, or every branch, of the early church got coined under the same label of Christianity. Ok, so anyhoo.. Christianity looks different in every person now, doesn’t it? Back to the point, we are all called to be Disciples of Christ, and in the beginning of this beautiful relationship, the process looks very similar in every person.
The breakdown of Discipleship that we were learning about on Tuesday was this: I am called to fully surrender my all to Christ. I am called to lose myself, to die to myself, to completely throw every aspect of who I am and every element that makes up my whole life to God. We are called to completely surrender all, that is our personalities, our gifts and talents, our every single relationship, our jobs, our careers or callings, our personal belongings, our money, our countries, our homes, our security and comfort, our hearts’ desires and longings, our decisions, our future, our now, our EVERYTHING, we are called to surrender everything to God. How is that even possible!? What does that even look like?? Tuesday I had to process all these emotions. I have to surrender my all, completely die to myself and who I am, give it all over to God, and fully trust this intangible being to build my life back up again? I am called to follow Jesus wherever it is he may take me? I am called to drop all my plans for myself and trust him to come through with a better plan? What STRESS CASE CITY!! Uh!!!! So on top of all of that, Jesus expects me to come to a place of losing all fear of man and do things like evangelism? To “fear” him more than other people? No thank you! Why isn’t that set aside for only special, overly-obsessed people like Paul, Peter, and John the Baptist? That’s not what I want for my life, that’s not who I am God, so thanks but no thanks! Why can’t I have a normal life, and go back to my family and friends? Why can’t I make decisions and plans for myself, and have a normal career with a normal family and just live a happy, normal, non overly-obsessive life. That was sounding so good; home sounded good, normalcy sounded real good.. so basically, God, leave me alone! YWAM, leave me alone! I’m ready to just start over on my own again.
Yeah, so that is what I was learning in school. That was the life that I was seeing in other people around me, in the speakers and such. That was the life that I knew God was calling me to, and all I could ask was, “Why God? Why me??” I didn’t want it. So, Tuesday was a hard day to say the least. I started to have daydreams of going home, back to my life that I was living, even though I knew I didn’t want that strangely enough.
I woke up Wednesday feeling renewed and refreshed. I thought it was odd, but I was thankful nonetheless. Going to lecture the speaker started out wanting to talk to us about how hard this all is. He said that every time he speaks about discipleship, God kicks his ass (butt =) ) all over the place. He promised that this life is not easy, that it is really hard, but that he wouldn’t choose to live life any other way even if he could. Now starts the rebuilding process of discipleship. Jeremy stated it like this, “God wants us to stop clinging to the pile of crap that is in our arms and instead discard of it so that he could refill our arms with treasure.” So basically, God wants us to trust him with our whole lives. He wants us to give everything up to him so that he can then filter back to us the things that are good, the things that are from him, and filter out the crap (sin) that we've brought into our own lives that are actually slowly killing us (there is also something to be said for personal responsibility that we take on, such as children, but that is another topic I’d love to talk about with anybody). At the end of lecture, Jeremy put on the nooma video Dust by Rob Bell, which is probably my favorite one by far. It’s about discipleship and it is soooooo good! God was just speaking to me throughout the whole video and I couldn’t help but weep in front of the whole class. In it God was saying, “Kellie, I’m not making you do this. I didn’t choose this life for you because it is the right thing to do. I didn’t choose this life for you because I’m controlling and you need to perform for me. I didn’t choose this life for you because I expect you to be obedient to my word. I called you into this life because I love you, I have faith in you, and I trust you. I know you can be just like me.” Oh man, how my heart leapt inside of my chest! See God chose the fools of the world to put to shame worldly wisdom. Jesus chose young men who were considered the least of the Jews to come follow him. The best, of the best, of the best became Pharisees and teachers of the law, and they were the only group that Jesus was constantly butting heads with. In the final work of the cross, Jesus’ disciples were the ones to step up and became like Christ, beginning the church and making followers of Christ. So you don’t have to be the most educated, you don’t have to be the most respected, you don’t have to have your whole life put together, and you don’t have to be perfect. Where does God get glory in any of those things? Why do you even need God if you are all put together, rich, powerful, and wise? God uses people in a humble state, those who need him, to do his work. That’s me! I’m the fool, and frankly, so are you! YAY!
A huge revelation that has come is that yes, I have made Christ my savior, but I never made him Lord. I think that is a problem at large in the American church today, a problem that I am totally guilty of. I do believe that I have been forgiven at salvation, but I didn’t trust him to be Lord of my life. See, now I like to look at my life as my kingdom, and I have been ruler of my kingdom sitting in power over all on the thrown. What has that looked like? Crap, my life has been crap. Everything I do with my own power and strength just turns to crap. So here comes Jesus trying to overthrow me. He has been trying to take over my throne and become the Lord of my life, and I have been resisting him, pushing him out of the seat because I don’t trust him in doing what is best for my kingdom; actually, I don’t trust him to bring me happiness and fulfillment, so I make my own plans. So as soon as Jesus entered my life as savior, there has been a power struggle for my kingdom, for my life, and that’s why nothing worked that I did. See, Christ being my savior without being my Lord has resulted in cheap grace. God’s not content with that.
So God wants me to come into intimate relationship with him and clearly hear his voice. God wants me to fully trust him and kick out all the crutches and plans that keep me from needing him. In turn he wants to give me a better life than the one I've made for myself. He wants to give me bigger dreams and more fulfillment than I could ever find on my own. Jesus wants me to know that I have what it takes to be just like him, by the power that lies within me from his finished work on the cross, and to even do greater things than what he even did. Read the gospel, it's all there. The gospel isn't some far fetched fairy tale. It's not just meant to be interpreted; it's meant to be lived out and experienced! He wants this for his whole church. Could you imagine what this world would look like if every "Christian" was truly dying to themselves and letting Jesus live through them? I don't think this dream is far off. God is speaking to his church right now, and it is all awakening from a deep slumber. The last thing this world needs is more counterfeit Christianity. Hasn't Christianity caused enough damage to the world? Don't we already have enough blood and judgment on our hands? Let's get out of being lukewarm and find truth!
I hope you know I'm preaching to myself here, and that everything I say is always aimed mostly at me! I really don't believe I'm over the top, crazy, or far off in some ditch. I think I'm just hopping on board with what God is already doing, I'm trying to move with him, and I can only hope this rings true in your soul. All I really know is that I don't want a mediocre life, I want an extravagant one, and trust me, God is not boring like most Christians and even non-Christians I know.. If anyone marches to the beat of a different drum, it's Him! He is unpredictable and enormous beyond measure!! I'm excited!!!
Seriously, this has been just scraping the tip of the iceberg of what’s been going on inside of me. I feel if I write any more it would just be too much, and too long. I’ve been scratching my head just trying to figure out what to say. I do want to say that I’m a work in progress right now, so I could only hope that any BS I’m putting out there will just fall through, and what is truth will stick with you. Please continue to pray for me, especially in the area of value. I know inside things getting better, but I’m still far, far away from where I want to be. Please if any of you have any questions or want to talk to me or challenge me about anything at all, I'm here. I probably won't have the right answer, but I will listen to your every word and give you my best. I love you guys so much!
Kell
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
After years of silence...
“After years of silence that won’t let a heart open, there is love.”
This is a line I heard just minutes ago from a song about the brokenness of this world, yet there is still love. It’s an excellent song, but this particular line hit me hard and brought tears to my eyes. By the end of the song I was sobbing. This line, “After years of silence that won’t let a heart open” seemed to encapsulate my brokenness up to this day. I’ve had horrible issues and turmoil within myself in dealing with my worth, identity, and value. I have felt unwanted, worthless, without important opinion, and pushed aside, like my life doesn’t matter in this world. To make it even worse, it seems as God was at the very base of the source of this pain.
Growing up, I knew I came at a time that was inconvenient to say the least. I was very lonely as a child. Most of my memories are of me playing in my playroom. Maybe that is why I have never had a problem with materialism; material objects never satisfied; I longed for relationship. When I did come out of the playroom, I was scared of creating waves in the house. I was scared I was going to do something wrong. I was terrified that I was going to set my dad off into a very dark mood; I had to walk on eggshells around him all the time. A lot of the time, coming out of the playroom just wasn’t even an option. Mom and dad were also absent, working to start a business and run it on their own. I have the most memories of my babysitter Donna growing up, far off in some other place in the house cleaning. Yeah, I felt very alone growing up, with a few special friends and siblings that were way too old for me to relate to on any level. On top of all this, God (dad too) was angry. If I screwed up, my worth went down in value. He only seemed to be pleased if I was a good little girl. God was also confining and restricting. I think my little heart always knew that there was a bigger truth out there. I don’t blame my upbringing or anyone in it for my brokenness, because I know that I am responsible for me now, plus so much has changed. I just need to understand why I am the way that I am, and the place where that always starts is your childhood.
So growing up I never had much to say. I had a big family and strong-minded, opinionated sisters always shining in the foreground. I was the baby without opinion. I grew up in the shadows of my sisters, at least that’s how I felt. I know my needs and wants were always met, to an extent of even jealousy, but that was not important to me, at least not looking back now it wasn’t. All my years I stayed silent. Only few got the key to open my heart to see me for who I fully am. I’ve been told by a close friend that I’m much like an onion (the irony!) with many layers to peel back to finally get to see the full picture of Kellie. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to have social anxiety. I want to feel free to not care and be fully me at all times! But something has been lacking. I don’t have that freedom. I have a closed heart. I’ve known that I’ve had these worth, identity, and value issues. I’ve known that it’s been a big black hole inside of me. I’ve tried to fill that hole with everything imaginable, mostly through the approval of the guys in my relationships. I thought if they valued me, then I must have worth. That’s so simple, so tangible. I never wanted to trust God in filling that black hole, at least not the god of my upbringing. Even all the way up to this DTS, I’ve been chasing everything that gave me a sense of worth, but God in all his goodness has been chasing after me, blocking off all my pursuits to bring me back to him, a humbled and broken mess.
Here is some scripture from Hosea that has been on my heart since I’ve gotten here:
“Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband at first, for then I was better off than now.’ “
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards… There she will sing as in the days of her youth… ‘In that day,’ declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master,’ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked… I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”
So what can I say? I’ve been blocked off by thorn bushes from my pursuit of other lovers (which takes on many shapes and forms) and I’m back to my God, finally! The only difference is that my God now looks A LOT different than the one I used to know. Now I see that the only place, or person, that I can turn to for my worth, for my value, and for my identity is Jesus. He is the only one that can fill that hole inside me. He is the only one who can satisfy that place in my heart. He is the only one that can open my heart fully again!
I’m writing you all to update you on my progress, and to truly ask you all to please pray that God may fully open my heart again, not just around a few select people, but around everyone at all times. I long for that freedom! Do you guys have any idea how much that would radically change my life for the good? I can’t even possibly imagine, but I have full confidence that as I throw myself before the feet of Jesus in full submission and full trust in him, he will do this very work in me. Please keep me in your prayers! One thing that I’ve learned since I’ve been here is the power of our prayers! They are so strong, and they are an act of essential relationship with our creator. He longs for us to sit in the court room of heaven with him, throwing out what is on our minds and our hearts, each of us playing a major role in the very decisions he makes for this world! It’s our right as his children and as coheirs with Christ. I can’t wait to write to you all more on this subject, but for now, yes, please pray for me! I love you guys so much and have you in my prayers!
Tons of love!
Kellie
This is a line I heard just minutes ago from a song about the brokenness of this world, yet there is still love. It’s an excellent song, but this particular line hit me hard and brought tears to my eyes. By the end of the song I was sobbing. This line, “After years of silence that won’t let a heart open” seemed to encapsulate my brokenness up to this day. I’ve had horrible issues and turmoil within myself in dealing with my worth, identity, and value. I have felt unwanted, worthless, without important opinion, and pushed aside, like my life doesn’t matter in this world. To make it even worse, it seems as God was at the very base of the source of this pain.
Growing up, I knew I came at a time that was inconvenient to say the least. I was very lonely as a child. Most of my memories are of me playing in my playroom. Maybe that is why I have never had a problem with materialism; material objects never satisfied; I longed for relationship. When I did come out of the playroom, I was scared of creating waves in the house. I was scared I was going to do something wrong. I was terrified that I was going to set my dad off into a very dark mood; I had to walk on eggshells around him all the time. A lot of the time, coming out of the playroom just wasn’t even an option. Mom and dad were also absent, working to start a business and run it on their own. I have the most memories of my babysitter Donna growing up, far off in some other place in the house cleaning. Yeah, I felt very alone growing up, with a few special friends and siblings that were way too old for me to relate to on any level. On top of all this, God (dad too) was angry. If I screwed up, my worth went down in value. He only seemed to be pleased if I was a good little girl. God was also confining and restricting. I think my little heart always knew that there was a bigger truth out there. I don’t blame my upbringing or anyone in it for my brokenness, because I know that I am responsible for me now, plus so much has changed. I just need to understand why I am the way that I am, and the place where that always starts is your childhood.
So growing up I never had much to say. I had a big family and strong-minded, opinionated sisters always shining in the foreground. I was the baby without opinion. I grew up in the shadows of my sisters, at least that’s how I felt. I know my needs and wants were always met, to an extent of even jealousy, but that was not important to me, at least not looking back now it wasn’t. All my years I stayed silent. Only few got the key to open my heart to see me for who I fully am. I’ve been told by a close friend that I’m much like an onion (the irony!) with many layers to peel back to finally get to see the full picture of Kellie. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to have social anxiety. I want to feel free to not care and be fully me at all times! But something has been lacking. I don’t have that freedom. I have a closed heart. I’ve known that I’ve had these worth, identity, and value issues. I’ve known that it’s been a big black hole inside of me. I’ve tried to fill that hole with everything imaginable, mostly through the approval of the guys in my relationships. I thought if they valued me, then I must have worth. That’s so simple, so tangible. I never wanted to trust God in filling that black hole, at least not the god of my upbringing. Even all the way up to this DTS, I’ve been chasing everything that gave me a sense of worth, but God in all his goodness has been chasing after me, blocking off all my pursuits to bring me back to him, a humbled and broken mess.
Here is some scripture from Hosea that has been on my heart since I’ve gotten here:
“Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband at first, for then I was better off than now.’ “
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards… There she will sing as in the days of her youth… ‘In that day,’ declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master,’ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked… I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”
So what can I say? I’ve been blocked off by thorn bushes from my pursuit of other lovers (which takes on many shapes and forms) and I’m back to my God, finally! The only difference is that my God now looks A LOT different than the one I used to know. Now I see that the only place, or person, that I can turn to for my worth, for my value, and for my identity is Jesus. He is the only one that can fill that hole inside me. He is the only one who can satisfy that place in my heart. He is the only one that can open my heart fully again!
I’m writing you all to update you on my progress, and to truly ask you all to please pray that God may fully open my heart again, not just around a few select people, but around everyone at all times. I long for that freedom! Do you guys have any idea how much that would radically change my life for the good? I can’t even possibly imagine, but I have full confidence that as I throw myself before the feet of Jesus in full submission and full trust in him, he will do this very work in me. Please keep me in your prayers! One thing that I’ve learned since I’ve been here is the power of our prayers! They are so strong, and they are an act of essential relationship with our creator. He longs for us to sit in the court room of heaven with him, throwing out what is on our minds and our hearts, each of us playing a major role in the very decisions he makes for this world! It’s our right as his children and as coheirs with Christ. I can’t wait to write to you all more on this subject, but for now, yes, please pray for me! I love you guys so much and have you in my prayers!
Tons of love!
Kellie
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
God – My New Navigation System
All my life I’ve heard it said that everything happens for a reason, that nothing happens by chance. That would mean that I have absolutely no control over my life and how it is played out, but instead God has laid out my whole life and every decision before me, and we are all just like puppets, playing out God’s will. It’s as if God plotted, planned, prepared, and made a movie about humankind and planet earth, and now He is sitting back in a theater, watching it all play out. I know that for much of my life I’ve adopted this philosophy, without even really knowing it, and I think it has reaped some serious consequences in my life.
Considering all this, is there a right or wrong decision? I don’t really know. All I can tell you is that I feel like I’ve made some wrong decisions for my life, and they reaped really bad consequences, but I also know that God turns the bad into good for those who love him. I believe that many of my bad choices have been redeemed.
I have come to the conclusion that God is my navigation system. I do believe that yes, I do make wrong decisions in my life, and yes, I have made many, but I also believe that God is so good that he has the ability to recalculate a new path, or a new route, as soon as we make a bad decision for ourselves, or a wrong turn, if we are plugged into Him. I know that many times in the past that has looked like, “Whoa! Turn around! Make a u-turn immediately!” It has also looked like me driving along, taking a different route on purpose, and God reconfiguring a new path to lay out in front of me. Does he have foreknowledge of our final destination? I really don’t know that either, but my inkling is yes, but I do believe that we can fall out of God’s will for our lives or else Jesus wouldn’t have told us to pray that the Father’s will be done for our lives.
How do we know the best paths, the best turns, the best decisions? How do we know that we are on course? Jesus is our perfect example, and the more we know him, the more we love him, and the more we love him then the more we trust him and his direction. Jesus is the word, so he is scripture, so we can always rely on its truth, love, and wisdom to lead us in the right direction. Probably more importantly, there is the very handy Holy Spirit given to us.
Now I believe that I actually do have control over my life and my destiny, and even though that’s a bit scary to know how much responsibility lies in my hands, it’s also empowering to take the wheel and drive…
Lots of Love!!
Kels
Considering all this, is there a right or wrong decision? I don’t really know. All I can tell you is that I feel like I’ve made some wrong decisions for my life, and they reaped really bad consequences, but I also know that God turns the bad into good for those who love him. I believe that many of my bad choices have been redeemed.
I have come to the conclusion that God is my navigation system. I do believe that yes, I do make wrong decisions in my life, and yes, I have made many, but I also believe that God is so good that he has the ability to recalculate a new path, or a new route, as soon as we make a bad decision for ourselves, or a wrong turn, if we are plugged into Him. I know that many times in the past that has looked like, “Whoa! Turn around! Make a u-turn immediately!” It has also looked like me driving along, taking a different route on purpose, and God reconfiguring a new path to lay out in front of me. Does he have foreknowledge of our final destination? I really don’t know that either, but my inkling is yes, but I do believe that we can fall out of God’s will for our lives or else Jesus wouldn’t have told us to pray that the Father’s will be done for our lives.
How do we know the best paths, the best turns, the best decisions? How do we know that we are on course? Jesus is our perfect example, and the more we know him, the more we love him, and the more we love him then the more we trust him and his direction. Jesus is the word, so he is scripture, so we can always rely on its truth, love, and wisdom to lead us in the right direction. Probably more importantly, there is the very handy Holy Spirit given to us.
Now I believe that I actually do have control over my life and my destiny, and even though that’s a bit scary to know how much responsibility lies in my hands, it’s also empowering to take the wheel and drive…
Lots of Love!!
Kels
Week One!
Hey guys! Week one is already over and I’m crazy excited! We have come to a final decision for an outreach…
India and Burma!!!
I’m so excited and I can’t wait! India was in the very top #1 slot of my list of countries to go to and this will be the first trip to India for this particular base and group! We will be working in orphanages and with prostitutes, amongst many, MANY other things that we will be doing over there. I know that there will be a lot of prayer and intercession for those areas and people during our whole stay there; I can’t wait to see what will take place during our stay!
So, a little about the base.. It’s gorgeous out here and I’m with an extraordinary group of Christians. They are so full of love and life.. they are truly inspiring individuals and I’m so grateful that these are the people in leadership over me. I was afraid they would be lame or the really annoying kind of Christians, but the opposite has proved to be true.
I’m not going to lie and not tell you that everything has been perfect. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since I’ve been here. Some things that have been lying dormant inside me are bubbling up and surfacing. I’ve had to face some demons of the past and it has been stressful, but I know that everything will be better coming out on the other side of all this. I knew that there was going to be some internal work taking place during this first phase; I just didn’t expect for it to come this soon!
We’ve already done some awesome things during our orientation. One thing that I didn’t realize about YWAM was the level of in-reach that takes place at each base. These people feed and take care of the homeless, and this is only one of the numerous things that they do to love on their community. For example, we went on a prayer tour this week and I wasn't looking forward to going because I thought it sounded incredibly lame, but it ended up being my favorite day by far. Most of the base (about 30 of us) got together to travel to 10 different cities in the central coast, so basically our surrounding area. In each city we all split into groups of 3 and 4 and went to a private location. We each prayed about each city and asked to hear from God on what is on his heart about each city, and then whatever we got we prayed and interceded for on the behalf of that city. Then we all came together to talk about what each group got. When we all shared, all of our groups results blended beautifully into getting the same result. Most of us heard the same word about each city, and the word for each city was very different. There was no way that could have happened outside of God and I was blown away by each and every person’s ability to hear God’s voice! I got to witness it firsthand with my own eyes, and I was just awestruck and so grateful. I think I fell in love with God all over again that day. He just demonstrated his power, glory, and love for personal relationship with each of us, and I was so incredibly inspired for the all things to come. All of us coming together as a group created a powerful tool for intercession for these cities, and I was just blown away by the hugeness and the extreme intimacy of God all at once. I’m sure you would have had to experience it to understand it in full.
So, I’m having a great time here and will continue to give updates at least weekly. Please keep me in your hearts and prayers!
Lots of love!
Kellie
India and Burma!!!
I’m so excited and I can’t wait! India was in the very top #1 slot of my list of countries to go to and this will be the first trip to India for this particular base and group! We will be working in orphanages and with prostitutes, amongst many, MANY other things that we will be doing over there. I know that there will be a lot of prayer and intercession for those areas and people during our whole stay there; I can’t wait to see what will take place during our stay!
So, a little about the base.. It’s gorgeous out here and I’m with an extraordinary group of Christians. They are so full of love and life.. they are truly inspiring individuals and I’m so grateful that these are the people in leadership over me. I was afraid they would be lame or the really annoying kind of Christians, but the opposite has proved to be true.
I’m not going to lie and not tell you that everything has been perfect. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since I’ve been here. Some things that have been lying dormant inside me are bubbling up and surfacing. I’ve had to face some demons of the past and it has been stressful, but I know that everything will be better coming out on the other side of all this. I knew that there was going to be some internal work taking place during this first phase; I just didn’t expect for it to come this soon!
We’ve already done some awesome things during our orientation. One thing that I didn’t realize about YWAM was the level of in-reach that takes place at each base. These people feed and take care of the homeless, and this is only one of the numerous things that they do to love on their community. For example, we went on a prayer tour this week and I wasn't looking forward to going because I thought it sounded incredibly lame, but it ended up being my favorite day by far. Most of the base (about 30 of us) got together to travel to 10 different cities in the central coast, so basically our surrounding area. In each city we all split into groups of 3 and 4 and went to a private location. We each prayed about each city and asked to hear from God on what is on his heart about each city, and then whatever we got we prayed and interceded for on the behalf of that city. Then we all came together to talk about what each group got. When we all shared, all of our groups results blended beautifully into getting the same result. Most of us heard the same word about each city, and the word for each city was very different. There was no way that could have happened outside of God and I was blown away by each and every person’s ability to hear God’s voice! I got to witness it firsthand with my own eyes, and I was just awestruck and so grateful. I think I fell in love with God all over again that day. He just demonstrated his power, glory, and love for personal relationship with each of us, and I was so incredibly inspired for the all things to come. All of us coming together as a group created a powerful tool for intercession for these cities, and I was just blown away by the hugeness and the extreme intimacy of God all at once. I’m sure you would have had to experience it to understand it in full.
So, I’m having a great time here and will continue to give updates at least weekly. Please keep me in your hearts and prayers!
Lots of love!
Kellie
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Going Away
It's 4 in the morning and I just haven't been getting enough sleep lately. There have been many contributing factors to this insomnia, but the main one I've been meaning to blog about for some time now.
On January 3rd I'm finally leaving to go experience what it is that I've been wanting to do for three years. I'm taking off for 2 1/2 months to join a group at a YWAM base in Pismo Beach, and then I'll be heading off with that group for another 2 1/2 - 3 months for mission outreach to some remote area of the world. I chose the base that I did because their focus is on the arts and justice for sex slavery and children soldiers. I couldn't dream up a better combination, and I am crazy excited to go to work at this.
The purpose of using the arts in mission work is that it is a powerful tool of communication because it breaks all language barriers. Beyond that, being a strongly visual person, the arts is what opened me up to God again and I have no doubt in my mind that it was the arts that saved my life. My life changed dramatically after my trip to Florence. After looking at painting after painting after painting of Christ crucified, and many other religious works of the renaissance, something stirred inside me that woke me up and reopened my heart. My life hasn't been the same sense. I was on a downward spiral before then, and I have no doubt that that trip and experience was divine intervention. I could only hope that my art will too be such an avenue into others as well.. I could only hope and pray that my work could bring the gift of life to another the way that the masters of the renaissance did so for me. I wonder if they knew what they were doing. The very word renaissance means rebirth: the rebirth of mind, spirit, philosophy, individualism, and vision of God. I hope I don't sound scrambled.
Anyway, this is what I want to do with my life. I guess this trip will let me know if I'm cut out for it or not. At the base, we will be preparing and equipping ourselves for what's to come. We will decide as a group where it is that we will be going. From what I was told, somewhere in the middle-northeastern part of Africa is a really good possibility. I'm so excited, and so scared, and I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that I don't even know how to process it all. This could be a door opening to a whole new life, or it could end up being a life-changing experience that I'll forever be grateful for. I really don't want to think of any other possibility. I don't know what lies ahead, but the one thing I do know is that change is good, and as scared as I am of change I know that I know that it will be awesome!
You guys please keep me in heart, mind, and prayer. I need all the support I can get right now, and thank you so much to those who have supported me! One thing I've already learned in the process of preparing to leave is to never take your relationships with those who love you for granted. Those relationships endure forever, and I am extremely grateful for those loved ones in my life. They hold me up and support me when I'm weak, I can only hope that I can do the same for those whom I love.
I'll continue blogging for at least the first part of my trip in Pismo, so keep up to date if you can!
Love you guys!
Kell
On January 3rd I'm finally leaving to go experience what it is that I've been wanting to do for three years. I'm taking off for 2 1/2 months to join a group at a YWAM base in Pismo Beach, and then I'll be heading off with that group for another 2 1/2 - 3 months for mission outreach to some remote area of the world. I chose the base that I did because their focus is on the arts and justice for sex slavery and children soldiers. I couldn't dream up a better combination, and I am crazy excited to go to work at this.
The purpose of using the arts in mission work is that it is a powerful tool of communication because it breaks all language barriers. Beyond that, being a strongly visual person, the arts is what opened me up to God again and I have no doubt in my mind that it was the arts that saved my life. My life changed dramatically after my trip to Florence. After looking at painting after painting after painting of Christ crucified, and many other religious works of the renaissance, something stirred inside me that woke me up and reopened my heart. My life hasn't been the same sense. I was on a downward spiral before then, and I have no doubt that that trip and experience was divine intervention. I could only hope that my art will too be such an avenue into others as well.. I could only hope and pray that my work could bring the gift of life to another the way that the masters of the renaissance did so for me. I wonder if they knew what they were doing. The very word renaissance means rebirth: the rebirth of mind, spirit, philosophy, individualism, and vision of God. I hope I don't sound scrambled.
Anyway, this is what I want to do with my life. I guess this trip will let me know if I'm cut out for it or not. At the base, we will be preparing and equipping ourselves for what's to come. We will decide as a group where it is that we will be going. From what I was told, somewhere in the middle-northeastern part of Africa is a really good possibility. I'm so excited, and so scared, and I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that I don't even know how to process it all. This could be a door opening to a whole new life, or it could end up being a life-changing experience that I'll forever be grateful for. I really don't want to think of any other possibility. I don't know what lies ahead, but the one thing I do know is that change is good, and as scared as I am of change I know that I know that it will be awesome!
You guys please keep me in heart, mind, and prayer. I need all the support I can get right now, and thank you so much to those who have supported me! One thing I've already learned in the process of preparing to leave is to never take your relationships with those who love you for granted. Those relationships endure forever, and I am extremely grateful for those loved ones in my life. They hold me up and support me when I'm weak, I can only hope that I can do the same for those whom I love.
I'll continue blogging for at least the first part of my trip in Pismo, so keep up to date if you can!
Love you guys!
Kell
Monday, April 21, 2008
Outside the Box
Monday, April 21, 2008
Outside the Box
God delivered His people from Egypt into and extensive and intense training program into the desert to show them the way back to Holiness. Everything that they formally knew had to be wiped clean so that God could restore His group back to Himself. He surely was the God of great signs and wonders at that time, creating an extremely intimate relationship with His loved ones. His goal for the Hebrews was the Promised Land…
God was trying to re-establish His people back to faith, in the same way their Father Abraham was credited as righteous through his faith. God wanted His people to trust in Him and His provision alone, leading them away from every false idol. He provided their food, water, and every means of survival, yet still they grumbled because their desperately wicked hearts longed for the old days, back in Egypt, where faith was not needed and a sense of false security was their comfort. God saw their dark, enslaved, desperate condition, and heard their cries for help, so He delivered them, but they lacked the faith needed for personal, intimate relationship with God. They longed for a God in a box, one they could predict and worship based on their knowledge of who He was, giving them the power for righteousness by works instead of trusting in the God that it takes humbleness to fellowship with. Trust and faith in the unknown goes against the human heart, which longs to know all and be empowered through that knowledge. One can only have faith in a humble position, only knowing one thing for certain – that they don't know anything – nothing about the ways of God, allowing us to open up to all possibilities in God so that He can be everything that He is to the core of His being without restrictions or limitations. Jesus says, "According to your faith, be it unto you." If we put God in a box and make Him predictable, we close ourselves from everything else that He is outside that box that we have created, causing us to miss out on a very intimate relationship with Him. He wants to take us on a journey showing us who He is and all His ways, but we limit ourselves from that journey when we proclaim we already have full knowledge of what that journey is. He wants to wow you and surprise you and love you and speak to you, but we tend to see Him as more of a person of authority and power than a loving father who seeks an intimate, loving relationship. Oh He is so loving, so merciful, so kind, and so gentile with us. He loves us so much that He is jealous of our affections elsewhere because He longs for us to only have eyes for Him – not for money, wealth, power, human wisdom, unhealthy human relationship and every other false idol out there. He actually gets jealous when we look to those things before Him. That means He is so invested in relationship with us that the Almighty God gets JEALOUS! How is that possible!? Over-obsessed lovers get jealous for us, not God, right!? Wow! He is so in love with us, but instead we don't count that as a possibility and instead put Him in the box of judge… How SAD!
I see too many Christians who have stopped at salvation, or deliverance from Egypt. So many go to church for their Sunday tradition, or to get fueled-up with God's presence before their next hard week to come. Christians should be running to church on Sunday with energy, strength and love to worship and commune with fellow believers, and in order to encourage and lift-up non-believers! We are called to live in an EVERY SINGLE DAY relationship with the Lord! Jesus want s to be Lord of our everyday lives, Number One in every decision we make. We all fall way short of that ability, choosing to slander and gossip instead of edifying one another, for example. Jesus wants us to walk in faith every day, faith in God's provision and in His Lordship. He wants us to come to the realization that we know nothing, so that we give Him the freedom to live outside the box in our every-day lives. He wants to love you, and then show us how to love others. His love for you can so fill your heart every day, so that joy will overflow from our hearts and affect the lives of everyone around us. That is how we change the world – by allowing Him to love us enough that it overflows into amazing love and generosity for mankind. His heart becomes our heart, His eyes become our eyes, His ears become our ears, and His longing becomes our longings. Jesus is alive today, alive in His spirit that lives in us. He is alive in you and me. God brought the Kingdom of Heaven down through Jesus, and Jesus is in turn is bringing it down through you and me (His church) in order to restore this broken world back to God. The question is, are we willing to be humble enough to let God be God, free of our precepts, and do we have faith enough to let Jesus be the lord of our ever day lives? The only way that we can bless others is if we are first blessed. I think far too often we try to love others on our own strength alone. I've heard it said that we can only love others to the same measure that we know God loves us. We have to know love before we can love; we have to experience love before others can experience love from us. God wants to bless us first, so that in turn we bless others. Amazing…
The Hebrew's lacked faith, and that is why they turned from God and worshiped a false idol. They longed for a God in a box – one they could see, touch, smell, comprehend, and logically understand. They made God everything He wasn't in the very essence of His being, so God in return gave them law, and I'm sure He did so with a grieved heart. They only reflected who we are in our very human condition which is why we so desperately need a Savior, because man alone is too weak with hearts that are desperately wicked.
Do you have faith enough to let God be God? Are you willing to get rid of who you think He is and let Him show you personally who He is?? Can you humble yourself enough to admit that you don't know the ways of God and ask Him to show you Himself? Can you trust in the Lordship of Jesus Christ in every decision you make? And last but not least, can you fully let down your defenses to let Jesus come in and love on you right where you are?
God is so AWESOME!
I love you guys!!
Kellie
(PS Every word that I write, I write to myself as well, but I can promise you that I really give the Lord my all! :)
Outside the Box
God delivered His people from Egypt into and extensive and intense training program into the desert to show them the way back to Holiness. Everything that they formally knew had to be wiped clean so that God could restore His group back to Himself. He surely was the God of great signs and wonders at that time, creating an extremely intimate relationship with His loved ones. His goal for the Hebrews was the Promised Land…
God was trying to re-establish His people back to faith, in the same way their Father Abraham was credited as righteous through his faith. God wanted His people to trust in Him and His provision alone, leading them away from every false idol. He provided their food, water, and every means of survival, yet still they grumbled because their desperately wicked hearts longed for the old days, back in Egypt, where faith was not needed and a sense of false security was their comfort. God saw their dark, enslaved, desperate condition, and heard their cries for help, so He delivered them, but they lacked the faith needed for personal, intimate relationship with God. They longed for a God in a box, one they could predict and worship based on their knowledge of who He was, giving them the power for righteousness by works instead of trusting in the God that it takes humbleness to fellowship with. Trust and faith in the unknown goes against the human heart, which longs to know all and be empowered through that knowledge. One can only have faith in a humble position, only knowing one thing for certain – that they don't know anything – nothing about the ways of God, allowing us to open up to all possibilities in God so that He can be everything that He is to the core of His being without restrictions or limitations. Jesus says, "According to your faith, be it unto you." If we put God in a box and make Him predictable, we close ourselves from everything else that He is outside that box that we have created, causing us to miss out on a very intimate relationship with Him. He wants to take us on a journey showing us who He is and all His ways, but we limit ourselves from that journey when we proclaim we already have full knowledge of what that journey is. He wants to wow you and surprise you and love you and speak to you, but we tend to see Him as more of a person of authority and power than a loving father who seeks an intimate, loving relationship. Oh He is so loving, so merciful, so kind, and so gentile with us. He loves us so much that He is jealous of our affections elsewhere because He longs for us to only have eyes for Him – not for money, wealth, power, human wisdom, unhealthy human relationship and every other false idol out there. He actually gets jealous when we look to those things before Him. That means He is so invested in relationship with us that the Almighty God gets JEALOUS! How is that possible!? Over-obsessed lovers get jealous for us, not God, right!? Wow! He is so in love with us, but instead we don't count that as a possibility and instead put Him in the box of judge… How SAD!
I see too many Christians who have stopped at salvation, or deliverance from Egypt. So many go to church for their Sunday tradition, or to get fueled-up with God's presence before their next hard week to come. Christians should be running to church on Sunday with energy, strength and love to worship and commune with fellow believers, and in order to encourage and lift-up non-believers! We are called to live in an EVERY SINGLE DAY relationship with the Lord! Jesus want s to be Lord of our everyday lives, Number One in every decision we make. We all fall way short of that ability, choosing to slander and gossip instead of edifying one another, for example. Jesus wants us to walk in faith every day, faith in God's provision and in His Lordship. He wants us to come to the realization that we know nothing, so that we give Him the freedom to live outside the box in our every-day lives. He wants to love you, and then show us how to love others. His love for you can so fill your heart every day, so that joy will overflow from our hearts and affect the lives of everyone around us. That is how we change the world – by allowing Him to love us enough that it overflows into amazing love and generosity for mankind. His heart becomes our heart, His eyes become our eyes, His ears become our ears, and His longing becomes our longings. Jesus is alive today, alive in His spirit that lives in us. He is alive in you and me. God brought the Kingdom of Heaven down through Jesus, and Jesus is in turn is bringing it down through you and me (His church) in order to restore this broken world back to God. The question is, are we willing to be humble enough to let God be God, free of our precepts, and do we have faith enough to let Jesus be the lord of our ever day lives? The only way that we can bless others is if we are first blessed. I think far too often we try to love others on our own strength alone. I've heard it said that we can only love others to the same measure that we know God loves us. We have to know love before we can love; we have to experience love before others can experience love from us. God wants to bless us first, so that in turn we bless others. Amazing…
The Hebrew's lacked faith, and that is why they turned from God and worshiped a false idol. They longed for a God in a box – one they could see, touch, smell, comprehend, and logically understand. They made God everything He wasn't in the very essence of His being, so God in return gave them law, and I'm sure He did so with a grieved heart. They only reflected who we are in our very human condition which is why we so desperately need a Savior, because man alone is too weak with hearts that are desperately wicked.
Do you have faith enough to let God be God? Are you willing to get rid of who you think He is and let Him show you personally who He is?? Can you humble yourself enough to admit that you don't know the ways of God and ask Him to show you Himself? Can you trust in the Lordship of Jesus Christ in every decision you make? And last but not least, can you fully let down your defenses to let Jesus come in and love on you right where you are?
God is so AWESOME!
I love you guys!!
Kellie
(PS Every word that I write, I write to myself as well, but I can promise you that I really give the Lord my all! :)
Monday, April 30, 2007
What I have learned about love
What have I learned about love? I learned that a life without love is a life not worth living. For we are not truly alive unless we are able to embrace what we love with all of our hearts, not through the sinful nature of our flesh, for love is not idolatry. Our modern hearts are so wounded that the fragments seem beyond repair. This reaps deep unrest and sorrow in my soul. Mankind reaches to social standards in order to find happiness and fulfillment, but instead, is left empty handed and broken hearted trying to meet man's standard of perfection. I've spent too many years trying to find myself instead of losing myself… nothing healed the pain within, seeking love in all the wrong places. To man I am nothing but a lonely number, but to God I am a precious jewel worth more than the Hope Diamond could ever dream of being. God's love is the only true love, gently mending the pieces of my broken heart back together again. He loved me enough to save me – The Good Sheppard leading me through His gate. My heart is full again, pumping vigorously by the hand of the Holy Spirit, leading me through the trenches to the Promised Land. Why He chose me I'll never know. Oh Blessed Trinity, thank you for setting me free! Now I know intimacy for the first time; I am stripped bare with every flaw for you to see - only you know who I am. Completely vulnerable, you treat me with kindness and gentle love, removing my sins to throw to waste so you and I shall see them no more. All shame and guilt is wiped away, and others eyes don't burn any more – You are all that matters. I draw all of my strength from you. You exposed me and then saved me. The darkness has turned to light. May I be a light of yours now Lord, drawing others closer to your glory, so that they may too know pure love as I do and be set free in your Holy name.
~Kellie
~Kellie
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